I wish I hadn't expressed anger as much as I did. Ken would tell me that I felt too entitled to my anger and I think he was right. He was rarely angry, and I wish I would have behaved more as he did, calmer. It would have made him happier. That is my main regret.
I am glad that you asked this questions and that so many people responded. I have regrets. Mark was very sick for 18 months and the last couple of months were the worst. Although I was with him every day; in the hospital and when he was at home, I feel like I was so busy taking care of him and the other necessities, that I did not spend enough time comforting him and talking to him. When I am thinking rationally, I realize that we spent a lot of time laughing and talking, discussing 'what ifs' and reminiscing. I just miss him so much that I don't think that any amount of time would have been enough.
We all have regrets. My husband was always so easy going, I am cynical. And man oh man am I stubborn, opinionated at times. But I'm also very loving and compassionate. I try to help others even when I have very little. But that is the woman Mike loved. WE were so opposite and so the same. He loved me warts and all and I him. Don't beat yourself up. We all did the best we can, and thats all we can do.
During these pass months since my Tony passed away I really have no regrets about my behavior, especially during the past 20 years when he was going through various health issues and I was his caretaker. I know I took care of him the best way I knew how....and I'm so thankful that there were times when I wanted to yell and scream at him but I bit my tongue and stayed focused on the fact that he was the one who was suffering the most. I'm so thankful that the last three years of his life if there was something he needed or wanted our daughter and I saw that he got it. He was a coffee drinker so when he said he wanted a Keurig he got it. When our daughter and I got new IPhones and he said they looked cool I ordered him one the next day. When I was making plans in 2017 to go to Florida to bring the grandkids there back to Illinois for the summer he said he wanted to go too. I purchased an extra ticket and we extended our stay so we could visit with his relatives there and our oldest son. I I am so happy that I was able to retire in 2012. He was already retired. That gave us six years where we were together 24/7 and I don't regret one minute. He liked being an empty nester. It took me awhile to appreciate there just being the two of us but we had a great time together. We had our daily routine . He had his retirement lunch group that usually met once a month. Yes, there were times when I would get so tired especially when he experienced complications as a result of some medical procedure. But again I have no regrets about my behavior. I only regret that he is no longer with me.
I have so many regrets: being selfish,proud,arrogant, not trusting him enough,speaking too much,throwing my anger on him,judging him and criticising him rather then supporting him and encouraging him. I have been a horrible wife, no wonder God took him away from me.
Oh Roxana, please don't feel that way. I bet he loved you loads just the way you were. Like you said previously, you need to forgive yourself. Try to remember the good times.
Dear vintage 56,
thank you for your kind words. Yes, he loved me very much, but that does not justify my behaviour. That man deserved to be happy and i didnt do my job properly as a wife. He was the kindest, generous, self sacrificial soul , the most special husband, and I took him for granted. Now i would give anything to have a few more years with him and treasure him as i should have.
No worries thinking you are going crazy - the guilt/blame "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" is normal, common as well as can be overwhelmingly debilitating as you have described ...
The thing to remember is grief is like an altered state of mind, hence, the term "widowbrain" ...
After writing a long reply, I found a link I never knew existed that will explain this far better than I can ...
Hope this helps ...
Thank you, Melissa. It does help. I hope you are ok.Hugs.
I wish I had spent more time with him, esp. at the end. He loved watching sports on TV, I can't stand sports. So I would be in the bedroom watching what he called "my crazies" on another TV (usually comedy and he could hear me laughing). I would go out and visit once in a while, or he would call me out to watch a great play. What I wouldn't give for an evening on the couch with him, watching the dullest baseball game.
No, we were married over 47 years and together for 50 years. We loved hard and we fought hard. Sure we said some things in the heat of the moment....but thank God we had enough love for each other to know when and how to say sorry. I look back over the years we had and I probably would give him more hugs and kisses. He was such a romantic. I pampered him . I took care of him and did everything I could to make his life easier, especially during the years after he suffered a stroke and subsequently went on dialysis. We were two imperfect people who were perfectly fit for each other. No, I have no regrets about my behavior because I forgave myself a long time ago.
Had I not been informed by caring widows that the shoulda, coulda, wouldas is from widowbrain, a normal & common response to grief for many widowed, I would have felt shamed by the guiltless(?) as well as ashamed of myself & would have had more cause to beat up on myself ...
Keyword is "forgiveness" as well as humility now & throughout life ...