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Bad day today, why I don't know.  Was having a string of good days but then the sadness and despair returned in full force today. Anyone else feeling like this 'routine' is just 'existing' and not living.  Routine = wake up from poor night's sleep, realize spouse is not next to you.  Attend to dogs, make sure child(ren) is up for their 'virtual' school (which is not like real school, don't care what anyone says), work from virtual office in home, stare at walls, feel the emptiness, wonder what to make for dinner, get tired of watching movies for the 50th time from Avengers, Fast and Furious or X-Men series.  Even for an avid sports fan, no interest in watching re-runs of games from 15-25 years ago, the outcome isn't going to change, Sick of sports channels trying to pass off esports as the real thing, no way.  Sick of watching news and government or health experts not knowing who to believe, if anyone.  Is this what it's come to ?  Highlight of long weekend will be going to grocery store while wearing mask and staring at empty shelves wishing spouse was there to enjoy dinner with.  Is this the best there is - going to obscure super market to find rolls of toilet paper that no one heard of the manufacturer ?  No one to meet with, no extended family support, is this the best to come ?   I'm not one who wants to throw himself in the grave next to his beloved.  I want to feel happy again, to know what it's like to love again and live again.  I'm not ready to get busy dying.    However, in these circumstances, what is the reason to believe it will change ?

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Yes, it's happened to me. Five months since hubby passed, I've managed okay, good, badly, or sometimes, like a zombie, and then, suddenly from nowhere, I'm bawling or feeling the initial period of shock and loss all over again. Yesterday, I had to handle a matter that required producing the death certificate. And I lost it all over again, which I have not done for a while. Sometimes, for no reason, without any obvious trigger, the reality of being "alone" for the rest of my life paralyzes me again like the first time I realized my life had changed forever. 

I have no interest in meeting anyone or be with anyone. I would welcome friends but I'm not interested in partnering with anyone. Pandemic or not, I believe that life can be good, and be good again for me as a widow (I dislike that word!). I took care of hubby for ten years, so maybe that affects how I feel about my life going forward. I need me-time, with hubby on the other side and me on this side. 

Yes, Oskar, I do think you will feel happy again. Because, to me, every day is a new tomorrow. "not ready to get busy dying" is a great way to start again when the sadness and despair return in full force. I think we will go through the turmoil of emotions over and over but that's just the process. I want to believe that what's ahead is up to me. 

Meanwhile, tomorrow may be another good day or one of those punch in the gut ones again. Life goes on, I'll make it. 

Oskar, I agree with you and Maggiepie.  The monotonous “routine” we are all in right now is terrible and grieving during this is even more difficult.   The “routine” is affecting everyones mental health.  My 25 year old tonight said he has had it and that he is really over this (he is also out of work due to covid restrictions and really enjoys his job).  The lack of social interaction, mourning, and being so confined is getting to him.  

Like Maggpie said, “every day is a new tomorrow”.   I don’t think the Sadness will totally ever go away but hopefully the pain lessens.  My husband told me “I know you will grieve, but then promise you will live life to the fullest”.   I know it will be difficult without him by my side.  But I also know he truly wants me to enjoy life.

Maggiepie, I hate the word widow too.  And I also agree about life eventually being good as a widow and us rediscovering ourselves.

one day at a time and we will get to where our journey is better.

I am only at nine months from my husband's suicide so I don't have any words of wisdom. Just know you aren't alone in your feelings.

I can understand how this pandemic can have an even worse impact on those who are grieving.  That feeling of helplessness and the inability to have any control over our lives can leave us depressed, that’s for sure!  We have to face reality and the fact that this may go on for quite a while.  Right now, focusing on survival and staying healthy is about all we can do. I have to agree, it does feel like we are just existing but for now, we have to accept that.  I believe better days are ahead!

Sorry to hear you got hit by the whiplash effect of grief ...

Unfortunately, grief does not go away on its own, it has to be discharged regularly. For me, I found I had 2 choices; one was to take care of it or let it build up to implode & take days to recover from. I choose to trigger grief prior to outings & at bedtime. It provided tremendous relief & time to get things done w/out grief sneaking up on me. You'll find what works best for you ...

Take care of yourself has a deeper meaning during a time of great loss ...

I understand what you are saying about the whiplash. I am, still trying to figure out how to deal with it. Last Thursday the 21 it hit hard, I knew that the next day, Friday would mark 8 weeks since I lost my wife. Friday, Saturday and now Sunday all really bad days. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I know the whiplash hit and its really bad this time. I can only suppose there is more to come.

Thanks Melissa for your suggestions - interested in your ways to 'trigger grief'.  Were you able to trigger at bed time without it affecting your sleep ?  Also, prior to outings if you 'triggered' grief didn't it affect your mood or others around you at these outings ?

You're all doing the best thing you can--you're meeting your grief head-on. In addition to the sadness you feel, you're also caring for your children and pets in the middle of a pandemic. Every single thing becomes a distraction or annoyance when we're already under stress. All I can say is that you should stop and breathe whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Oh, yeah...you're also allowed to cry. Everything you mention is (unfortunately) normal for those of us who are widowed.

Like you, I didn't think things would ever change. They will...eventually. You have to be patient--with the world...and with yourself. That's the hard part.

Beautiful post and my feelings exactly.  I hope it all gets better soon.

Oskar, and everyone else who feels this way. 

I'm 6 years out and I can say you all are completely normal in your early stages of grief. 

When I was in your shoes, my first 3 months were like Groundhog Day; not one good day in there.  Then when I did have a good day guess what ?  I immediately felt like crap because I didn't love Darlene enough to still be feeling like shit.  Like I have always said " there's no winning in grief ".  I don't know how far out from loss all you are but know this,  the journey you are on has no timeline for what is right or wrong everyone is different.   But I can say most everyone that was on Widville when I first got on worked their butts off processing their grief and moved forward on their lifelong journey.   NOTICE that I didn't say moved on.  That's because we never move on but move forward. 

At some point my grief fog started to clear and I was setup on a blind date by mutual friends who knew both of us well.  Things got serious between us and I had a new problem; I was feeling like I had 1 foot in the grief community and 1 foot in the living world again. 

Best advice I can give you all is to keep posting here and process your grief.  Also,  go easy on yourself.

Take care. 

Doug 

Is it not possible to be in both? The grief world and the living world? I know at ten months I am still so early in my traumatic loss but I think I'm some ways I will always want to be a part of the community even if it's just to support others who come after me.

Doug, thanks for sharing with all of us.  I also really like what you said regarding moving forward.  Tracey

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