Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

When Barry was alive, he always told me that he wanted me to keep his ashes in the back of the van, and then if I got stuck in the ice or snow, to throw him under the tires and he'd help me get going.  LOL  I was always horrified when he said that, but now it makes me smile and laugh at his humour, which I miss every single day.

He was cremated, but he was a big guy.  Tall and stocky, and overweight, so I have a LOT of ashes.  When I was at the funeral home with my mom, I picked out an oak urn and had it engraved, and he was put inside.  This is now sitting on top of my very high book shelf that we can look at  but not see unless we look for it.  There were extra ashes though, and some I had put into the kids' teddy bears (we made teddy bears at Build a Bear last father's day,the ashes I took along were in film canisters), and maybe an 1/8th of a tsp I had put in my pendant (which I showed on an earlier post), but we have so many more.  


I was doing what I thought was the proper thing when he died.  I know he wanted an urn, so I got one.  But now I don't know what to do with them at all.  I have extra in my hope chest, and this big heavy oak box on my book shelf.  It was a waste of $300 to be honest.  We dont have anywhere that is extremely special to us, I don't feel right about putting him in a cemetary because what if I move some day? but would it be wrong to keep him in the closet? One of my girlfriends did this actually, she didn't "display" them.  I just did that because I felt it was right, but now I don't really want to have them out.  And let's not get started on the extras..yikes. 


I'm just drawing a blank because I don't know what to do.  I guess I could keep them till the kids are older and then if they want to have them, they can divvy them up? that sounds morbid, but i dont have any other ideas.

Tags: cremation, memorials

Views: 2561

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

 I've been reading everyones's post and it is so great that everyone here is so excepting of anything anyone else does! People look at me funny sometimes when I tell them things that I do or plan to do to stay close to my husband. KC wanted to be cremated but he didn't care what I did with him after I gave him his final street rod ride. We belong to a car club and they all showed up at his service and when it was all over my youngest son and I took him and went for a long ride with all our friends. We had about forty old cars with everyone waving as we went bye. He would of loved it. Now it's up to me and I'm very happy with him right next to my bed so he is the last thing I see and touch each night and the first each morning! The way it always was in life.


Your way sounds like a lot of fun!!  Whatever gets us through each day is okay - as long as we do not intentionally hurt another person, it is no one's business how we live our lives.  My family did not approve of a lot of things in my life after Jimmy died - BUT, they didn't lose the love of their lives - I DID, and I will do whatever works for me.  I like to think that Jimmy watches over me and approves of me.  I wish you the best - you are so very young to lose your spouse.

My husband is still in the bag in the box.  I don't have the strengh to take it out of the bag.  Its in my closet and i sit in there and cry and talk to him.  Basicly what I am doing is keeping them as is.  When I die I want my ashes mixed together with his so we will always be together..like we should of been for longer then God gave us.  My son at that time can make the choice if he wants to keep them or spread somewhere.  I don't think the idea of divvy up sounds morbid.  I have had two friends that asked for some of his ashes.  I will in time give them some when I get stronger
It's been almost 5 months since I lost the love of my life. His ashes have been in his truck (which was one of the loves of his life) since I rec'd them. He loved that truck, . waxing and washing it regularly, parking miles away from where we were going so it wouldn't get dinged. I NEVER drove the truck while he was alive for fear something would happen to it and I would feel responsible. Last week I decided it was time and took the truck and my husband for a ride. I drove through the Metropark where my husband spent most of his youth and where he and my son went every evening to look for deer. I was only going to take a short quick drive as I was nervous about driving a truck and unsure how I would be emotionally. However, once I started driving, I felt this strange sense of inner peace. I felt my husband's presence which I truly haven't felt any other time since his death. I ended up driving for over an hour (stopping at some of the places we use to go to make out~) and yes, there were plenty of tears but I felt so good  after that ride! I even had my first dream about him that night and ended up oversleeping and almost late for work (which would have been totally worth it!)

KrustyTheCat - It sure does sould like he had a great sense of humor!  I know you must miss him terribly.  When my partner died, she made a whole body donation and the remains were cremated and returned to me.  I still have them sitting in the beautiful heart shaped box they were shipped in, which is on a shelf in my living room right next to a picture of her and the guest book from her celebration of life, as well as a box of condolence cards.  I know she wanted her ashes scattered in the ocean, but I did not get them in time for the celebration of life and have been putting it off ever since.  One of my acquaintences waited a year, and then scattered the ashes at a small memorial get together.  When my great uncle died, my cousin made 8 containers, 1 for each family member, and the ashes were divided among us.  (By the way, she is a potter, and made and fired the "urns." )  One of my friends wants me to send her some of the ashes so she can have them made into a piece of jewelry for me.  Whatever you decide to do will be fine.  Wishing you peace and strength!


Thanks everyone for your responses.  

