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Okay, for those of you who have "been there, done that" Please help me out here! I started dating soon after Jimmy died. I was crazy nuts at home alone, got on POF etc. Okay. That was at the end of 2009. I "met" Gary on POF. We emailed off and on while I was having dates with other possibles. Finally, in June 2010 we started proper dating - weekly. Gary is a mama's boy, 59, never been married, sweet man, loving, kind, etc. BUT he is very reclusive and refuses to meet my family or my friends. I go to HIS house on weekends, have met his mother and his sister, was even with him at the hospital when his dad died in November, the day after MY birthday! I love this man, but I cannot live a life like this!! I want to do things with him and MY family and friends too. I'm tired of sitting home and watching movies. I'm tired of having to plead with him and wait eons for him to make a decision on whether or not we attend a sporting event. So, this morning I called him and told him I want a month-long break - that we both need to think about this relationship and where is it going or not going. I just cannot continue to do all the giving - I hate it. BUT, if I end it with him, I'll be back to being alone again. That was not a fun time - it was lonely after Jimmy died. I sincerely would like several responses - please give me some feedback. What would YOU do in my situation? Thanks.
Oooo. I went through this. Your situation sounds so close what was going on with me. Then I realized actually, I'm allowing this behavior toward me that I don't like. We broke up, but it was very ugly. I really should've listened to my gut feelings.
Its harder to leave the longer you stay. If you are getting red flags...listen to them! I continued to get sucked into his world everytime. It is now a good learning tool for me. What did he do, What gives him the right to do this that I don't like, most importantly, why did I allow it to happen. How am I going to be sure I don't allow it to happen again.
Hard questions to ask oneself!
I refuse to get into an abusive relationship again. My second marriage was abusive and I was only there to have the children and keep house. I know it took me 10 years to get out and I swore that I would never let myself get back there again.
I have learned the signals now and won't go that road again. If it doesn't feel right to me I am out of there like a shot.
Very hard questions to ask yourself, but only you can answer them.
Oh honey... I'm so sorry to hear about your quandry! I was married the first-time for 12 years when my ex decided he didn't want to be married anymore. It was during my newly-found independence that my counselor quite plainly made me realize that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. From that point on, I finally realized that I was worth better... I knew that I was worth someone who would make an effort to be with ME. And I found him! I found the love of my life, and had 14 fantastic months with my soul mate before he passed away. (BTW: we met on Match!) It was like the whole world finally made sense! It's been just over two years since I lost my John, and I've been feeling very lonely. I thought - well, if I'm not going to "settle" any more, then anyone other than my John would be "settling." However, after Camp Widow this past weekend, I had my aha-moment: No one will ever compare to my John; but I can choose to make room for someone else in my life who's worthy of my love! (I dunno if that makes sense, but it works in "sarah-speak!") :D Whether or not you care for this person, he obviously isn't giving anything of himself to be with you. You deserve someone who is willing-- you are worth so much more than a long-distance plan girlfriend! You are beautiful and have been through more than a lot of people. Don't sell yourself short!
Well, Im a newbe to this my husband died 6 days ago. But, I would rather be alone than to have to put up with someone who would do that to me (my opinion).
I know or maybe I am wrong about me thinking I will NEVER find anyone to be as good to me as Charles was. But I wont accept anything less than the way I was treated by him. However, I know I am not ready to date yet its not even a question I have asked myself since Charles passing. I really dont see it down the line.
I think you sorta answered your own question by saying you cannot live like this. You deserve more if you are lonely in the process of finding your happiness oh well at least you wont be upset like this also.
Take care hope everything works out.
Go back on POF. Dating is what we do to find someone we want to spend our lives with. It takes time with each to know when you are sure. Dating is good, breaking up is good, it is not bad. Doesn't mean he was a bad person or you him it just means, it wasn't right. Make dating a fun thing, enjoy people you meet, relax in it, don't be so urgent to "not be alone" but more urgent to go out date many and in that process, he will come along and you were not lonely in the process. Ater you date enough, you will find times you want to be alone and enjoy it. It took me about 3 years to get to that place and I Thank God for the internet dating sites and the good men I met there. Ones that knew I was no where near ready to be serious with anyone even though I pushed the issue.
None of this means I was stupid or immature but just that I followed a process I came up with to put one foot in front of the other and live. The process where I found out who I was without my spouse of 29 years. The process where I learned to say, "me' instead of "we".
Date, enjoy it, don't get discouraged.
I loved who I was when I got to a place where I firmly said and felt, "I will live alone before I live miserably or unhappy."
Hope this helped. BTW, I have been a widow for 5.5 years and started dating within the first year of being a widow.
I have been in 4 serious relationships and I spent a full year my third year as a widow, dating off and on, different guys I met on the internet, determined I would go one full year without getting seriously involved. I needed to know who I was and what I wanted. I am currently dating a guy, I have been with for a full year. He is awesome, sweet had some things I don't like but if he didn't he would be weird, lol. I am enjoying life with him. I miss my late spouse every once in a while, just a fleeting moment of missing him but I am enjoying life.
Carol in Ga, Thanks for what you said because I can fully identify with your "Process." I'm 3 years into widowhood with the 3rd anniversay coming up on 11/25. I've decided it's time to get comfortable with "me" instead of "we." I'm using the onnline dating sites as well but taking my time. I have started participating in meetup groups which I've found enjoyable. I joined a movie meetup group and we get together and go to dinner and a movie. Also, just joined a travel group and looking forward to meeting some prospective travel buddies. I don't have any widowed friends in my immediate circle of friends. I'm getting more and more tired of hanging out with couples all the time. I am starting to accept my life as a single woman and I'm glad that there are others who have come through this awful experience and have begun to reinvent themselves. Wishing you all the best.
I met some really nice guys on POF and like you could/can not afford Match.com.
The man I am seeing now is a widower introduced to me by friends of ours. When it is the right person and the right time, you both will feel it.
I hate to say this but sounds like you would be better off alone again then with Gary. I have learned in the last 4 years, since my husbands death, that my timing isn't God's!!