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A hard question but do you have any regrets about your behavior during your marriage?

I wish I hadn't expressed anger as much as I did. Ken would tell me that I felt too entitled to my anger and I think he was right. He was rarely angry, and I wish I would have behaved more as he did, calmer. It would have made him happier. That is my main regret.

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Oh you took the words right out of my mouth! I have been beating myself up since my husband died almost four and a half years ago!! So many times I was such a bitch and make life miserable. We were married for thirteen years and he had a drinking problem and then cheated on me, I divorced him and long story short we remarried years later after we both had failed marriages with other people. He had stopped drinking and we were older and wiser. We were togther a total of 35 years. But we didn't talk when he got the cancer and we didn't talk about him dying, we just didn't communicate about anything and he was not affectionate, but I knew he loved me. And I should have talked to him and thanked him for everything he did for me and all the ways he showed me how much he loved me but I didn't and he died and I feel so guilty and ashamed it's killing me!!!! Everyone says to get over it, that it's OK, he has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself!

I can guarantee our husbands forgave us.  My husband always found excuses for someones bad behaviour. And we need to remember they suffer no more, the past is gone, including our bitchines. But we need to learn our lesson and try to be less bitchy. Although we feel like there is no point since they are gone and we cant be the nicer wife they deserve anymore. I think we will keep processing the guilt, shame , and hurt throughout the years, its part and parcel of the “ torture” and there is no way around it. And please trust me, you were nowhere near as bitchy and horrible as I was. And my husband did not drink, did not cheat and was the  best husband and the kindest soul you could meet. So maybe that will make you feel better. Hugs and love, Roxi

OMG, Cat, I could have written the statement you wrote.I have been riddled with guilt but I know that he loved me so much and he knew that I loved him the same. We always communicated so great throughout our marriage but when he got cancer its as if we were both at just such a loss for words. We had no idea how to talk anymore. I had to learn that even though he was out of it most of the time near the end , he did try to tell me and show me that he still loved me so very much no matter what.We are always so hard on ourselves. 

You sound like you're in my head. I beat myself up daily and say I'm so sorry to Rodney every day. My rational mind knows that I was there for him. I supported him. I rubbed his back, picked his ingrown beard hairs, and did his laundry. I kept the kids out of our bedroom on weekends so he could rest. I thanked him for loving me for choosing me and for being fiercely protective loyal and dedicated to me. I ignored my inner voice and followed his lead to support him. But when I'm down in the dumps, which is often its only been almost 8 months for me, all I can see is what I did "wrong". Complaining about his shoes all over. Or about that he didn't clean up. Not kissing and hugging him enough. Not welcoming him home w a sunshiny smile and hug every day bc I was exhausted from work the kids, life. Im trying to forgive myself. Its really really really really hard.... 

This is one of the hardest things for me right now.  I have so many regrets.  Mainly, that I wish I was more understanding during his illnesses and handled things better.  The stress of having to take care of him along with 3 high needs kids did not bring out the best in me by any means.  I said many things I now wish I didn't.  I thought he didn't try hard enough to stay healthy, or was always trying to get out of working or helping with the kids. The day he died he was released from the hospital.  I was told that day he was terminal and there wasn't any more that could be done.  I was so nervous about him coming home.  I didn't think I could handle it, I thought I would do something wrong and kill him.  I was dreading this so much, then he dies on the porch coming into the house.  It was going to happen sooner rather than later anyway, but sometimes think if I didn't have those thoughts about him coming home maybe he would of held on longer.  I just hope he knows I did love him.
Peg ... he knows.
He knows-he always knew.  : )
I know this sounds crazy but I don't have any regrets. None. I always did what I thought was right for "us" not me and not him. We were always together, he worked full time which meant 2 days a week. Granted he was older an had accomplished many things in his life, which made him available to be at home or with us all the time. When he got sick I always made decisions thinking " am I gonna regret this?" and if the answer was yes then I didn't do it. I had a lot of resistance from people on my decisions but I honestly didn't give a fuck at the time. I was brutal to people when jim was sick and I know they were looking out for my safety- but they didn't understand that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't do things the way that I felt I should. I have had people tell me after Jim died that I taught them how to love. Wow! I was taken back by that, these people with so much life experience were learning by a 31 year old's love and devotion to an insane older man. it just reaffirms for me that my decision to live without regrets, however painful it was gonna be, was the best decision.
Good for you, Gayle - and I'm really happy that people shared that you taught them how to love.

I have regrets. I wish I would have been more willing to do the things he wanted to do. He was always on the go. I put up resistance to stay home some. I wish I went with him to pick up dinner then night before he passed. I would value those extra minutes with him. I wish I said I love you more. I wish I told him how handsome I thought he was. I wish I praised him for working so hard to provide for us. I know I DID do these things but I just wish I did MORE of it. 


Today has been a hard day for me. I guess regret just fits right in with my mood today. 

I have some "I wish I would haves"...traveled more together, come home earlier from work, lived each day with the same positive attitude he had.  


Kris & Shadow - thank you for your encouraging words for each of us to deal with what we would like to do over.

I didnt think about regrets like this...I have those too.  I wish we had more time to spend together, he was always gone and we rarely got to spend time together.  And i wish I had been there very step of the way when he was dying, his last 40 minutes...but the doctors wouldn't let me in there. I wish I could remember my last words to him, did I say I love you? everything happened so quickly that morning.  I know we did say I love you to each other that morning, but when? That has haunted me.  And you know, even thinking about it is stressing me out and making my heart rate go faster :(


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