A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
I am 47 years old and I've been widowed for a little over two and a half years. I met a great guy (also 47) through friends 3 months ago and we have been dating exclusively. Now that I'm really starting to have feelings for him I'm suddenly scared out of my mind. I'm not afraid of him dieing. I'm afraid of him dumping me! He hasn't given me any indication that he he's not interested but none the less I'm anxious and almost sick.
I keep thinking about how nice it was knowing that my husband would never leave me and the security that the relationship had. I look at this great guy and wish for the same thing and fear that he won't love me. I feel needy, vulnerable and very unconfident. All things I haven't felt since I was in my twenties! I long for him to tell me that he loves me and isn't going anywhere and yet I know that it is way too soon to throw words around. Taking our time to get to know each other and grow together is obviously the answer and yet I am paralyzed with fear that this may not work out and I'll be all alone again. The time we have spent together has made me happy again and I am so afraid of losing it.
Please help and give advice!
Hi nature girl, I really can't offer any advice 7 months and 20 days out. I would suggest to just enjoy the relationship for what it is. If it is meant to be it will be otherwise continue to live and experience life to the fullest.
Hugs and wishing you the best.
Thanks Janet. I agree at 7 months you are coming out of the fog. Please take your time and take care of your own needs. It is a long journey but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and healing is possible.
I have been widowed 8 years and would like to at least have an occasional dinner companion but I have such trust issues because the nature of my marriage that I probably cheat myself out of a good man ...
oh Honey... I think this is normal. Try to remember that you were OK before you met him... try to remind yourself you will be OK if you ever break up. And try to remind yourself if it does happen? It will NEVER be as bad as loosing him to death. Then breathe...just breathe... calm yourself and enjoy the courtship. Enjoy Him. You are beautiful with or without him and you deserve to love yourself first... stand up.. smile... baby steps through this too. OK... sounds good, doesn't it? You are blessed.. love this time with him, enjoy it. ((hugs)) Good luck and have a great weekend. Have FUN... it's what we're here for. :)
The security of knowing he'll never leave you is priceless... but the courtship can be exciting. Have fun.. don't worry about the future, we may not get that far. have fun today. Don't worry about tomorrow.
Thankyou for your wonderful reply. I spent the two and a half years after Mark's death doing everything possible to recover. Counseling, volunteer work, the gym, cooking, hiking, support groups. I cried. I rested. I cried some more. I journaled. I've read every book out there. I lived death for a long time. I did the work necessary to love me and and love life.
When I finally decided it was time to step out of my grief comfort zone and push myself into the uncomfortable single world of dating I found it paralyzing. Thank god this wonderful man walked into my life without even looking for him.
I worked myself into a frenzy of what if's yesterday and felt like I had taken ten steps backwards. So off to yoga and 9 miles on the stationary cycle and I got my mojo back.
I am a new better person since my husband died. Grief does that to you. I get life now. I look to the future as an opportunity to grow and be a better person. You are so right when you mention having gone through the worst. Nothing will ever be as devastating as losing my Mark. His death was in an accident without any preparation so my grief was somewhat complicated. Suicide seemed my best option if it were not for my kids. I have come such a very long way.
Long story short my sweet new man sent me a lovely text wishing he could spend time with me soon. I am going to breathe slow. I will take your advice and enjoy the romance. Enjoy the holding and touching and loving that slows the anxiety and soothes the loneliness.
thankyou so much for bringing me back to reality. I can do this!
He is probably just as scared as you are...maybe not about being dumped, but perhaps not meeting up to your dearly beloved husband's qualities and character. I would suggest that you just relax, take your time getting to know each other, enjoy your time in the new world of dating, and let "nature" take its course. Best wishes for a happy and loving future with someone who loves you to the moon and back.
You know I think you're right! He asked me if I would have ever seen my marraige ending if he were still alive? I told him no we were very in love! I'm sure that is hard for him to hear since his wife left him.
He does seem to be very confident and self assured. I don't compare him to my husband and find them both very different. I like how diiferent they are in fact.
I am greatful that I am past the point of actively grieving. My grief now is occasional and more controlled. I'm not in the sunami stage anymore and therefore maintaining a relationship is refreshing and helps soothe the emptiness.