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Ashes...what to do with them?
When Barry was alive, he always told me that he wanted me to keep his ashes in the back of the van, and then if I got stuck in the ice or snow, to throw him under the tires and he'd help me get going. LOL I was always horrified when he said that, but now it makes me smile and laugh at his humour, which I miss every single day.
He was cremated, but he was a big guy. Tall and stocky, and overweight, so I have a LOT of ashes. When I was at the funeral home with my mom, I picked out an oak urn and had it engraved, and he was put inside. This is now sitting on top of my very high book shelf that we can look at but not see unless we look for it. There were extra ashes though, and some I had put into the kids' teddy bears (we made teddy bears at Build a Bear last father's day,the ashes I took along were in film canisters), and maybe an 1/8th of a tsp I had put in my pendant (which I showed on an earlier post), but we have so many more.
I was doing what I thought was the proper thing when he died. I know he wanted an urn, so I got one. But now I don't know what to do with them at all. I have extra in my hope chest, and this big heavy oak box on my book shelf. It was a waste of $300 to be honest. We dont have anywhere that is extremely special to us, I don't feel right about putting him in a cemetary because what if I move some day? but would it be wrong to keep him in the closet? One of my girlfriends did this actually, she didn't "display" them. I just did that because I felt it was right, but now I don't really want to have them out. And let's not get started on the extras..yikes.
I'm just drawing a blank because I don't know what to do. I guess I could keep them till the kids are older and then if they want to have them, they can divvy them up? that sounds morbid, but i dont have any other ideas.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Momtofour on -
Thanks everyone for your responses.
Time is counting down now, and we leave for our trip to spread his ashes in just two weeks. I'm a little scared, but I can imagine that is completely normal. I feel like I am really letting him go this time. But at the same time, i haven't felt his presence in a long time, and I feel he is really at peace now and has moved on.
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Permalink Reply by Wahine Erin on -
My husband wanted to be cremated as well. Before picking up his urn, I went to Pier1 and bought a ton of little bottles. I had them place a tablespoon in each and those of his friends and family that wants some, have some. They will each write a story about the special place they had with my husband. He was very outdoorsie and rode dirt bikes and we traveled a lot together. So, each person will leave his ashes in those special places, write a story about it and Ill place it in a book for our boys. When they are older, they can visit these places and know these were special places for their dad and maybe even feel a little of him there.
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Permalink Reply by Robinak on -
What a wonderful way to proceed. Very wonderful and also good for him. Thanks for sharing!
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Permalink Reply by Drewlady on -
Good evening . I'm Drewlady and I am from Pennsylvania and new to WV. It was two years in May that I lost Drew. He had a lot of complications from diabetes ,collapsed thirty minutes after our oldest graduated college on the way to a big celebration and died the next day.He wanted to be cremated decided this after my Dad who was waiting for a new heart decided to be cremated and have a memorial service and that's what Mom did. Drew never would answer when I asked what to do with the ashes.
I decided two days later when trying to think and make plans to let the kids decide on an urn and what to do with it. They picked out a large( for big pappa bear ) green and white marble urn and had a gold eagle added. (We became season ticket holders for Phila Eagles games as newlyweds and the tradition continues.) They asked me about options and quickly decided he should be buried in his family plot with his parents our middle baby who was terminally ill and his niece. Also a lot of my family is in that memorial park with my grandparents very very close to Drew and his family.
Later his name was added to the long marker AND what else a gold eagle.I am pleased with this plan but a lot of people questioned the expense. I was comfortable with the urn being in the house or buried but I wanted the kids at ages 20 and 23 to be comfortable as well.
Two aunts scattered their hubbies ashes off their boats . One aunt afterwards hosted a great dinner with lots of seafood.kids and I nixed that idea when it was mentioned because as a 5 year old Drew witnessed another 5 year old fall out of a boat .Drew never got on another boat not even the family boat or even in the ocean.(That happened in the early 1960s no life jackets or seat belts in cars. But he would swim all day in a pool with the kids and made great sand castles on the beach.) Some folks said they would have scattered the ashes anyway !! When you think you have heard it all you haven't. !!
No timeline so when an idea grabs you you will yell "That's It!!" Don't let anyone rush you. Let us know what you decide if you want to share later. Take care everyone.
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Permalink Reply by Drewlady on
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Drewlady again,
Five years ago Drew's godfather died. His widow couldn't decide what to do with the ashes. Her daughter who is a camera person with a local tv station remembered an interview she filmed about an artist who creates portraits and if the person is deceased will mix some of the ashes with the paints if the family would like. That's what the widow decided to do but kept half in the urn in the house. The portrait is breathtaking and is in their living room.
The artist lives in the Philadelphia area but I'm sure other artists have this talent as well.
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Permalink Reply by moonchild7363 on -
Wow, I have similar issue, his family wants to bury his ashes in Maine where he was born, but he lived here in Louisiana since 3rd grade. I think sharing them is going to be the answer, his family can put part in the family grave site with a marker and I can do what I feel is best with my portion. Thinking burying some in a plot I buy for both of us. Feeling weird about sitting at the kitchen table and separating them,seems disrespectful somehow. Not sure how to handle that. Guess when I'm ready I'll know.
