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When Barry was alive, he always told me that he wanted me to keep his ashes in the back of the van, and then if I got stuck in the ice or snow, to throw him under the tires and he'd help me get going.  LOL  I was always horrified when he said that, but now it makes me smile and laugh at his humour, which I miss every single day.

He was cremated, but he was a big guy.  Tall and stocky, and overweight, so I have a LOT of ashes.  When I was at the funeral home with my mom, I picked out an oak urn and had it engraved, and he was put inside.  This is now sitting on top of my very high book shelf that we can look at  but not see unless we look for it.  There were extra ashes though, and some I had put into the kids' teddy bears (we made teddy bears at Build a Bear last father's day,the ashes I took along were in film canisters), and maybe an 1/8th of a tsp I had put in my pendant (which I showed on an earlier post), but we have so many more.  


I was doing what I thought was the proper thing when he died.  I know he wanted an urn, so I got one.  But now I don't know what to do with them at all.  I have extra in my hope chest, and this big heavy oak box on my book shelf.  It was a waste of $300 to be honest.  We dont have anywhere that is extremely special to us, I don't feel right about putting him in a cemetary because what if I move some day? but would it be wrong to keep him in the closet? One of my girlfriends did this actually, she didn't "display" them.  I just did that because I felt it was right, but now I don't really want to have them out.  And let's not get started on the extras..yikes. 


I'm just drawing a blank because I don't know what to do.  I guess I could keep them till the kids are older and then if they want to have them, they can divvy them up? that sounds morbid, but i dont have any other ideas.

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Great idea, Joanna. There are so many really beautiful places in Utah for you and your kids to visit to spread Barry's ashes.

Made the decision to put Mike by his parents.  Now to get myself to the cemetery, find their marker and decide how to go from there.  Not much time left before kids get out of school.  Hope to have this done soon.  I don't know what else to do, I know he would be happy being with them.  Better than sitting in the spare bedroom. And yes, I opened the box and put my fingers through them once.  Gave him the riot act while doing it lol!  Haven't felt the need to do that since though. 

What a great discussion. I've been wrestling with what to do with the ashes myself. My husband died snowmobiling in th UP of Michigan, a place we both loved very much and hoped to retire to our cabin there. As homeowners we even get free plots in the town cemetery there. Mark always loved that 'perk'- if you know pilots - they are cheap :-D. But when we were making the funeral arrangements my oldest son who is 9 wanted him to be buried in the church cemetery here in Wisconsin so he could ride his bike over and talk to him whenever he needed to. Mark and I were never big on the formal funeral stuff - in fact we would always joke that neither of us wanted a wake, funeral, or burial; he would always say "let the med students experiment with my body, I don't need it. Take the money you would spend on a funeral, throw a party, pay bills and get some ashes from the fireplace if you have to spread something then put up a marker in the ol' town cemetery so people in the future know I was here."

Well so far I have not been been barely able to do what he wanted. I was able to do organ and tissue donation. That was extremely important to him as his brother received donor bone after his neck was broken and my son's godmother is a liver recipient. But after that I did everything he did not want; had a wake - our boys wanted to see dad one last time and his mother, and dad wanted one too; had a funeral in the Catholic church - he was not even Catholic but I am (sort of - I call myself a Jesus Christ Superstar/Godspell Catholic) and we were raising the boys Catholic; and I purchased a plot in the Catholic cemetery in the town we live in now to bury the ashes in so my son's can ride there bike to 'see' him. Mark's ashes are still at the funeral home because I'm still wrestling with maybe dividing them up; burying some here, burying some in the UP ol' town cemetery, scattering some in the many places he loved, and then having a stone or beads made with some. But all that dividing and doing several memorials just seems too heart wrenching for me right now. I'm keeping my composure by a thread evey second of every day. I'm also afraid that I will never get around to doing something with ashes I have and just end up moving them around.

My husband and I felt the same way as you and your husband about wakes, funerals, etc... We ended up having a wake (for everyone else, not for me) but it was very non traditional. My husband's ashes were not even present because he was still being autopsied (there just happened to be a big shake-up at the local coroner's office due to corruption issues the day my husband died, leading to delay after delay....just what I needed at the time....right?) My children, some of my in-laws and I made poster boards with our favorite pictures of Reid which were displayed at the wake while his favorite songs were playing in the background. Our religious background is exactly like yours so we didn't do the church thing. When the ashes were ready I was not. The funeral home would not store them for me so I had to go and pick them up. That was extremely hard! I cried all the way home and left them in the garage all night. They are still in the garage in one of my husband's favorite places, his beloved pickup truck. I haven't decided what to do with them. I've changed my mind a dozen times so, I've decided not to make any decisions until I'm totally sure it's the right one.

I've enjoyed reading the posts about what others have done! There's some great ideas here.

