6 months ago I lost my husband. he died. I died. Who I was, I am no more. I was apart of something/someone else for over 35 years. I was Harvey and Sandra. That is no more. I don’t remember who Sandra, as an individual was. So therefore…who am I now? I really don’t know. I can use lots of adjectives to describe myself..broken, lonely, devastated…but I believe I will become more than that..won’t I?
I am currently in Prague visiting my son for a month. He works during the day, so I take lots of walks to entertain myself. There are tons of green spaces, so I have lately found myself making my way every morning to a park bench up the street.
Here I sit every day and watch the people and ponder this question of who I am or who am I becoming. During this time, I don’t look at my phone but just take in my surroundings. I’m happy it’s sunny, so my sunglasses hide the tears that constantly run down my cheeks. In the last 6 months I often have felt the loneliest when in a group of family or friends. For in those spaces I miss his presence so much. But sitting in this park, full of strangers, I don’t feel so alone. I notice the pigeons, ever searching for food. The little children playing. The young lovers strolling along. And I think, who will I become? It may seem like a silly thought, but as I said, 6 months ago the person I was died. In those last few hours of his life, I made all kinds of promises to his comatose body. Promises to be a better mother, daughter and friend. A better person in society. To try to fill the huge shoes he was leaving behind.
I realize now I may not fulfill those promises, and that’s ok. Because I must become me. Whoever that may be.
JaniceS-2 says
Posted on December 11, 2023 0
I know how you feel Sandra. I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband and I were always together at home and work for 20 years and 10 mos.
When he died I felt the same way. I felt so lost, I too felt I needed to find myself. January will be three years. I guess because everything happened during the COVID pandemic with the stay-at-home lockdown orders, I just got used to staying at home. I don’t remember who I was before him. My family has been very supportive, and I try to act happy, especially during the holidays. I’m still, trying to find me. I hope in your journey you find peace and happiness within.
DinoD says
Posted on October 27, 2023 0
I can relate to what you are describing. I also lost my dear wife Lina of 56 years on Oct 31, 2022. We did everything together. I find myself crying often at things that remind me of my dear Lina.
Would appreciate suggestions that could help me. Thanks for taking the time.
CynBon says
Posted on October 21, 2023 0
Everything I really enjoyed, I enjoyed with him. Now, it’s just me. I don’t see the point of even turning on the television. I’m only two weeks into this but it’s really hard to see the future. I take my cat outside every morning just like before, but now I just stare into space. It seems odd that the birds are still flying, singing. Clouds still rolling in from the south. Because to me everything has changed. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.
I feel like if we keep coming here to the pages maybe some sort of wisdom will arise. I’m going to buy every book recommended in these pages. I want one of them to finally help.
olenka says
Posted on October 2, 2023 0
Dear Sandra,
I lost my husband on August 17 in Prague. Since 2019 we have been snowbirds between Prague and Florida. We lived together for 23 years and I was hoping for at least ten years more. He was absolutely everything to me and like you, I feel walking dead myself. Unfortunately walking doesn’t help me because all the beautiful places around remind me of us, walking together.
I am going to stay in our Prague apartment until mid-October so if you would like to meet, please send me a note on WhatsApp. My phone is +1.212.410.3806.
Hugs,
Olga Kaplan
SandraN says
Posted on October 4, 2023 0
Thank you for the offer. I am back in Canada now. I understand what you mean about everything they’re reminding you of him. We lived the last 3 years in Mexico and I can not imagine ever going back to that town. We travelled together in 2019 to Prague, however it was a short trip, so the memories were not so sharp. I think I need to find new places to go and create new memories for just me.
LissaH says
Posted on September 19, 2023 0
Sandra, ((hugs)) It is really hard. I feel very lost and empty much of the time. I am 5 months out from the loss of my husband. I am trying hard to get involved in some things that have interested me in the past. I found a local hiking group and went hiking. I also went oil painting with a group I know, first time since J.C. died. I have plans to visit a friend next month, I’ll take part in a painting event, and another travel is planned in November. Even though I feel like crying- and do cry -at least I am getting out. I’m slightly less alone and there are other things to focus on.
For me it is just one thing at a time. Baby steps to a different me. My husband was so positive and full of enthusiasm. He didn’t let things get him down- he came close to death years ago- that just colored his view of life and the world around him. I admired that in him so much! So I am trying to find little things to be grateful for every day. Last night I slept 8 hours. Today my dogs were happy on our walk. Today is the Zoom call. Today I am ok. A pretty bird. A dog hug. Just getting through a day.
Huge shoes, yes, J.C. had them too. I’m sorry for your loss. It is huge. I was with my husband 20 years.
I really think you’ll find a new self and at least know that you are not alone.
Lissa H.
JohnH-2 says
Posted on September 15, 2023 0
I appreciate your post and I am sorry about the loss of your husband. My wife of more than 41 years died 3 months ago of an undiagnosed aggressive lymphoma. I too feel lost much of time and am finding it quite hard to find the “me” from what was “we”. I found one book in particular to be especially helpful: “When Your Soulmate Dies” by Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D. Best I’ve found.
LissaH says
Posted on September 19, 2023 0
I agree, that is a very good book.
LissaH says
Posted on September 19, 2023 0
gosh, JohnH, that is so recent. I am sorry for your loss. My husband died 5 months ago after 3 weeks in ICU with Covid. I guess I have adjusted a little bit. I don’t have high expectations of myself still, but at three months it was a struggle just to function. I wish you well, ((hugs)).
DavidS says
Posted on September 15, 2023 0
I think everyone here understands what you are talking about.
The central pillar of your world is gone, and the purpose and meaning that rested on it has tumbled down.
Unasked for, you have a new life.
What now?