Dating question! Feedback, please!

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Permalink Reply by Runnergirl on May 1, 2011 at 10:06am

I'm glad to see you've grown from it. I don't think anything is wasted if we learn from it or if it has given us an opportunity to be of service to others in some way. Being content to be alone is the BIG challenge. Let's encourage each other. At times I think I've made it but something will come up to destroy that thought. This widow thing is a roller coaster. I'm almost afraid at times to enjoy the peace but I know down the road the grieving gremlin will pop its head and I'm down in the dumps again. But someone told me if he hadn't been that special to me, I wouldn't ever be in the dumps. So there you go. I'm learning not to fight it but walk, even wallow  (sp?) in the loneliness. A counselor said you have to go through the pain to get to the healing. Lately I've really been in the pain but I think its letting up some. Take care and write back!

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Permalink Reply by Kim on May 17, 2011 at 1:29pm

Ok, I just read this thread and i wanted to mention what happened to me.  Going on 4 years now, of being a widow. I decided to date right after he died because I didnt want to be alone. I got on POF and I met someone who was abusive to me. Never in my life was I physcially abused.  It took a toll on me.. I then entered into another relationship and that became emotionally abusive and followed with someone who verbally abused me.. I gave myself some time off from the dating world because never in my life had I encompassed something like this.  My husband was a loving giving man and to find men of the opposite I became emotionally unstable. I am doing very well now with the help I had encountered from counseling.  I started to date again and I met someone that I met right after Nick died that was a geniune person but that had issues of his own.. Right we are still together but he's going through some rough patches as he is divorced and with children. He lost his job due to an injury on the job.. He was on workman's comp and lost that due to a 2nd opinion that said he could go back to work doing what he did but in fact he cant.  And that's got me down.  Not sure where that is going to lead. I joined this group for support because being a widow and knowing there are others out there like me in the sense of being a widow/widower.  I do hope that things pan out and if they dont I hope god will guide me in the right direction as I believe no one should spend the rest of their lives alone.  I have been thinking more and more of my deceased husband lately wondering why he was taken at such a young age.  Anyway, thanks for listening. I dont mean to vent.

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Permalink Reply by Kim on May 20, 2011 at 5:05pm

Hi Emanon, It's a amazing how some people look on where you live.. I have come across this myself. I own a big home and most look at it as she's got money which I don't. They think widow and money and that is wrong. I don't care what you live in as long as you have a heart.. That's my philosphy. I wish you well and you are blessed to have children.. And anyone who doesnt agree that you should split yourself between them and your children is not worth seeing.. I have a friend who shares his children with me when he can.. He does not have custody of them but at least when he sees them I am part of it.. I don't have a problem with a person having children.. Glad you are fine.

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Permalink Reply by Robinak on May 27, 2011 at 3:07pm

Oooo.  I went through this.  Your situation sounds so close what was going on with me.  Then I realized actually, I'm allowing this behavior toward me that I don't like.  We broke up, but it was very ugly.  I really should've listened to my gut feelings. 

Its harder to leave the longer you stay.  If you are getting red flags...listen to them!  I continued to get sucked into his world everytime.  It is now a good learning tool for me.  What did he do, What gives him the right to do this that I don't like, most importantly, why did I allow it to happen.   How am I going to be sure I don't allow it to happen again. 

Hard questions to ask oneself!

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Permalink Reply by Dawn- Clouds Mum on May 28, 2011 at 5:08am

I refuse to get into an abusive relationship again. My second marriage was abusive and I was only there to have the children and keep house. I know it took me 10 years to get out and I swore that I would never let myself get back there again.

I have learned the signals now and won't go that road again. If it doesn't feel right to me I am out of there like a shot.

Very hard questions to ask yourself, but only you can answer them.

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Permalink Reply by slimjim on June 8, 2011 at 6:11am

To the curb with this guy. You won't be alone long, your too pretty for that to happen. Besides, being alone has its moments too. I often just walk outside and pee off the deck, or I fart at will, or I eat all the good stuff. When I'm with someone I always need to watch my P's and Q's. I know "lonely" hon, its been sitting on my heart for five years now. Its there when I awake and there when I go to bed. Your current guy sounds like you'd still be lonely after awhile if you stay with him. Like I said, your too darn pretty to let that happen. Jim

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Permalink Reply by canada widow on June 13, 2011 at 3:23pm

After compromising for 25 years in a good marriage...I am not willing to "settle" for just company.  I have so many things that I want to still do being mobile and young enough, it is nice to have company, but they do not have to be all and end all.  For me I may have a partner but also friends and not expect them to do everything with me...

