Does anyone get tired of hearing the I am so sorry's? I remember thinking the first time people knew I was a widow and if they DIDNT say sorry for your loss I got upset and judgy. Now I am so tired of hearing it. So on here, if you see this and decide to respond to me don't bother with the sorrys. I KNOW how sorry you are and I don't want you to waste your precious energy on saying it to me ever.
Please don't judge me if I skip the I am sorrys as well. My heart is in it but my words are hard to convey.
I am over 7 yr out and I never get tired of hearing people say they are sorry because I believe for them it is a way to tell me what their heart feels but words cannot express. I welcome it and any comforting words I hear that remind me others do care. It is important to have a human connection to the living to cushion this pain that never ends. Likewise when people ask me how I am doing....I know they care...so I answer with the reminder....well, I am still a widow. We are imperfect...each of us...I try to remember everyone has different qualities and if others bumble and are not saying or doing as I would like them to do...it's up to me to cut them some slack and to be kind. What goes around comes around sooner or later. They do not know and they do not understand nor are they gracious and knowing in what they ask or say....my being irritated with them or upset by their words does nothing to heal the pain. Ah, but kindness and acceptance heals so I thank them, each one for whatever they offer. Even the ones who tell me what I should be doing now...I used to argue and get upset and angry...now I listen and just tell them I may consider what they've said....brings peace. Deep abiding love for my husband is not altered by others or their words or lack of words. It is in another dimension far apart from worldly error and judgement...and so my soul says All is well.
Wow. This is beautifully, honestly, and kindly written. I'm only 6 months out, I have major meltdowns and lapses in judgement and horrible moments and deep depression and irrational thoughts and fatigue and forgetfulness and on and on and on, so I don't always respond graciously, but I do try. In my heart I know that you are right and this is the best way. Thank you for this
MrsHill2015 You are welcome. Your grief is very fresh and piercing and painful and you have every right to your feelings, takes a lot of time to realize being angry with others because of what they say or do only makes you exhausted and more annoyed. The amount of time needed varies but eventually though the pain never leaves you begin to find your emotions expressed can really leave you frantic and exhausted...and nothing you can do or say can change the truth. We will all die. Some sooner. Some later. And life is NOT fair and yes it does seem the good die young and the evil , nasty , hateful seem to be here a long time. Even our own mortality becomes an issue as we age. There are no definitive answers and no quick fixes. One step at a time one day at a time and the very steps we take forge to make our journey's pathway. Listen to the love in your heart based on sweet memories and even in your widowhood remind yourself love is always the answer. If you are not ready to accept that fact it's OK. Pain rules right now but it won't forever...
Love IS always the answer!
Your words are so true. I constantly ask why him, the best father and husband, just trying to do whats right. And there are seemingly hateful, evil people out here living until they are 100. I don't get it.
I was tired of it less than 24 hours in. What the heck am I supposed to say back? "Um, me too?" "Thank you?" It's sort of a weird thing to say, when you think about it. I most appreciated my sister-in-law, also a widow, saying "This sucks. And it's going to keep sucking for awhile." That's what I really remember from that first evening/night.
Yes, Queen beez, I am sick of hearing the typical - I'm sorry - He's in a better place - God needed him more - It'll take time - He would want you to be happy - Be strong. Strong? Really? I think people want to say the right things but their words, though well-meant, are more "expected" social reactions to offer to the person grieving.
One thing that has got to me, this grieving has taught me to be more mindful of what I say to others when they experience stress.
My mother-in-law is really grieving. The other day, she ended a phone call abruptly when a relative told her the same old bullshit. The old lady had enough.
I lost hubby on Dec 12 and the grief is still raw and suddenly overwhelming. I know the commonsense of life continuing but nothing anyone says actually eases the pain. However, the interaction of like-minded people (like everyone on WV) does offer me an underlying sense of inclusion and warmth. Like responding here, it helps.