Hi, Steve...when I read or hear from people who have new relationships, this reconciling of the new with the old seems to be a common theme. I have friends who have met new people and they don't seem all that happy to have found someone new. Sometimes the same old crap from dating when we were young happens again. The women in particular tell of men who get too intense too fast and scare themselves to death and back off, so there is this constant pattern of embrace/rejection/embrace/rejection. Yuck. Who needs that? I still remember that vividly from when I was young and how frustrating and baffling it was. One of the things I loved about my husband when we were first dating was that he knew what he wanted. We'd go out and he'd say, "What are you doing Tuesday?" I never once had to wait for a call. He never once got scared and backed off. Sometimes later on when he became so difficult I forgot about that and I wish I hadn't. Because it made a huge difference in how I felt about him.
I know that as long as I would be comparing someone to him, I'm in no shape to welcome someone else into my life. And like Maggie, without the immediacy of the difficult parts of my marriage in my face all the time, I'm better able to appreciate the good parts of what we had. To add that kind of emotional chaos into my life? Feh!
I'm 60 years old. I'm financially independent. I just don't want to deal with some guy's unresolved childhood baggage, fear of intimacy, sexual issues, tobacco addiction, drinking problem, emotional remoteness, financial problems, or child issues. Sometimes I think I "should" start thinking about trying again and then I hear how people who are in new relationships feel like imposters in their own lives and I realize that I can have a perfectly happy life with good friends. And if I can't, I'd better learn to.
Steve, this moving on is an interesting complexed set of issues that has had me soul searching for an extended period of time. There appears in my thoughts to be a multitude of dimensions in this part of the journey. If I listen to music there are lines that flash out the answers to some of a my thoughts regarding moving on .It was not until I met Ellen when she gently got me to listen to all the cool lines in the songs carefully that I realized what wealth there were in them. Before they were just cruising songs to crank up the radio while we lapped Central Avenue at various times in the night and speeds.
I take lines of songs to reinforce what I am looking for in a person to move on. If one just takes a simple song by the Monkies."I'm a Believer," there are a couple of lines that I find informative. Davy Jones states in one line "the more I put in the less I got out". I sure do not need that. The other "Saw her face and now I am a believer." Yes, I saw her face and I was a believer for over twenty-six married years,and STILL AM.
Now when Ann Murray sings "You Needed Me"..... She did and that another area that made me a Believer. The words inner-lock from one song to another that aids in building thoughts about the next lady in my life, if it is ever meant to be. I love listening to Shania Twain and Olivia Newton. They both have a lot in their music that makes me think about Believer #2, again if they even exists. If not I will walk it alone.
Up until now probably everyone that reads this post would understand what I am stating. If I listen to the Hollies, "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress" brings tears in my eyes, Most people would not know why, but Ellen would understand totally. That brings up the second part those who would not take the time to learn ones past,I would not want them in my future. That is why in any relationship there are connections of thought that need a nurtured/caring way into a relationship.. In short patience in communications.
This area brings out another dimension that is challenging. Years of specials shared events and moments that one wants to reflect back with the person that is gone. It is hard to place those special thoughts or feeling into a future relationship, and obviously they have them to share as well. Even at that, it seems they do not have the same emotional shared charge as the original couple looking back on them.
I guess the point is prayer and music helps me re-establish my footing in this type of thought to the best I am able to do. Also you made me reflect back on that topic today.
We hold a Widowed Village meetup on Thursday afternoon at the hotel pool bar that you could stop by, Steve. We start gathering around 4pm and some end up staying there most of the night, some will wander off to get something to eat. It's a great way to meet those you've gotten acquainted with here in Widowed Village and some other Campers, too. And the San Diego pool bar area is really fabulous.