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My husband's death anniversary is coming up, May 28th. It will be four years, seems like yesterday, seems a hundred years  ago -- anyone else feel the same?

Found him in the morning, unresponsive in bed. Called 911, paramedics couldn't revive, said "sorry Ma'am he's dead" --- I'm shocked, then police officer came, then CSi detective came (I guess to make sure I didn't kill him) then men in black came with black vans to take his body away ... never will forget that day...

So what does one do on the anniversary of a death?

We have no children, I have no nearby family..  so that's not an option  -- any suggestions? What to do on a death anniversary?



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Thanks everyone for your suggestions and kind words. I appreciate it. So sorry to hear, Norma, it's the same date as your birthday -- that has to be very hard. Frank, thanks for lovely reply. I, of course, am not celebrating this day -- wish I could wipe it off the calendar! But that isn't happening. Am thinking about going a movie --- just to get out of the house and get my mind off it.... 

thanks again to everyone who replied -- it's good know I'm not alone.


I've done the one random act of kindness for every year we would have been married.   This year was 17.   I bought Starbucks gift cards and put them on random cars.    Bought TAP cards and gave them to homeless people so they could access the Metro and be able to get to a job interview or doctor appt.  Also, when I was eating out that day, I asked the server to pick someone and I picked up their bill.     I look forward now to something that a lot of people who are in our situation would really dread.

Lupe's husband:

I really like that idea, For the past three anniversaries of Janet's passing I go to Cape May where we were married. I still am still going but I will follow your lead with the gift cards. Again, thanks for the idea.


Lupe's husband:

Followed your lead on the random act of kindness

Just came back from Cape May. Left gift cards inserted into a sealed envelope wishing a Merry Christmas on the windshield 10 cars. I tried to pick older cars that had kid seats. That was challenge, you know how many 60K Audis, Mercedes and Lexus's are out there?  Anyway I plan to make this a normal part of my routine every month. Thank you for your post, it has helped me and at least 10 other people.  


Lupe’s husband, what a wonderful gesture to do kind acts for others. It is so hard to escape from our heads and feelings of grief. You found a way to transfer that grief into a loving act for others. I applaud you. 

Rich, Cape May was also where my husband and I went on many, many occasions, mostly anniversaries. I finally went back this last September, the third anniversary of his death. I spread some of his ashes in the ocean. I realized that it was not a place I want to go anymore, not without him. It no longer held the charm that it did for us. I miss us going there together and the joy we had. 


Janet and I were married there, at the Chalfont on Howard Street. While I still go to Cape May three or four times a year there are places that I no longer go to, local café, Peddler's Village, area antique stores just to name a few. But she enjoyed Cape May so much that when I go I feel like she is with me,

Regarding Lupe's husbands idea, I am going to the Lobster House in the next few days to pick up fresh seafood for Christmas and will be dropping off gift cards with random cars. 


Today is my first deathiversary. I'm hoping to be distracted by work for most of the day, but am also holding space for my day to go any way I need in the moment. At least since I'm working from home due to coronavirus, I know that if I suddenly run out of energy, I won't have to deal with a commute. I lit a candle this morning. I'm getting together (online) with some friends on Saturday, to share stories about him.

...and even as I write all of that, I can't quite feel my body. Or my heart. Sigh. Well, gently does it. Nothing to do but go forward.

Melissa, I’m thinking of you today. I still remember being so beside myself on the first deathiversary. I couldn’t get Netflix to work and my daughter couldn’t understand my infuriation with it. It was never the Netflix at all, but only we on here would understand that. 
The feelings do run through some considerable seems by the minute. 
The story time sounds lovely. I think anything that honors his time with you here on earth would be perfect. 
Many hugs to you. 

Melissa, my heart is with you today.  You were so very kind to me a few weeks ago when I posted on the "born in the 50's" group about how much I'm missing my husband right now, even after 5 years.  I've read your private response to me many times since.  Know that I'm thinking of you.

Warm hugs,


It has been 6 years (this week) for me. I have done different things different years. One year, I took a long drive to some of my husbands favorite mountains. One year I stayed home and looked at pictures and cried and laughed too. One year I got a small tree to plant in his memory. There is no right or worng thing to do. FOr me, the days leading up to an event or anniversary are usually worse than the day itself. I teach and always take the day off of school. Right now I think you should think of something that you need or something that would bring you a measure of peace. Be kind to yourself.

Hi Dee,

My husband took his life April 18, 2019, and I just had my husband's 1 year anniversary this last Saturday.  Your situation is different than mine so it is just a suggestion.  Not sure if you have a favorite place to go with social distance in mind that would be a good start.  Focus on the positive look through old pictures or find an old video, play a favorite song, document things your husband would say to put a smile on your face or a chuckle.  Your husband made a mark on this earth so focus on the positive.  Tell me more about your husband that brings joy to you?  

I have watched this Ted X You Tube video several times it gives me peace.  " When Someone You Love Dies, There is No Such Thing as Moving On by Kelly Lynn



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