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Permalink Reply by Sarahndipity on August 20, 2011 at 1:37am

Oh honey... I'm so sorry to hear about your quandry! I was married the first-time for 12 years when my ex decided he didn't want to be married anymore. It was during my newly-found independence that my counselor quite plainly made me realize that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. From that point on, I finally realized that I was worth better... I knew that I was worth someone who would make an effort to be with ME. And I found him! I found the love of my life, and had 14 fantastic months with my soul mate before he passed away. (BTW: we met on Match!) It was like the whole world finally made sense! It's been just over two years since I lost my John, and I've been feeling very lonely. I thought - well, if I'm not going to "settle" any more, then anyone other than my John would be "settling." However, after Camp Widow this past weekend, I had my aha-moment: No one will ever compare to my John; but I can choose to make room for someone else in my life who's worthy of my love! (I dunno if that makes sense, but it works in "sarah-speak!") :D  Whether or not you care for this person, he obviously isn't giving anything of himself to be with you. You deserve someone who is willing-- you are worth so much more than a long-distance plan girlfriend! You are beautiful and have been through more than a lot of people. Don't sell yourself short!

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Permalink Reply by Roseann on November 6, 2011 at 3:30pm

Well, Im a newbe to this my husband died 6 days ago. But, I would rather be alone than to have to put up with someone who would do that to me (my opinion).

I know or maybe I am wrong about me thinking I will NEVER find anyone to be as good to me as Charles was. But I wont accept anything less than the way I was treated by him. However, I know I am not ready to date yet its not even a question I have asked myself since Charles passing. I really dont see it down the line.

I think you sorta answered your own question by saying you cannot live like this. You deserve more if you are lonely in the process of finding your happiness oh well at least you wont be upset like this also.

Take care hope everything works out.

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Permalink Reply by Carol in GA on November 17, 2011 at 8:28pm

Go back on POF.  Dating is what we do to find someone we want to spend our lives with.  It takes time with each to know when you are sure.  Dating is good, breaking up is good, it is not bad.  Doesn't mean he was a bad person or you him it just means, it wasn't right.  Make dating a fun thing, enjoy people you meet, relax in it, don't be so urgent to "not be alone" but more urgent to go out date many and in that process, he will come along and you were not lonely in the process.  Ater you date enough, you will find times you want to be alone and enjoy it.  It took me about 3 years to get to that place and I Thank God for the internet dating sites and the good men I met there.  Ones that knew I was no where near ready to be serious with anyone even though I pushed the issue. 

None of this means I was stupid or immature but just that I followed a process I came up with to put one foot in front of the other and live.  The process where I found out who I was without my spouse of 29 years.  The process where I learned to say, "me' instead of "we". 

Date, enjoy it, don't get discouraged.

I loved who I was when I got to a place where I firmly said and felt, "I will live alone before I live miserably or unhappy."

Hope this helped.  BTW, I have been a widow for 5.5 years and started dating within the first year of being a widow.

I have been in 4 serious relationships and I spent a full year my third year as a widow, dating off and on, different guys I met on the internet, determined I would go one full year without getting seriously involved.  I needed to know who I was and what I wanted.  I am currently dating a guy, I have been with for a full year.  He is awesome, sweet had some things I don't like but if he didn't he would be weird, lol.  I am enjoying life with him.  I miss my late spouse every once in a while, just a fleeting moment of missing him but I am enjoying life.

Carol

 

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Permalink Reply by travelingirl on November 18, 2011 at 11:54am

Carol in Ga, Thanks for what you said because I can fully identify with your "Process."  I'm 3 years into widowhood with the 3rd anniversay coming up on 11/25.  I've decided it's time to get comfortable with "me" instead of "we."  I'm using the onnline dating sites as well but taking my time.  I have started participating in meetup groups which I've found enjoyable. I joined a movie meetup group and we get together and go to dinner and a movie. Also, just joined a travel group and looking forward to meeting some prospective travel buddies.  I don't have any widowed friends in my immediate circle of friends. I'm getting more and more tired of hanging out with couples all the time.  I am starting to accept my life as a single woman and I'm glad that there are others who have come through this awful experience and have begun to reinvent themselves. Wishing you all the best.

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Permalink Reply by liveoakgal on December 16, 2011 at 3:12pm

 I met some really nice guys on POF and like you could/can not afford Match.com.

The man I am seeing now is a widower introduced to me by friends of ours. When it is the right person and the right time, you both will feel it.

I hate to say this but sounds like you would be better off alone again then with Gary. I have learned in the last 4 years, since my husbands death, that my timing isn't God's!!

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