So heres something I think about, My husband has been gone alomost a year. And although I haven't reached the wanting to date anyone phase I wonder what to do about the fact that I'm scared to meet someone that I really like, start getting involved and they die on me. I don't know if I can go through that again. Is it normal to be afraid to put my heart out there again only to have it shredded again?
I think that's normal, whatever normal means! But you might be a little too vulnerable now. Maybe when fear turns to acceptance is an indicator. The truth is getting involved with someone means there is a 50% chance he will die before you. Hard truth but there it is.
I'm at the point where it isn't that which gives me pause but the whole building a relationship thing. Whew, I don't know if I can handle that!
This might be one of the first thoughts when contemplating the direction of our lives alone. When you reach the point when you are no longer grieving, then you can decide. If you find someone and you have a chance for happiness, wouldn’t it be worth the pain or disappointment that relationship might bring? Apart from that, in time you may feel content to be alone. Since we will all leave here one day (and we know not when) live while you are living!
You are very right. I know when I first met Mike and realized that there was something there, all bets were off. I would love to be blindsided by love like that again.
It's been 6 years now for me. One of the things Susan and I discussed was what the survivor should do. We each told the other that they should go out and continue to life life to the fullest. Get remarried. At first nothing could have been abhorrent or foreign to me. Then rushing into another relationship seemed to dishonor our 35 year marriage. Then as time went on loneliness set in, and maybe... As time went on the loneliness grew and grew becoming a kind of driving urge problem. Now that it has been 6 years, I've gotten used to being alone, rising when I wanted, eating what I wanted instead of planning and shopping for weeks ahead. I've turned a corner and I've become used to "Living without Adult Supervision."
I would love to meet a woman with whom I could talk to, go out to dinner with, shop with, theater, symphony, walk hand in hand with, maybe kiss? And as things went we would become best friends. After that, it would be up to us if we wanted to go further. But, for me, the best friends, must come first.
Personally, becoming involved with a widow, I think, could be ideal. If the woman had been divorced, then at some point when if I were to have a flash back ( a zinger so to speak) I believe she might at some time say, "Arn't you over her yet?" The absolute wrong thing to say. If I were going with a widow, and it occurred to one of us, it would be a wonderful time to talk, to support, and a time to learn, and a time to enrich our time together.
I certainly feel that way. I'm 65 so odds are that could happen sooner rather than later with a new man. I'm just dipping my toe in now, almost two years out- have gone on 3 match.com dates, No fireworks yet, but not bad, either, so I have hope. All were kept "light"- coffee or n informal lunch. I'm taking it one step at a time. I doubt I'll ever marry again and am not sure I want to cohabitate- either my place or his. I'm also not going to get involved with a guy who doesn't have the means to provide for his own long-term care. (I can provide for mine.) I'm hoping that will limit any intensive caregiving on my part. As for the emotional loss- I can deal with that, I think. I still feel more gratitude for the years Ron and I had together, than sorrow over losing him.
Athena—gratitude is how I felt and still feel after a number of years. Love is all we really have that is truly worth anything! It is a gift not enjoyed by everyone, so having experienced it, I am grateful. I admire the way you keep going, Athena. I hope you meet up with someone who shares your interests.
Frank, I agree with your post too. I don’t mind being alone anymore either. It’s not an option or a choice, it’s the way it is! So, I am going to make the best of it. I can take care of myself and I should be OK financially. Companionship would be nice but you’re right about needing to meet someone that would understand your feelings. Too much to expect and too much work for me so I have accepted that this is the way it will be. It’s not all that bad, I am getting by just fine. I still do miss my husband and continue to think about him every day. No one could ever replace him in my heart! Life is what we make it, don’t you think? My life is not perfect and I accept that. It has become easier to let the small things roll off my back though!
The question of a 2nd widowhood cannot be answered till it's lived. Those who choose to marry a terminally ill person know their spouse will die. What is thought of any time after nuptials is one 's spouse will die at some time later, hopefully, w/out either knowing who will precede the other ...
The issue at hand is the high levels of stress hormones that causes fear & anxiety; they are a real part of grief that can be taken by the reins to alleviate &/or slow it down. Over an extended period of time, the grief process might calm &/or resolve it albeit if complicated grief or trauma are not part of the equation. Thinking too far into the unknown future creates additional fear. Live it one step at a time, you still have grief to work through. Breathe, go for a walk, engage in physical work to relieve your sufferings from stress & anxiety based fear to run rampant &/or incapacitate you ...
For myself, I found it best to learn how to work w/my grief to avoid succumbing to parts that could keep me in a holding pattern of fear, depression, detachment, etc ...
Ready or not, the future will come quickly while fearing it ...
Take care of your grief in caring for yourself ...