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Permalink Reply by twinsmum on -
moonchild7363 - I thought the same thing about my husbands ashes. His brother wanted some and I thought no way am I separating him. I want him whole as one! Anyway the boys and i just went to Bali for what would of been his 40th birthday but ended up being the 1st year anniversary of his death. A friend put some in a container for me and I took it to Bali and spread it in the hotel we stayed at. I actually felt good about it. Now I have no hesitation in separating them. I am actually 'stealing' another members idea who put her hubbys ashes in a whiskey bottle and then some in some mini bottles for other members of the family. I am going to do the same as my hubby enjoyed his whiskey too. We drank plenty at his wake. But I feel good about it now as he wants a part of him too. So in the end he is wanted and that's the main thing. I have to remember it is not him, I have his spirit and soul inside me which is what counts.xx
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Permalink Reply by crying on -
Instead of spreading ashes all over the place, I am leaving a shirt of his and mine in places. We were talking about going to the grand canyon this year..didn't make it. One of my friends sons went there for vkay. I gave him a shirt of mine and my husbands. He some how climbed up in a tree and tied them together and took a picture at sunset. it is the most beautiful thing that has been done for me. Before he did that he placed the two shirts together to make a heart and sent me that picture also. The kid is only 22. I am crying even now as I write this as so many people loved my husband. It just isn't right or fair that he is gone at 47.
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Permalink Reply by Jackie (lvgma) on -
Danny and I never talked about what to do if the other one passes. We just never thought that far ahead, even though both of us had been widowed before and both were 62. When we married in 2000 after meeting a year before, and both being widowed, on our wedding day while we were dancing he said I promise you 30 years! Well he fell short a mere 19 1/2. I too, have his ashes. His son wanted me to put him in Fort Rosescrans, and tried to be very insistent about it. I said he is coming home with me and when i get ready then we will decide what to do with him. He sits on top of the bookcase with my son's ashes, and when I clean i go bye and rub each urn and say I love you. Sometimes I thin well he spend 21 yrs at sea, should I give him back to the ocean and then others say nope not ready to let you go. My son will sit there till his children our at age and then they can decide what to do with their father. Probably wondering why I have his ashes, he never married the mother and his children were only 11 and 12 when he passed. The mother probably would have left his somewhere cause she doesn't have her life together. I did have an urn made for the kids, but have heard that its gone. I am so glad I have him. Someday maybe all of this will make sense. Be kind to yourself and do whatever gives you some sort of peace.
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Permalink Reply by Lin on -
My husband's ashes are in a stainless box on top of my dresser. Three quarters of his ashes were spread at his favorite golf course in a prairie area close to the hole where he once scored an eagle....he would have loved that! I am thinking of getting 2 very small viles to put some ashes in so our sons can stick them deep into a golf bag pocket so he can always go golfing with them - something else he loved! I continue to look for a piece of jewelry but they all appear so thick and I don't care to have others know what is around my neck. I want him close to my heart but just can't find the right piece yet. Any one know of something that doesn't appear 1/4" thick?! Thanks!!
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Permalink Reply by Jordan on -
My John always said he wanted his ashes plowed into his garden. No money on a service, no fancy urn, just a little cardboard box to take him home in until it was time to turn the soil. I used to laugh about it. But 2 1/2 years ago, when we went to spend Christmas with his family at the other end of the U.S., I got him to repeat his wishes in front of his mother and sisters. He was very firm about it. He didn't want me wasting money on a burial plot or anything that wasn't absolutely necessary or required by law. Any money he left was to be used for me to spend on myself, or save. Of course at that time we didn't think any of this would matter for at least another 20 years. He was always so healthy and took such good care of himself.
Then 15 months ago, out of nowhere, a cancer diagnosis. Four months after that, he was gone. One of his sisters sat with me while I tried to explain to the nice lady at the funeral home that we didn't even want to look at their lovely urns, we just wanted the cheap little carboard box. She insisted that they didn't have cardboard boxes, but finally came up with a plastic box. I asked my sister-in-law later why she kept her head turned away. Was it too crass for her? No, she said, she was trying not to laugh. She knew how cheap her brother could be when he made up his mind, and she thought it was funny watching me, the extravagant one, bargaining for the cheapest services.
Yes, we take our laughs where we can get them these days. Funeral humor, burial humor, whatever.
So, now John has been sitting on a side table in the living room in his little plastic box for almost a year. Nobody had the heart to turn over the garden soil or plant anything this spring. August 27 will be the first anniversary of his death. Our son and his wife were over last weekend helping clear out some of the jungle that's trying to take over the back yard. I told them I thought it was time to do something about the ashes. The 27th is a Friday this year. On Saturday the 28th we'll have a small private gathering in the back yard and take care of John. I'm pretty sure this is illegal, but I'm not going to tell anyone if you don't. We'll only invite family and a few of John's very closest friends.
I'm also thinking it's going to be a rough day when we do this. Last year I was numb for about 3 months after John died. Someday I may look back and realize I was still in pretty bad shape right now. But I think I'm past the numb stage, and disposing of his ashes is going to be difficult for me. But I'm also feeling like it's time to let go, and I think this is the right thing to do now. Looking at some of the posts on here, though, I think I will hold back a tablespoon or so of his ashes. I think it would be nice to have them mingled with mine when the time comes. I think our son will like that too. He was always so proud that he still had both his original parents, still married to each other and living together, when almost everyone else he knew came from broken homes. I think he'll like knowing that some part of his parents will stay together. And I've already promised the kids that I want my ashes scattered in Hawaii, from the beach where my son proposed to his darling wife. This will give them another good reason to revisit some of their happiest memorites.
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