I have been reading a book recently that triggered a memory of a conversation between Jerry and me. It was a very long time ago. I guess our age difference kind of forced us to have strange pillow talk...
Anyway, without all the back story, I asked him once if he died would he come back to me and let me know he's near. His answer was no. I felt hurt by that answer and pressed him as to why he wouldn't want me to feel his comfort. His answer was simply "Because I'd want you to move on and live." That is pretty much where that topic ended as it was obvious he didn't want it to go farther.
Remembering that conversation has left me feeling crushed this morning. He won't be back in any form. He's simply gone. As with a lot of you all, I lay in bed at night and beg both God and Jerry to allow me to feel his presence. I want to feel the comfort of him surrounding me. I need to feel it. I know Jerry if he says something he keeps his word. He's never lied to me, he has never changed his mind once it was made up. Jerry will not be back.
As I sit here spilling out my tears and heartache with you all, I am wondering if Jerry has given me a gift or a curse. I feel like he was selfish telling me he wouldn't come back, I need him. On the other hand, he's right. If I thought for a second he was close to me, I'd never move on. I'd be content knowing his spirit was with me. He knew it and so do I.
Until now, I'd been floating along thinking at some point I'd feel him. Maybe not until I really, really needed a hero but I just knew sooner or later I'd feel his presence and feel secure and loved again. It gave me hope, something to look forward too. I feel crushed after that memory filled me. I can even hear him saying that in my head. He won't be back at all. I'm on my own. Somehow, I've been transported to the feelings I had in the moments after he died.
Damn him for leaving me twice or thank him for allowing me to hope to carry on?
Oh Rainy. I am so sorry. Surely it's a gift right? You know Jerry wants you to go on. What if he had said nothing? Then that is really more anguish on top of grief. Can't get clearer than "Move on and Live." Praying for you to nurture your hope with his words.
(((Rainy))) he might surprise you and show up where you can feel him. I get what you are saying and took me a very long time to feel Jim close to me but I know he is there and that's okay. Do what you need to do that is best for you. Love, Hugs, and peace my friend.
Sorry you are mulling this over Rainy. I too go to sleep every night talking to Christy asking her to guide me or show me a sign she is still near or what I should be doing about several decisions in my life. I have not gotten any confirmation so I figure I must be doing okay. I think it is natural to want some type of sign. I have been visited by a lot of Cardinals and Downy Woodpeckers this winter, which she always really loved to see at our bird feeder, so I take those to be a positive sign.
Jerry would want you to be happy, don't get stuck on looking for one big overt sign, look for the little smiles and things that you fondly shared and carry on with your head up.
I think most all of us have or are experiencing your feelings. Susan and I talked about it during one of her many hospitalizations and we each agreed that should one of us pass before the other, that the survivor should grieve and then get on with their life and live that life to the fullest. Gal, I can tell you that it is far easier to talk about it when the two of you are sitting there talking, than it is when one is gone and there you sit adrift in a sea of pain that is nearly indescribable, loss, and insecurity. We were so naïve as we spoke those years ago. And, truth be told, as a "guy" I figured it would be me first so I'd not have anything to worry about and I would do all that I could to see that she was ok after me.
There is a place here in these forums that discusses situations where some of us have seen, or felt, and/or talked to our departed spouses. It happened for me about two years after Susan passed and I'll be happy to share it with you in an email. To properly describe the event would take more room than this site allows on these forums. Some folks do get satisfaction and some never do. Some folks say our minds are over active and in stress, and that we make it up, and others, such as myself, believe it's the Good Lord assuring us that Heaven exists, our spouse is in it, and everything is just fine.
Thank you, everyone, for your continued words of encouragement.
InsideLove, I sure I wish I knew how to moved forward. I feel stuck in a bog of grief. The good news is I'm determined to find my way.
Janet, I hope he does.
James, I'll look for the little things. Sometimes I think I've found one.
Frank, I sent you a friend request. I'd love to read your story. Also, Jerry used the word GAL often. Never knew anyone else who did until I met you. :)
I do this too! I had a crying (actually wailing fit) tonight praying for God and Doug to help me. Praying for him to come in a dream. Pray for him to give me strength and help me live with this emptiness. Wednesday I thought I got a sign. A van passed me with the word EPIC on the side. I'm sure that's a business I just haven't heard of but my screen name is EPIC because that's how Doug and I described our relationship. The tag line on the van "know the power of epic".
I'm sure that was a sign. I've been reading a book called God Winks, How the power of Coincidence Guides Your Life. It's a book that explains how to look for signs.
I have had dreams that Jerry was with me, last night I dreamt his daughter and I were talking about him like he was still here. Keep praying it helps me.