My sister still has her husband's ashes in the closet since he passed in 2005. She doesn't know what to do with them. I don't even have my husband's ashes, his younger brother does. I have no idea what kind of urn he bought either. My two brothers-in-law took care of all of that for me, which was right for me. Even after 18 months, I still can't look at Tony's photos, and looking at his tools and belongings is still hard, so I really don't need his urn sitting around reminding me too. I have enough already going on in my head. For a memorial, I have on the wall a framed Fire Department memorial with his badges, buttons, and patches (he was a volunteer for 30+ years). It is very fitting. My brother-in-law said at the beginning that one day he would take Tony's ashes back to VT where we lived, take my husband's favorite hike and scatter his ashes in the wind at his favorite view. Wimp that I am, I can't take part in that. My husband always said he wanted me to take a hang-gliding flight (a "lesson", I don't fly) and scatter his ashes in the air. Well, it was landing his glider that caused his death. I am through with the sport of hang gliding, wish we had never heard of it, so I will never take that flight. I know I am running away from facing all of this, but it is one of the ways that I have found to cope. By the way, KrustyTheCat, I love your husband's humor.
we're going on a 10 day road trip when we spread the ashes,a nd we're so excited.  We have one day booked for Arches National Park and Dead Horse Point state park in Utah, and I'll spread the ashes somewhere in one of the parks.  I know I'm going to cry, but I feel so good about this decision.  I know Barry wouldn't want us to hang onto him forever.
 I've been reading everyones's post and it is so great that everyone here is so excepting of anything anyone else does! People look at me funny sometimes when I tell them things that I do or plan to do to stay close to my husband. KC wanted to be cremated but he didn't care what I did with him after I gave him his final street rod ride. We belong to a car club and they all showed up at his service and when it was all over my youngest son and I took him and went for a long ride with all our friends. We had about forty old cars with everyone waving as we went bye. He would of loved it. Now it's up to me and I'm very happy with him right next to my bed so he is the last thing I see and touch each night and the first each morning! The way it always was in life.
My husband is still in the bag in the box.  I don't have the strengh to take it out of the bag.  Its in my closet and i sit in there and cry and talk to him.  Basicly what I am doing is keeping them as is.  When I die I want my ashes mixed together with his so we will always be we should of been for longer then God gave us.  My son at that time can make the choice if he wants to keep them or spread somewhere.  I don't think the idea of divvy up sounds morbid.  I have had two friends that asked for some of his ashes.  I will in time give them some when I get stronger
It's been almost 5 months since I lost the love of my life. His ashes have been in his truck (which was one of the loves of his life) since I rec'd them. He loved that truck, . waxing and washing it regularly, parking miles away from where we were going so it wouldn't get dinged. I NEVER drove the truck while he was alive for fear something would happen to it and I would feel responsible. Last week I decided it was time and took the truck and my husband for a ride. I drove through the Metropark where my husband spent most of his youth and where he and my son went every evening to look for deer. I was only going to take a short quick drive as I was nervous about driving a truck and unsure how I would be emotionally. However, once I started driving, I felt this strange sense of inner peace. I felt my husband's presence which I truly haven't felt any other time since his death. I ended up driving for over an hour (stopping at some of the places we use to go to make out~) and yes, there were plenty of tears but I felt so good  after that ride! I even had my first dream about him that night and ended up oversleeping and almost late for work (which would have been totally worth it!)

KrustyTheCat - It sure does sould like he had a great sense of humor!  I know you must miss him terribly.  When my partner died, she made a whole body donation and the remains were cremated and returned to me.  I still have them sitting in the beautiful heart shaped box they were shipped in, which is on a shelf in my living room right next to a picture of her and the guest book from her celebration of life, as well as a box of condolence cards.  I know she wanted her ashes scattered in the ocean, but I did not get them in time for the celebration of life and have been putting it off ever since.  One of my acquaintences waited a year, and then scattered the ashes at a small memorial get together.  When my great uncle died, my cousin made 8 containers, 1 for each family member, and the ashes were divided among us.  (By the way, she is a potter, and made and fired the "urns." )  One of my friends wants me to send her some of the ashes so she can have them made into a piece of jewelry for me.  Whatever you decide to do will be fine.  Wishing you peace and strength!


Thanks everyone for your responses.  

Time is counting down now, and we leave for our trip to spread his ashes in just two weeks.  I'm a little scared, but I can imagine that is completely normal.  I feel like I am really letting him go this time.  But at the same time, i haven't felt his presence in a long time, and I feel he is really at peace now and has moved on.  



My husband wanted to be cremated as well. Before picking up his urn, I went to Pier1 and bought a ton of little bottles. I had them place a tablespoon in each and those of his friends and family that wants some, have some. They will each write a story about the special place they had with my husband. He was very outdoorsie and rode dirt bikes and we traveled a lot together. So, each person will leave his ashes in those special places, write a story about it and Ill place it in a book for our boys. When they are older, they can visit these places and know these were special places for their dad and maybe even feel a little of him there.


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