Good Morning Community,
I'm 6 months past losing my husband and am having a really significant grief burst. It's also my first holiday season without him. I just put my house on the market because we moved for his job and I have no family here. (They say you should wait a year but I don't think that applies when you don't have your support system around.) I'm planning to move back to the state where my family lives.
This feels almost worse than the immediate loss. Is it the 6 month mark? Is it the holidays? Is it making the decision to sell the house we made together? All of the above? I am working (I teach elementary music) and leaving the area will also mean leaving my job at the end of the school year, which is my biggest anchor. But I really need to be around my family ( 2 adult children, sister, mother) and they are 5 hours away by car! Too far!!
So is there something about 6 months that hurts so bad?
you are having a "perfect storm" of grief-inducing events. Any one of these would be bad enough. I hope when you get back to your family and their support, things will be a little better. In the mean time we are here to chat when you need to talk. ((((big hugs)))).
I am at almost 4 years and the holidays are still brutal.
Thank you Barb. I think you're right. I really appreciate your support.
Hugs back atcha!
For me, the six month mark was my lowest point. That’s when I reached out for help and started both group grief therapy and one on one therapy.
Thank you Bonaroo. I wish there was a grief group where I live (another reason to move :) But have had one on one therapy too. Going back and forth about medication. Can't decide if it's become major depression or if it's just normal bereavement.
Thanks for the confirmation.
@ Vintage Barb I love the "perfect storm" analogy. It's perfect! :)
@Blithe, Barb is so right. It's all of the above. The six-month mark for me was around when the fog began to lift. I no longer had the protective layer of shock to buffer my reality. It's also around the time when "the others" started thinking, acting, speaking to me as if I should be "over it". It was then that I fully realized how different I was and how much people who haven't gone through this kind of loss just do NOT get it. Sometimes the rules don't apply, if I were in your shoes I'd move too. Someone is usually around to chat if you ever need to talk. Hugs and prayers.
Thank you Rainy. You're right, people don't get it unless they've been through it.
I'm certain moving is the right thing but there's a surprising sadness that I'll be giving up the connection we had through the creative endeavor of the house. Everything little thing in the house is both precious and painful. I do think it'll be healthier to start fresh.
Thanks for your response. I'm so glad to have found this site!
I lost my husband seven months ago and for me any one of the things you cite contributes to the way you are feeling. I dread the holidays but I dread the coming year even more. After 50 years together it will be the first new year without him......but I know I have to keep moving forward. As I told someone earlier I am determined to be a victor and not a victim. I go to Griefshare and it has been a tremendous help but I still have moments when I look at our family pictures on the wall and I just burst into tears. Having a good support group is helpful so moving closer to your family is probably a good decision, especially if you have a good relationship. I come to this site to express my true feelings. I think it makes those closest to me uncomfortable to see me so sad. So there are moments when I have to distance myself. I think my pain exposes their own vulnerability. A dear friend asked me if I was over my husband's death. I just explained in a nice way that I will never get over his death but I will learn how to deal with it and move on. I don't feel any ill will towards her. Her relationships did not end well and she had to raise her three children alone. So she cant really relate to what I am going through. Still she has been there for me from the beginning in her own way and I appreciate that. Sorry for rambling on but I just want you to know that you are not alone on this journey. We are all trying to unravel this maze that we are in. Virtual hugs to you.
Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your experiences DIVA. That anyone could think we'd ever be over losing our partner shows that most people have no clue, unless they've been through it themselves.
The two of you were together for so long, it must be absolutely unreal to be without him. My husband and I were married only 7 years and still felt newly in love. We ran off to a brand new city in a brand new state, got married and felt like 20 somethings! (We were in our 50's!) I was sad that we only had the second half of our lives to spend together, little did we know it would be much less than that. It's so hard to understand why things would happen this way, to finally meet your soul's companion and then have them die. Just doesn't make any sense.
Thanks for the support. Good luck navigating these troubled holiday/new year waters.
This communication makes me feel much less alone.
I chose to move just 3 months after my husbands passing. We had moved for his job as well and my family was clear across the country. It hurt tremendously to sell the home we finally got with all our hard work, but staying there wouldn’t have been good for me either. Moving closer to my family has helped so much. I find the grief hits me at random times. The six month mark was a low point. I think I stayed in my room for a week, barely interacting with my kids and family. The loss wraps you up completely. I have a picture of us on our wedding day on my dresser and the pang of loss that hits every time I look at it is like the first day but I still keep it there. The thing that has gotten me the most here lately has been the movies and tv shows that address loss of a spouse and the loss of their father for my children. Darn hallmark channel. The new fuller house Christmas episode had me crying my eyes out thinking about our own loss. Now that I’m 11 months out I feel the grief as much as the first day however I am finding it a little easier to face each day. Take verything in stride, it hits at random times.
Thank you, NicoleK8975. I'm really ready to go, now just waiting to sell my house and finish the school year (I'm a teacher) and hoping to have some luck where that is concerned. I have no interest in holidays this year and spent most of the day yesterday wallowing in pain. My hope is that there will be a bottom and that I can soon move out of this place emotionally and geographically. I know the pain will always be there but I'm ready to let in a little light. I'm glad you were able to move after 3 months! Sounds like that was the right thing to do. Thanks again for responding!