Hello, my name is Steve and my long time male life partner passed in March 2009, from an 18 month battle with stage 4 colon cancer. We had just celebrated our 30th anniversary the prior January before he passed, I was 46 and he 50 yrs old when he passed. I was absolutely devestated At his passing, the shock and awe of finding myself in this situation was so hard for me to swallow, and I was just so lost and didn't think I would survive it. It took me about 3 yrs to realize that I wasn't going to be joining him in heaven any time soon, and it was time for me to start trying to put a new life together. I have read so many books, participated in weekly therapy, and have done everything I could think of to assist me in my healing, and trying to let go of my prior life with Mike and allow myself to find a new, happy, content life. I am at peace where Mike is, I know he still loves me, and we will be together again, when its my time to pass. The tricky part I am going thru now, is moving on. I have worked very hard at this part. I have faced going thru all our memories and trinkets, cleaned out my entire life of our stuff we shared. I have moved from our home, come to terms with all the long time friends that are no longer a part of my life, a new wonderful man popped into my life in Aug 2013 and although I had great reservations and apprehension, I decided to move forward with him into a new love and committed relationship. We have now been together since December 2013. I love him very much, he is a wonderful guy. But still, in the quiet, I am still looking for my old life on a daily basis. I think I have moved on, have so many wonderful things in this new life, but still, I feel like something huge is still missing. Deep down inside, I am sad, lost and still yearning for Mike, still looking for him when I wake, still expecting him to be there when I have joyous news, or face a difficult challenge. I am still surprised at times, when I am cooking dinner waiting for my partner to walk in the door, and it's not Mike, it's now Chris. "Oh yea". "Mike is gone"! There are so many moments in my daily life, that are different now. Not that my new life isn't good, I'm very lucky, and have so many good things, it's just trying to create this new life, as my new "normal". When Chris holds me, is affectionate to me, picks me up from the airport, just every day, normal things, I'm still disappointed deep down inside, it's not Mike. I'm so sad, that I'm not so fulfilled, and joyous, in this new life, like I was before. I know I have to be patient, the connection I had to Mike was built over 30 yrs, and I have to give it time with Chris and my new friends, and so on. I just don't feel the connection to this new life, feels like I woke up in a new strange life, and I'm trying to make it work, but it feels like I'm faking it to a degree. 95% of the people in my new life are new, and I'm grateful for them, but I miss that long time connection with people I loved and knew so well. I'm missing "home". I'm hoping someone out there is going thru the same thing, or has gone thru the same thing and can share their experience in this.