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I was on facebook (which I rarely do) last week and a friend posted a quote that went something like " I am not here so don't tell me you miss me or love me because I am not here." I do visit my wife's grave almost everyday to reflect and talk to her. I know her soul is elsewhere and I don't talk to the dirt although I make sure her final resting place look as she would like. I go there because it is peaceful and I can mourn as I wish and release some of the pain. Once again Facebook knows everything!

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No,cemeteries are not the wrong place to hang out.     I go every Saturday and Sunday to put flowers on Lupe's crypt.    You're right, her soul is not there, but after I put the flowers on her crypt, I still take the time to let her know how I'm doing and what I'm doing.     I figure she's listening, somewhere and somehow.

However well-intended people say the wrong things sometimes.  Everyone has their own beliefs and I respect that, but it is my own belief that our loved ones are "everywhere."  This is "your" journey - listen to "your" heart.

Mike,
I don't belong to Facebook, call me antisocial. It probably has some good points and it certainly has some bad. Feelings get hurt. People feel insulted, instead of a personal call regarding an ill or the passing of a close relative, it gets posted on Facebook. If you don't subscribe, (as myself) you are pretty much ignored by relatives, especially the younger ones.

Just ignore that comment. Do whatever helps you. Cemeteries are also for the living. If you feel closer there, then go there. I spent a few years talking to my husband, mainly around the house. Who knows if we are heard or not? It's more about verbalizing and maybe letting go of some of those feelings. Yes, I also tidy up the site-even trim any weeds. I change out the flag whenever it becomes tattered. I leave wreaths, flowers and sprays of pine at Christmas. I know "he" is not there, but it is where I can honor his memory.

I say do what you have to do to help with expressing your feelings. My husband's spirit is everywhere so why not in the cemetery.  I visit him with and feel closer to him, his body is there.  The body is a vessel, yes, but his body was a part of his living self.  I feel good to put flowers, flags, and to talk to him.  My therapist told me to visit less only because she said that it allows me to have more time for me, this is now my life.  I am now a single mother, time is precious, and visiting my husband takes the time I need to take care of me, point taken.  I visit my Love when I feel a strong desire to and on special occasions.  Do what is right for you Mike, I have facebook for entertainment not for important life lessons. Take care.

Thanks guys, I really don't pay a whole lot attention to Facebook however this was a friend who posted on Facebook and someone I confided in. I spend maybe 10 minutes a day at the cemetery which is 2 minutes from my house. To be honest, I talk to Linda almost everywhere, during work or home or out at the cemetery it doesn't matter. I miss her so much. The cemetery is important to me because it was important to my wife since both her parents are buried there. My life is surrounded by her at every turn I see her in all parts of my life which is why It is so difficult to overcome. We all miss them because of love and as we say her remains lie in a location which gives me a point that I will cherish only because it was a part of her life here on earth. I can only hope that one day I can hug and hold her once again.

i Mike,

Sometimes even the best of friends don't exercise the best judgement.  A close friend of mine also posted something on Facebook (FB) that was written in general terms but I knew she was referring to me.  She even called me to ask if I was offended by it.  I told her that I was not so that she would not feel worse.  Ironically, I sometimes find myself trying to comfort others while I am grieving.  In any case, there was no real damage done, and she did not name me, so I just let it go. 

On another occasion, a different friend had taken a snapshot of me at a gathering and said she was going to post it on FB.  With her fingers at the ready on her phone, I gently put my hand on hers and looked at her as I said,  "Please don't -  I don't like it."  Thankfully, she respected my wishes.  Sometimes you just need to be polite but firm.

If this brings you comfort, go for it! This is YOUR grief, YOUR way of remembering her, YOUR place of peace.  At some time, you will learn to remember your wife in your heart -- but now is not that time. Wishing you all the best.

I am not a believer in life after death, but it was still important to me to make a grave that I think Sharon would have liked. Intellectually I believe that Sharon is gone, and for the most part I feel it emotionally as well. For the most part, but not completely.

I visit Sharon’s grave occasionally as a way of bringing parts of me to the surface that don’t find much room in my new life.  For all that I know she is gone there are still parts of my heart that haven’t got that message, there are still echoes and whispers of the love I felt, and the stillness of her graveside is somewhere that I go so those parts of me have a chance to be heard.

So, no matter what you believe comes after this life, a cemetery is not the wrong place to hang out.  If you feel that the visits are helping you then going to that place in the world is taking you to the places in your heart that you need and want to go.

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