Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

My wife passed away a little over 2years ago ,last summer I met a widow on a dating website. We hit it of and have been seeing each other since. The problems I am having are feelings of guilt when I have a nice time, and not being able to tell my adult children about her. I like her,but am not in love,I had a hard time on Christmas and Valentines finding cards that did not mention love,but I did manage to do so. She has told me she has fallen in love with me, and I have told her I just want to be friends. I know she had sort of a bad marriage and stayed married due to her children and her sense of commitment to marriage. I sort of get the feeling that she was somewhat relieved when her husband passed away. This is totally opposite then the relationship,I had with my wife. I know she hopes that in time I may change,but in my heart I do not want to. I have been seeing a therapist about this, he tells me as long as I am honest and tell,her how I feel,am am doing her no harm.but I feel she is hoping that as time goes on things will change. I still feel a stronge love for my wife and think it will never change.

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Wow, what a tough spot to be in. Sadly I don't have any advice, I'm still pretty naive when it comes to romantic relationships. I am listening though... Thanks for sharing. -let us know what happenes ;)

Hi Jerry - as far as the relationship goes you are being honest with her.  That is all you can do. She can make the decision to continue seeing you as friends or not.  I really have no  experience in this - my husband died 11 months ago and I am nowhere near beign ready to date.  I think in time you will be open to a new relationship and when you are you will be able to share it with your children and you will be able to lose the feeling of guilt.  Wishing you well.

 

      I really dont think I was or really am at the pint that I want to move on beyond the place I am at now. The only reason I got into this is in the spring an old friend of mine asked me i f I was seeing any one, it had been 18 months since my wife had passed away. I told him no and that was it. soon afer while on the computer there was an ad for match.com. I looked into this, and signed up. Shortly afer I got an email from a lady that lived near me,and after writting back and forth we made a date to meet for breakfast. We talked a long time,and hit it off.That is how the dating stated. But as time has paased she has told me she is falling in love,and I dont have the same feeling fo her. As I have told my therapist,the problem I have with letting my kids know about her is that I feel if I do they may think that I loved there Mpm lees then I really did. He has told me I may loss this lady,and asked how I would feel.I told him I would accept it and not feel hurt. He said then just go along with things as they are, and let what happens happen.

  Hello Jerry, I have been dating my grade school girlfriend since about a month after my wife passed (July 11/06). She too says she loves me and I kind of believe it. I on the other hand will never feel for another woman like I did/do for my Rosie. There are times that I feel like maybe I love her, but I think its just that I'm sooooo glad that I have someone to pal around with. She doesn't push me on the love bit. Another thing that is nice is she does not ever call me unless its something that needs attention or I have asked her to call for some reason. I like also that she has more money than I and can chip in on whatever now and then. Her husband died about three years before my Rosie. I had a fling with a gal down here at my Fl. winter home that was nuts,,,,,I mean she was nuts, but fun as hell. 

      By the way Jerry, I am sorry you lost your mate. I'm sure you had plans for a great retirement like Rose and I. Rosie worked hard for 33 years in a steel mill and only was retired @ three years,,,,DX'ed with cancer and gone in less than three months. I miss her Jerry, God knows how damn bad I miss her. I fish almost everyday down here in Estero FL. because I am alone here during the winter. My girlfriend comes down a couple times during the winter, but that's about it. I have two sons and one of them is to come in this Sunday for a few days with his bride to-be. Again Jerry I am so very sorry your going through this torment of not having your gal beside you. Of course know one knows your heart but I can tell you my heart is broken beyond repair for this life. I just get through each day,,,,,,and go to bed early and alone.

          Hello Slimjim, thanks for sharing your story. As far as the live thig, this lady I met seems to be ahead of me in the grief process,and from what she has told me,even though she was married for 33 years, did not have the greatest relationship with her husband. Seems he was an alchoholic and very hot tempered. I am not like that at all. I have been seeing a therapist about my situation and he tells me that she sees me as a second chance to have a nice life again. I like being with her,going to a movie or dinner, but as far as ever living together, it is out of the question. I do have gand children and some good friends that keep my sort of busy so I am not alone.

          Have a nice time with you son and bride to be,regardsJerry.

Jerry,

I have read your post, and I want to share with you my experience, I lost my spouse almost 2 years ago, Our relationship was not always the best. I have quilt about that. What I 'm trying to say is, I appreciate the fact you are truthful with her about your feelings. Dating, sucks! until you find that special someone, and it sounds like you haven't found that yet. Take it from me, it is so worth it, and yes, I have made Big mistakes in the relationship  but I wouldn't change the fact that I found a new soul mate.. and he totally gets it, because he is a widow also. Take care, Sharon

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