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My husband Dennis died very suddenly on July 7th.  I came home from work and found him.  We were married 30 years.  The process has been a long one that just ended this week.  We have two celebrations of his life, one here in Tampa then four weeks later we had one in NY.  Monday we finally interred his ashes at the National Cemetery in St. Petersburg.  So now all the formalities are over with.  I was in a fog for a while and now I find I don't know who I am.  We relocated to Tampa 3 years ago.  It was new to both of us so everything we did we did together.  We would go out every weekend and explore, discover and have new adventures together.  Now I find that anything I do, reminds me of him.  There is nothing here that is me, it is all us.  I'm not sure who I am alone, I don't know if I will ever be able to define me without him.  

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Hi there-thanks for your post. Man you hit it on the head when you shared "I'm not sure who I am alone, I don't know if I will ever be able to define me without him"

The only difference between you and myself in that sentence is the last word for me is her. This is a surreal journey isn't it? 

I just joined a gym to workout and try and be active. What memory hit me? I walked by a step class and a moment from 4 years ago when my wife talked me into taking one class with her-I remembered exactly what she wore that night, an orange workout blouse and black tights, and I remembered walking behind her and admiring her curves-man I hate this some days!

Today I was talking to myself (I have done that a lot the past 10 months-lol) and I said "Maybe I can define myself today as a grieving widower who is suffering inside and doing the best he can to survive in circumstances that are just too much to handle sometimes"

That's about all I can define myself today. Tomorrow? Maybe something different.

Soulmate that is so true, the definition changes with each day.  One day I feel like a warrior the next I feel as if you cannot change the toilet paper without instructions and I yell at him for leaving me alone.  The one thing I hold onto is that he was the greatest human being I ever met, and he was my husband.  How lucky was I?  I have not met one person who had anything bad to say about him.  The night I found him the Sherriff's kept me in the living room while the one Deputy went out and basically interviewed all our neighbors.   I understood he had to investigate what happened but it felt so strange to be "watched" like that.  The Deputy finally came back after about 2 hours and he said "I learned something about your husband"  I looked at him and said "What's that?"  He said "I wish he was my neighbor".  The other day I had to go to Lowe's and just walking through the door and smelling that "Home Improvement" smell made my breath catch.  I was not sure my legs would work it was so overwhelming, it was so Dennis. Then you have today.  Here in Tampa we are preparing for Hurricane Irma.  I had everyone helping me move furniture inside and put up those darn hurricane shutters.  Lord he would really be proud of me!

Just to let you know, a soul mate connection is a cathexis ...

It's a unique spiritual & emoltional bond unlike any other - far different from a relationship w/our children, parents, siblings or best friend ...

Some people lose the connection over the course of their marriage, some never truly had it deeply instilled, and for others, it goes on beyond death/grief in more of a subtle quiet manner - a content fondness, joy & happiness  ...


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