This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

"You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse."

Views: 831

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Good article, Anna, however I think the most important thing is not so much the time element, but the readiness. While a year or so may be enough time for some, there are probably more that are nowhere close to being ready to date or begin a new relationship. We should not believe that because some may feel ready at one year that there is something wrong with the rest of us. There is no timetable for grief and we should not ever compare ourselves to others or fear that our grief is prolonged or not normal.

I don't think that was the intent of this article. I believe what the author is saying is that passing judgement of widowed or widowers remarrying relatively soon is both wrong and unfair. I have to agree. If someone finds happiness again, we should wish them all the best!

I have one widowed friend that married after 13 months, good for her.   I think he may have been an old boyfriend and it was easy for them to pick up the relationship where it left off.    I have other widowed friends who waited until they were six years or more out before started dating seriously.    You are right Callie.   As for me, I'm four years out and I'm surprised how "agnostic" I am about dating.   It's a personal journey, and good for Mr. Oswalt as well.  

This was timely- although a former HS classmate who's a social worker also posted it on FB.  He lost his first wife early, remarried a younger woman and now has a couple of school-age kids. He's 64!

This is like finally being able to read letters that have been upside down for so long and finally-another person who I can relate to in the midst of agonizing pain. Two wives lost to cancer, in the same house, same room 7 years apart-can't describe the pain and the damage to my psyche, impossible. 

I have a close family, I'm grateful for it. Last weekend I was invited to camp with them and for the most part I loved it. Here is widowhood 101 for me-at night, my brother and his wife go into a tent together, my other brother and his wife go back to their motel room, together, I go back to an empty tent and start to cry because it wasn't that long ago I had my wife in the double sleeping back next to me!

So to get to the point of this topic, if someone meets a person a day after their beloved spouse dies, a week, month, year, 10 years, it's no ones damn business and I say "Ya, enjoy that sleeping bag in the tent while listening to those oceans waves comfort you."

You know, I have finally reached a point in life that I don't give a rats tail what anyone else thinks! We should only concern ourselves with what is right for us. There are some people that think widows should get back into dating and those who have a lot to say about it! I am doing what I think is best for me and I believe others should do the same. The only precautionary I would express is readiness. After a loss I think it is fairly common to yearn companionship and human touch. Maybe a good idea to allow some of these feelings and emotions to sort out so that in all fairness, we are truly available to someone new.

However, circumstances differ for us all and If by chance a special person comes along, well the last thing to worry about would be "what will people think?" Do whatever you feel is right for you!

I read that post and I really liked it!  I am 7 months out from my husband's parting.  I just realized it, this is the first month I haven't been counting days.  Wow!  This is a year from when he started chemo and our world was turned upside down.  I try to take people's judgment in stride.  People have told me they were upset I stopped wearing my wedding rings.  People told me I should become a lesbian because my husband would prefer that over me dating a man (this was mostly joking or I will take it that way because why not?).  I have been told by people that they can't ever see me remarrying even though I am only 33 and have a lot of life ahead of me.  I have also been told 'you know you will never find anyone like your husband, he was one of a kind.  You can date as long as you can accept that.'  My son did ask me for a stepmom and I told him I wasn't sure I could give him one, but I would think about it.  It will be hard for everyone to accept whatever it is that I decide to do, but it is harder for me to deal with missing my best friend every day.  So who cares what they think anyway?

Orb--I am sorry for your recent loss. Wow, those are some remarks to a new widow! You don't have to decide anything at this point, you are still grieving. Allow yourself to heal first and ignore those unhelpful remarks. Certainly, don't rush into dating before you are strong enough or only if you are very sure of the person and are truly ready. Yes, it is hard to miss your best friend, it is really hard! Again, I think readiness is important.

I don't care what others think. All I say is it may not be a good idea to enter into dating while feeling so broken. We may not make the best choices while we are still vulnerable. But again, there are some that do begin relationships quite soon after a loss and are happy. We must live our own lives. Wishing peace for you.

Hi Orb-

It's been about a year since your comment here. Any updates?

It is a year later and I am in such a different place! I started really saying a year and a month post loss. I am not entirely convinced my husband didn't send him. He is a great guy who doesn't understand all of my feelings but he tries and he gives me room to feel. He met my kids the months ago and just today someone assumed he was their dad and when I explained she was shocked because they were so comfortable with him. I am genuinely and incredibly happy. People have had a lot to say. My mom told me I couldn't tell my kids they were driving me crazy because I only get to date if I am a good Mom. People have complained about not seeing me as much, said I need to focus more on my kids and that I am pushing the relationship too much. I am not invited to as many things with the in-laws, though I keep trying because I want to keep those relationships for my kids. So many people have had negative things to say, but the happier I get and the more comfortable I am with things the less I care. My son still wants a stepmom, but says my boyfriend is good too. I am scared to be vulnerable again. To fall so deeply and lose him like I lost my husband. Thankfully he is patient and thinks we are all worth it! Thanks for checking in!


I am thrilled to see this article!!

I too was. ready to date by a year after the death of my husband.  I received so much flack from family

and friends who are no longer friends of mine.  My husband died over 7 years ago and I got remarried last

year.  No one was receptive so we kinda eloped and then went on a month long honeymoon.  To this day

they have to acknowledge our marriage but they still do not fully accept it.  It has been hard.

My inlaws never considered me as a part of the family and now that their son is gone I am definitely not in the picture.

they only deal with me now because of my kids.  My latests frustration is that they tell my teenage and adult

kids about a family event and leave it to them to invite me.  they don't have the balls to invite me themselves

I am considering bowing out of my sons bday party because I have to drive an hour and they left it to him

22 years old to invite me.  argghghgh. kirsten

Congratulations on your new marriage !

I don't get people like your in-laws or my sister-in-law (SIL). My SIL does the same thing going through my daughter for get togethers. My daughter can't drive herself yet so she is dependent on me to go. My response back is when the SIL contacts me in advance we will try to accommodate. If she doesn't go through me the answer is always No.

The SIL and I were talking one day and she was trying to pretend that she was reaching out to me by stating that "it's hard for her to see our family without her sister (my 1st wife) and that's why she has been avoiding us".


© 2019   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service