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I'm not part of a partnership anymore. We were shutting down our business and moving to a home we could afford. I lost Ken last month, the business will be shut down by the end of Juneand I move next week. I'm afraid of losing who I was and who we were together. I want to go on, but not move away from what we were together. Any advice or similar experiences?

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One of my widow friends told me, shortly after I was widowed, "Now you will find you." It is true, I was half of "Barb and Frank" for so long, it is hard being just me. But I am doing things I have always wanted to do and I think my husband would approve. I will always be half of us, but now just in my heart. The world sees just me. Always cherish who you were as a couple, no one can ever take that away from you. But be open to the new you.

Thanks for your comment, Barb...I was married to my best friend and soul mate, Bruce for nearly 34 years and you articulated exactly how I feel.

It is so strange being just me...I catch myself continually still saying "we" and have to catch myself and say "I mean I"...there are days that I am strong and very proud at what I am able to accomplish, i.e. basic home repairs, etc. Then there are those days, like yesterday, that I have a complete melt down and don't know how to live without him...evenings are the absolute worst as we always spent our evenings together, eating, watching TV, etc.

Thank you again...helps to hear that others share the same feelings / emotions.

Bob died 3 years ago and I still say "we". I feel like I live 2 different lives. During the day I attend activities and socialize. I live alone and I feel like I live in the past in the evening. We shared a good life and I think about things we did together. I still wear my wedding ring and I still feel married to Bob. At times it feels strange but at other times it seems normal. I guess it is my way of adjusting to my situation.
Thank you! I especially like what you said, I will always be a plus but now just in my heart. You're right. As much as I miss him, we will still be us in my heart!
My condolences on the loss of your husband. It's so recent, wondering how you are managing all of this so soon. It can't be easy for you.

It doesn't happen overnight, it's a subtle change. In the beginning, it's hard to even change "we" into "me" while engaging in conversation. I don't think I've become a different person, I have just gotten used to the fact that he is no longer with us. Don't like it, but I have accepted it.

I don't think you have to be afraid of losing who you were, Barb described it perfectly. We carry them in our hearts and they will always be a part of who we are, not were. I hope that makes sense to you, because I believe we are the sum of life's experiences. In the future, we are who we are now plus new experiences. Anyway, that is how I now view things after seven years, others may think differently. Our activities may change, you may even decide to date or remarry--but that part of you will always remain.
A part of me will be happy when everything is done, and another part of me fears not having anything big to occupy myself with. The business is shut down and I'm in my new home, although I have not yet had time to unpack. I love the thought that my life with Ken will be the foundation of anything I move towards.
To me that describes the heart of grieving. When Sharon died I felt like I'd been dropped into a foreign land in which I didn't fit. Being me hurt, changing who I was hurt, and every day I had to choose between the two. It was exhausting physically and emotionally. I wanted to live my life, but every step forward was a step away from Sharon.

My advice is go easy on yourself, give yourself the space to decide who you want to be, and to pay the price for those decisions.

It took a long time, and it cost a lot of pain, but I am enjoying my life.

Take care

Yes, every step forward feels like a step away, but the life I want is already gone from me. Acceptance is hard because it feels like letting go. You have described it well!

I can't disagree with a single thing here. I missed Judith's presence, looks, glances, hugs, advice, etc. I was afraid of being alone more than anything else--and yet I moved forward. My days were either ones of "resignation" or "acceptance". The former finally gave way to the latter. Many of my triggers began to fade. I know that something can (and probably will) happen--and whenever it does, I 'll deal with it.

I shall never forget, but after five years, I am "me" first, rather than the "surviving half" of the couple that once was. There is a difference.

I'm glad this thread was started. It's hard to describe this feeling to DGIs, but I know everyone here, while not necessarily thinking such things are possible (as I did once) at this given moment, either "gets it" now or will later on.

What is a DGI?

It stands for "Don't Get Its" ... those who have not lost their person (yet).

Well said vintage56,

There is a poem by e.e. Cummings entitled " I Carry Your Heart, I Carry You In my Heart," which I can relate to. 

I find that no matter where I am or where I go,  the part of him that cannot die stays with me.  I am nearly 2 1/2 years along and I still miss him and think of him all the time.  In essence, I carry his heart, I carry it in my heart.


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