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Hugs Kirstin,

When my wife and I were dating we lived more than 4 hours apart.  True we were young and didn't have the tail of our lives in tow.  Either way why would distance be an issue?  Best to have those second thoughts now.

Sorry it couldn't be better for you.

Dear smp1122, maybe your husband is looking over you. Enjoy your life and you should not feel guilty for being happy. My wife had a friend that I liked as a person. I would date her today if that were possible. She is the only person that I know that I would date at this point in time.

The reason is very basic, she is a lot like my wife................

I decided to stay celebate for a year out of respect for my wife.    I don't think there is any correct time to start a new relationship though.   Some people on the boards have decided not to be in another relationship, others just waited a few months.    As for me, I'm trying to open up to dating.  I've gotten stood up once, and we'll see how it goes in the future.  

Thank you david1980.  I have continued in this relationship so it's been about 2 months now.  It feels very real and it makes me very happy but as it has continued to deepen my family has become polarized. Parts of my family have realized they have not dealt with Gary's death and this relationship is forcing them too and they are not taking it very well.  I am trying to be sympathetic and at the same time insist that my journey is mine.  The real hard part is that I end up defending or fighting for a relationship that is very new and very well may or may not be long term.  It's silly.  I just wanna let everything take its course but it's not going that way. 

Now I am coming up on the first anniversary of my husband's passing and nerves, stress and emotions are so high. Some days I just wish I could check out....I long for peace.

smp1122 I wish I could count how many times that I felt polarized in widowhood. Also I have seen others around me polarized in different ways. I think widows finds themselves in these situations often. One example I was talking with a lady who was a pharmacist. A neighbor I think was even trying to aid in this friendship. She is very pretty and always nice to me, but the hurt of not accepting my wife's death polarizes me. I knew at that time she would probably have went out on a friend type of basis.
One thing I would have an easier time, if I liked the lady, to date if she would have known my wife. I would have more healing room to discuss her, and the other person would know she was a loving person. That would make a huge difference.
So if you are happy and feel comfortable with the individual, I would suggest keep working with the situation.

My Wayne passed 2.5 years ago! Before he died he told me he wanted me to "find somebody else" the idea of someone else is very hard for me... I have it in my mind that dating would be ok... I just don't / can't get around to actually doing anything about it! When anyone shows any interest in me - I feel the brick walls falling down around me!

I've learned a fair amount about men and people in general during this time- I guess I'm in sort of if in a limbo!
I never dated much ever before so it do have a lot to learn I think! One is that there are men "out there" who don't exactly have my best interest at heart. Actually who would have my best interest? only me or my daughters, my parents, brother or my late husband! So, it would be hard to trust a man again(for me)
Also there are men who are "players"! I never even knew what that word meant before - I married Wayne at 21! I've been reading a fair bit about men- and the possibility of accidentally dating a man who is a player - or one who would treat me poorly is not a happy thought! Maybe I've been thinking too much?

Hi Diane,

Now I wish we had time to chat at camp, it feels like there's a lot I could have learned from you and some of my thoughts would have been good bouncing off of you.  You comments about not all men having your best interests at heart has been echo'd to me from the other side as well, sad the world is this way.  There's words we may have encountered that describe them, players, gold-diggers, and so on.

From what david1980 and Lupes Husband have described both here and in a separate thread, I wonder if the safest companions, strange as it may seem are other widowed.  Many of us were in long lasting relationships, and casting my gaze to high school and collage peers, many of their marriages did not.  But then if all we want is surety, maybe never looking is the safest.

I read a book (one I could not stop reading actually, and that's a surprise) named "Happily Even After" by Carole Brody Fleet.  She discusses dating and having to throw them back, for many reasons.  She runs Widows Wear Stilettos, where I believe Michele was for a period.

Even our own dear Michele used eHarmony and look who she got, Micheal.  I envy him :)

I was fortunate enough to attend two workshops that covered this area to a some degree.  The widowers workshop run by Arnie, where we grabbed Michael when he came to take pictures to tell us about marrying a widow.  There was great advice there on needing to allow for that persons grief to express itself.  I could try to put it how he did but might munch it wrong, but I'll try...  Michele needs her two weeks of the year for Phil, but I have her for the remaining 50.  That is worth it to me.

I also took Michele's workshop, what the Grinch taught me about love.  While we didn't go into eDating she did mention that's how she met Michele.  And that it took a while and even after they met it took a while, hear a theme here?  We are exposing ourselves again, and it can hurt.  That's why I like the Song Try by P!nk so much.

