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Hello I have daughter in college - only about 2 hours away.  Regular visits, texts back and forth, calls.  Anyway, this past Friday she asked me to come down on Saturday - March 31.  Surprising because I had just been there the prior Saturday.  But great!

So I go - we discuss law school - where apparently I promised to pay for her lodging while she is in law school...

So we go to a fancier Chinese place.  Waitress offers dessert, she orders green tea ice cream.  She mentions fried ice cream - full disclosure - I need to lose weight.  But I rarely if ever eat out, and I really can't eat ice cream (lactose...issues...) - but I say, what the hell.  She flips out and walks out.  Literally cursing via text, about how I don't take care of myself, so she has to take care of herself.  Back to school, storms out of the car, tells me to NEVER contact her again, and to go eff myself etc.  And blocks me.  So I emailed her that I understand that she's afraid of losing me.  But she won't.


Text yesterday afternoon that I'm not worth her time (literally) and by the way, she won't be riding with me to work. (She interned where I work last year, and they (her boss) wants her back again.  If she doesn't ride with me, it's a 1.5 hour slog through traffic, plus she'll have to pay through the nose to park.  But whatever.  Back to being blocked.

I talked to my son - he thinks I need to leave her alone and he's done with it (he's 23 with girlfriend/job), and he doesn't want to be involved.  Which is a shame, because daughter at least listens to him.

So here we are.  Still blocked.

So on Thursday (knock on wood) we're supposed to get an extra paycheck for a retro raise.  (I give her $80 direct deposit directly to her bank account from each paycheck).  So now I've set the next deposit to be $1.  She'll be out of money by Thursday.  That, I figure, will get her attention.  Or I could set it to be like...$78.32 - or some such thing - to get her attention.

Or I could be evil - if I'm evil, shouldn't I just turn to the dark side and be done?  I have one more school payment to make for this year (and yes, that's with max loans, and in-state tuition.)  If I don't, she'll be expelled.  Yes that's evil, and I won't do that.

But I'm at my wits end.  Every other parent would have told her to go take a hike, and frankly, my late wife would have sent her into next Tuesday.

Any ideas?  I'm sad, scared, and I'm wondering what the hell do I even get up in the morning for.

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OR OR - I could put like $20 on her school account (which is (of course) at zero) - and do some good old fashioned guilt stuff.  Because she'll get an email from the school when funds are deposited.

I am so very sorry she is acting this way and treating you like this. Put the amount of money you feel is right. I I would also tell her that that is the last of the money and she needs to find a job to support herself. She's grown and it really is time she grew up and faced the real world. It's what's called tough love and yes it is hard timelord. Do what you feel is best for you. 

Thank you!  I told her we're done - of course she doesn't believe me.  She does have a job on campus but it's not much.  And the summer job pays quite well.

In the past, when she...flipped out...for a lack of a better term, it was over quickly.  This isn' far.  I just don't want to lose her, but I also don't want to be walked over.  So I truly don't know what to do.

Like I said maybe the $1.00 deposit will make her wake up.  We'll see.

And you're right.  No reason for her to live off the "dole."

If my kids told me to never speak to them again, I would not be sending them money, in any amount. Perhaps she is going through some issues, but she had no right to treat you this way. Give her some space. If you have any way to send her a message, I'd let her know that you are hurt over how she treated you but that you love her unconditionally. Hopefully, in time, you can work things out.
Thank you Dez! Like I said, if she had said this to my late wife, she (daughter) would have found herself kicked into next year!

I sent her an email on Saturday. Still nothing.

(Besides what I wrote in her message.)

So...I think we'll have to see what'll happen...

Timelord, I'm going through similar tough-love issues with my daughter.  Lord knows it isn't easy.  For what it's worth I agree with Dez.  Good luck.

Thank you Misty - best of good luck to you as well!

Wait 'til Thursday.

I’ve read your post several times but do not see why you “think” she may be angry with you. Did something happen during that week before visit that may have upset her? Has she been disrespectful to you in the past? You don’t have to share that info here but it would seem she at least owes you some sort of explanation. Something. Anything!

Is there any possibility, and please don’t take offense, that she finds you somewhat overbearing and that you don’t treat her as an adult? I’m just saying that because your son has suggested giving her space. It does sound like you are a very caring Dad but sometimes we need to step back and allow them to spread their wings. That does not excuse her behavior, she still owes you respect.

I wonder also if any of this may be related to her loss of her Mom. I know it’s been a couple weeks and hopefully by now things have improved. If not and you are still at odds over this, maybe sit down and write her a letter. You may find it easier to express your feelings that way and possibly open up better communication.  As children grow up and mature, they sometimes change. I am seeing that with my grandson right now who is 21. He has been making it a point to stop by frequently and we have a lot of interesting conversations about various topics. He does not view a lot of things as I do but that’s perfectly understandable. I try to refrain from telling him he is wrong but gently tell him when I disagree and why. That doesn’t always make me right either!

In any event, try not to allow this to get you down. I think this will work itself out if you remain cool and avoid being vindictive, at least until you get a better understanding as to what is going on in her life. And... there are many people that become lactose intolerant—such a common complaint!  It can be a bit unpleasant though. I miss ice-cream and cheeses the most!


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