Time is counting down now, and we leave for our trip to spread his ashes in just two weeks.  I'm a little scared, but I can imagine that is completely normal.  I feel like I am really letting him go this time.  But at the same time, i haven't felt his presence in a long time, and I feel he is really at peace now and has moved on.  



My husband wanted to be cremated as well. Before picking up his urn, I went to Pier1 and bought a ton of little bottles. I had them place a tablespoon in each and those of his friends and family that wants some, have some. They will each write a story about the special place they had with my husband. He was very outdoorsie and rode dirt bikes and we traveled a lot together. So, each person will leave his ashes in those special places, write a story about it and Ill place it in a book for our boys. When they are older, they can visit these places and know these were special places for their dad and maybe even feel a little of him there.

Good evening . I'm Drewlady and I am  from Pennsylvania and new to WV. It was two years in May that I lost Drew. He had a lot of complications from diabetes ,collapsed thirty minutes after our oldest graduated college  on the way to a big celebration and died the next day.He wanted to be cremated decided this after my  Dad who was waiting for a new heart decided to be cremated and have a memorial service and that's what Mom did. Drew never would answer when I asked what to do with the ashes.

I decided two days later when trying to think and make  plans to let the kids decide on an urn and what to do with it. They picked out a large( for big pappa bear ) green and white  marble urn and had a gold eagle added. (We became season ticket holders for  Phila Eagles games as newlyweds and the tradition continues.) They asked me about options and quickly decided he should be buried in his family plot with his parents our middle baby who was terminally ill and his niece. Also a lot of my family is in that memorial park with my grandparents very very  close to  Drew and his family.

Later his name was added to the long marker AND what else a gold eagle.I am pleased with this plan but a lot of people questioned the expense. I was comfortable with the urn being in the house or buried but I wanted the kids at ages 20 and 23 to be comfortable as well.

Two aunts scattered their hubbies ashes off their boats . One aunt afterwards hosted a great dinner with lots of seafood.kids and  I nixed that idea when it was mentioned because as a 5 year old Drew witnessed another 5 year old fall out of a boat .Drew never got on another boat not even the family boat or even in the ocean.(That happened in the early 1960s no life jackets or seat belts in cars. But he would swim all day in a pool with the kids and made great sand castles on the beach.) Some folks said they would have scattered the ashes anyway !!   When you think you have heard it all you haven't. !!  

No timeline so when an idea grabs you you will yell "That's It!!"  Don't let anyone rush you.    Let us know what you decide if you want to share later.                                                             Take care everyone.                             

Drewlady again,

Five years ago Drew's godfather died. His widow couldn't decide what to do with the ashes. Her daughter who is a camera person with a local tv station remembered an interview she filmed about an artist  who creates portraits  and if the person is deceased  will mix some of the ashes with the paints if the family would like. That's what the widow decided to do but kept half in the urn in the house. The portrait is breathtaking and is in their living room.

The artist lives in the Philadelphia area but I'm sure other artists have this talent as well.  


Wow, I have similar issue, his family wants to bury his ashes in Maine where he was born, but he lived here in Louisiana since 3rd grade.  I think sharing them is going to be the answer, his family can put part in the family grave site with a marker and  I can do what I feel is best with my portion.  Thinking burying some in a plot I buy for both of us.  Feeling weird about sitting at the kitchen table and separating them,seems disrespectful somehow.  Not sure how to handle that. Guess when I'm ready I'll know.

moonchild7363 - I thought the same thing about my husbands ashes.  His brother wanted some and I thought no way am I separating him.  I want him whole as one!  Anyway the boys and i just went to Bali for what would of been his 40th birthday but ended up being the 1st year anniversary of his death.  A friend put some in a container for me and I took it to Bali and spread it in the hotel we stayed at.  I actually felt good about it.  Now I have no hesitation in separating them.  I am actually 'stealing' another members idea who put her hubbys ashes in a whiskey bottle and then some in some mini bottles for other members of the family.  I am going to do the same as my hubby enjoyed his whiskey too.  We drank plenty at his wake.  But I feel good about it now as he wants a part of him too.  So in the end he is wanted and that's the main thing.  I have to remember it is not him, I have his spirit and soul inside me which is what counts.xx

Instead of spreading ashes all over the place, I am leaving a shirt of his and mine in places.  We were talking about going to the grand canyon this year..didn't make it.  One of my friends sons went there for vkay.  I gave him a shirt of mine and my husbands.  He some how climbed up in a tree and tied them together and took a picture at sunset.  it is the most beautiful thing that has been done for me.  Before he did that he placed the two shirts together to make a heart and sent me that picture also.  The kid is only 22.  I am crying even now as I write this as so many people loved my husband.  It just isn't right or fair that he is gone at 47.


This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."



Use TAGS on blog posts, photos, and when starting discussion topics. They keep content together and are a fun way to browse the site!

© 2014   Created by Supa Dupa Fresh.

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service