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Dating question! Feedback, please!
Okay, for those of you who have "been there, done that" Please help me out here! I started dating soon after Jimmy died. I was crazy nuts at home alone, got on POF etc. Okay. That was at the end of 2009. I "met" Gary on POF. We emailed off and on while I was having dates with other possibles. Finally, in June 2010 we started proper dating - weekly. Gary is a mama's boy, 59, never been married, sweet man, loving, kind, etc. BUT he is very reclusive and refuses to meet my family or my friends. I go to HIS house on weekends, have met his mother and his sister, was even with him at the hospital when his dad died in November, the day after MY birthday! I love this man, but I cannot live a life like this!! I want to do things with him and MY family and friends too. I'm tired of sitting home and watching movies. I'm tired of having to plead with him and wait eons for him to make a decision on whether or not we attend a sporting event. So, this morning I called him and told him I want a month-long break - that we both need to think about this relationship and where is it going or not going. I just cannot continue to do all the giving - I hate it. BUT, if I end it with him, I'll be back to being alone again. That was not a fun time - it was lonely after Jimmy died. I sincerely would like several responses - please give me some feedback. What would YOU do in my situation? Thanks.
Tags: dating, dating a widow
Views: 1268
Replies to This Discussion
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VOLUNTEERPermalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on -
Oh gosh, I never recommend that anyone hurt themselves on purpose.
But I think you are on the right track. If you REALLY can't live like this, and he REALLY can't compromise at all, you need to find someone who will give you a full life. Your relationship should feed you, not just drain you. Give AND take.
Another choice would be to go to counseling with him and see if there's any room there for him to give back.
If you do break up... I don't think you'll be alone long... but I know it's not easy and I wouldn't want to be there again, either.
I'm sorry that this is hurting, but I think you're doing a good job of listening to your gut!
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Permalink Reply by Marly on
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Supa,
Thanks for your wise words. Counseling? Why would a perfectly well-adjusted man want to go to counseling?? His words, not mine!! When I told him the attachment to his mother is abnormal, he flipped out!! Oh, well, I've never been known for my tact! I'm praying that God will just drop the right man on my front steps and be done with it. LOL
Marly
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VOLUNTEERPermalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on -
That is two more red flags!!!!
Oh honey. I wish this was easier.
If I were you, I'd post my Match.com ad DURING the month off. No offense to him but....
XOXOX
P.S. POF is okay, the perfect guy could be anywhere, but paid services generally have folks who are more serious about finding someone and ... at least from my experience.... fewer convicts. :-)
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If I could afford it, I would do Match. I'm trying to hang on to my house this year. LOL I need to work overtime!!! I'm not looking for a rich man to support me, but I definitely want one who can support himself AND take me out without griping about every penny it costs him. Everything came down to money with him. I have unlimited long distance on my phone. I PAY for that service and am happy to do so! He, on the other hand, does not have it and will not pay for it. After a particularly high phone bill, he refused to call anymore - stated that I should call him all the time. He said he was going to change phone companies in order to get a better deal - that is, of course, when all the other stressors concerning his "busy life" are taken care of. LOLOLOL
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Permalink Reply by dadoffour (Floyd) on -
Marly,
While I am not an expert, I faced the same feelings . I never knew if the woman I was dating was "right" or was I seeing her to fill the void. Some were and the relationship did not last too long. When I met my current girlfriend Abby, I knew it was the right thing to do, because of the way that I felt when we were not together. I have always told her that in the turmoil of my life, being with her felt comfortable and welcoming. I have let that guide me and I am very happy that I have found her. Sure, nothing is perfect and we both have put some of our wants and feelings aside for each other, but it seems to be working.
I hope that you find what is right for you. I hope this month break will give you the answers.
Floyd
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Thanks, Floyd! I like your statement about the way you felt when you and Abby were NOT together - that is a very good sign. I do not think that Gary and I will continue on. Too many differences. Thanks for your input!
Marly
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Permalink Reply by celestia (Suzanne) on -
Marly,
An over-attachment to Mother for me would be extremely alarming. As would the fact he doesn't want to do stuff with your family and friends. I hate to sound discriminating, but in my experience (hard, hard lessons), men who have never been married tend to be damaged in some serious ways. I mean there are the exceptions of common law and living with someone, but generally...I would suggest you RUN and find someone worthy of your love.
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Thanks, Celestia! I've NEVER seen anyone at the age of 59 so attached to his parents. His dad died in November - same thing before he died. His parents even scolded him last summer when they found out about me. "Why didn't you wait until we were gone to get a woman?" "What about us?" "Who's going to take care of us now?" Unbelievable selfishness! His mom told me the first time I met her that "I come first with him." She meant it too - it is her way or she gets sick or falls so it Has to be her way. Nuts!!! And Gary puts up with it - "after all, she's my mother and she's old." Grrrrrrrr I'm not worried about myself nearly as much as I'm worried about him. I think he will be so lonely and even more of a hermit than he already is, if that's even possible. I know I shouldn't try to take the whole world on my emotional shoulders, but I feel bad anyway.
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Permalink Reply by celestia (Suzanne) on
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OMG, girl. GET OUT now...as a mother I can't imagine ever saying something like that to my sons.
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VOLUNTEERPermalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on -
OMG Marly, that makes it a LOT worse!!!!! She's nuts and he's putting up with it.
You're making the right call...
Go ahead and feel guilty for a day or two but GET OUT!!!
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I know you are all right! I saw him online earlier, but I ignored it. He won't contact me - when I told him I wanted a month of zero communication, he agreed to it - and he won't break his word. Isn't it just so sad though that someone who is most probably a genius has spent his entire life tied to his parents? I cannot even imagine. I've made some pretty poor decisions in my lifetime, but at least they were MINE to make!! No attachment to mommy here for sure! My children were never attached to me that way either - I raised them to be self sufficient like normal people do. LOL
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Permalink Reply by Dawn- Clouds Mum on -
He sounds so like my ex husband. His parents raised him to go to them for everything. After we were married going for a visit was a nightmare. Mummy would hover over him constantly, giving him milk drinks - "because it's good for your bones" and just generally babying him. This went on even after we had the girls. Needless to say the marriage was on the slippery slope to nowhere. He even got his parents up to look at the house we were buying and refused one cos Mummy did not like the fact it had a dishwasher. lol ... she never worked so had time. We divorced after 10 years of trying to make it work. I then met Keith who was my soul mate and was blessed with a strong man who had been brought up to stand on his own two feet and face up to his own decisions. Even though him Mum passed away many years ago I think that he would have been the same person I knew.
Don't stay just for the company or the fact he is male Marly. You are worth more than this poor excuse for a human has to offer. Find someone who has cut the apron strings. (((hugs)))
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