And one more thing as I bent everyone's ear way to much here, I'm sadly (why is everything so sad now?) finding that even family doesn't always have our best interests at heart.  Sigh...


Hi Dave,

 I'm so glad you were at camp and that we did get to meet! And yes, a face to face discussion on this topic is a great idea!  I agree with everything you stated above, especially about how lucky Michele and Michael are and that they did take a risk and it turned out very very well!  Also, yes, even our own families, more to the point, my late husband's family, don't always have my best interest at heart. -- A Story for another time...  It's funny, but even after 2.5 years, I feel no more ready to date than I did at 6 months...   Carole Brody Fleet (I've met her at previous camp widows, she's lovely!)  she sometimes runs at Dating Workshop at Camp Widow too!  I need to read her book..  I'm reading another author now, whom I do recommend, Judith Sills. She wrote "Getting Naked Again"  Yikes!  Bit of a scary title, eh?  

It is exposing yourself to the nth degree. I started dating after a little over two years. I had a lot of first dates, a few that led to second dates and some third. I ended them all, not because they were all terrible but there was just no connection. It truly is a numbers game, like looking for a job in a bad economy. My problem is I have a true fear of rejection and so, this was very hard for me. For the record I had one date with eHarmony after 6 months on there and it was a widower. It did not go well at all. So poorly in fact that I put my wedding ring back on and said no mas. Well, that week a man who I had met two years earlier at my Volvo dealership asked if he could call me and I said yes. I would say the rest is history, but we are still making history over two years later. Now, you may think easy peazy lemon squeezy. No, this is where the REAL exposure happens. I am 59 he is 64. That is over 120 years of experience. This is NOT like our 20's at all. I really had to remind myself that I am dating a man with a fully formed personality that is not likely to change. He in turn had to learn that I was not his crazy ex wife. We moved soooooooo slow. I was so closed off to him, I was so afraid to give my heart. Not that this relationship was hard in anyway. In fact I really felt I met someone I could be me with. He felt the same. We just had both been hurt. Different ways but still hurt I was terrified. I also, let other people get in my head. A lot of people think that it is going to be like either their good lost thru death marriage or better then there crappy divorce marriage. Truth is ,you don't know what it is going to be like. I don't see us getting married frankly.  Gradually, we both opened up. It took over a year to say I love you. He said it first. He is not seeing anyone else, neither am I. I know that he enjoys being able to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and not be nagged. I kind of like my alone time and not having someone tell me what to do. So far this works. Maybe when we are really old we will get married. He makes me very happy. He does not replace my husband but he has started to fill in the parts that I was missing. It sounds more complicated than it is, but it's not really. 

Just read this - thanks for posting - it is reassuring - I get so confused - I loved (love) my husband so very much - I feel like taking my rings off is nagging that love some how.  I know it's not -  on the other hand I feel like keeping them on is holding on to something I know longer have and I can never get back - thinking about just moving them to my pinky . they are very small rings - no major diamond - that's what I love about them and always have -it is a reminder that materials things are not what is in important - a big flashy diamond is not what is important - I have always cherished the fact that Bruce completely surprised me when he asked me to marry him and had the ring - it was what he could afford and to this day LOVE IT. 

I keep thinking about moving it but it is such a battle in my head.

'Happily Even After' and 'Getting Naked Again' are both great books and I have read them both. Need to get my 'Happily Even After' back from a friend. Another good book is Pain is inevitable but MISERY IS OPTIONAL so, Stick a Geranium in Your Hart and Be Happy!' by Barbara Johnson.

Diane, I share your thoughts on your post. There are a lot of complexities to each person's life with this topic. In my nine years of being widowed I notice a simple way of generalizing my life style. For myself it has been polarizing and what-to-do-next styles of living that I continuing have to work through. However, I have done fairly well with it.
There seems to be the trust factors mixed in the situations, also persists. One widowed individual who was constantly dating informed me that he felt that a lot of people with failed relationships act out on the widowed. At least that is what he had experienced.
I notice in the widows that I know they all seem to be in a lonely trauma of a need for a rescue. This it not co-dependence, but a internal hollering of conscience / sub-conscience of the void they have been unwillingly spun into. I admire your carefulness, because I have seen some fall into a trap trying to fill this void. Although some people find their second love and if you do [email protected] Bless You.


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