Did your spouse pass away in your home? How do you/did you cope with this?

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Permalink Reply by cleodoggie on April 2, 2011 at 4:27pm

After almost two years not much has changed in my house.  I like the way things look and the redecorating we did before he was sick enough to go to the VA Hospital, Nursing home, St. luke's hospital in Milwaukee, back to the nursing home and then finally home.  He only got to be home a week spent Easter with the family and he died. He died on my youngest daughter' 31st birthday something she will carry around with her forever. I need to put the house up for sale so soon I have to get rid of what's left of his tools and stuff.  I know one thing and I told myself this repeatedly right after he died.  Jim would never want me to be uncomfortable in my own home.  So I have lived here almost two years now with that in mind. At times it was comforting and at times I couldn't stand being here but it's home.

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Permalink Reply by sue on April 2, 2011 at 10:01pm

My husband died in a hospice/hospital bed that was in our living room.  We both wanted for him to be able to die in the home we both loved so much and I am grateful that could happen.  As far as the room itself goes, I've just had the furniture re-upholstered and painted the walls a totally different color than I ever would have before, rearranged the furniture and it doesn't even look like the "before" room.  I like it and almost find some sort of comfort in that space in a way that surprises me sometimes.  However, there are times I am in there and do nothing but lay on the couch and sob.  I am grateful I will be able to stay in the house and not have to make any decisions about it unless I want to move.  It's only been 5 months and I figure I'm lucky somedays if I have coherent thoughts.   

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Permalink Reply by Dawn- Clouds Mum on April 7, 2011 at 3:51am

Keith died in the spot where I am sitting and typing this. It is in the corner of our lounge room. Right in the corner is the lamp that was not turned off during the night for the 5 weeks he lay in the hospital bed, the other side of me is the table where all the medications and the other lamp were and then his chair. That table and those two lamps, his chair and the wall unit are the only things that are the same. After the funeral director came to pick Keith up my best friend and I cleaned up all the medications, wipes, sick bowls and other things that were part of the last 5 weeks of his life.

 

I had been sleeping on a pull out lounge and that is currently under the carport on it's way to the dump as my best friend went out and got me a lounge the next day. The pull out was in bad condition and needed to go anyway as it has outlasted it's use.

I don't feel any sadness at all sitting in the spot where he died and neither do any of the pets, who were all present at the time. It was our plan for him to die at home and I did as much research on the subject that I at least had some preparation. It was peaceful, Keith passed from this world with the rising sun on his face and surrounded by the love that he had always had in this home. I don't feel the need to move away and nor do I feel any sadness being here in the home where we loved, laughed and fought the good fight for 12 years of his illness, there were other houses during the many years of illness, but this is where we made our Home.... there is a difference between a house and a home. There are reminders of him all around me and after 3 1/2 months I feel him here in this room often. There are days where the thought processes are not as good as they should be and like you sue I am glad that I don't have to make the decision to move just yet.

Friends who visit tell me that they can still feel his presence in the house and that even though I have changed some things the happiness that we had is still palpable in the rooms. It's such a nice thing to hear.

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Permalink Reply by Lynette on April 7, 2011 at 12:26pm

My husband, George, died in our home on 11/02/10 from complications from melanoma.  He died five days after being released from the hospital with hospice care, in the hospital bed that was in the living room.  I am thankful he was able to spend his last days in our beloved home with loved ones, and being able to hear the sounds of life (birds, dogs barking, cars, etc.) instead of the unnatural environment of the hospital.  One of our kitties slept with him every day on the hospital bed, and she stayed with him until he was taken away by the funeral home.  The day he died, I got rid of everything that had to do with the illness, and immediately put the living room back in order.  Sometimes I sit in the spot where he laid in the hospital bed, looking out at the trees, houses, birds, etc., and I imagine him gazing at these things, and I feel relief that he spent his last days at home.

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Permalink Reply by SallyStarre on May 13, 2011 at 3:50pm

Hi Lynette,  This so sounds like my experience.  We were blessed with 25 days at home before he died.  I slept beside him in a recliner and sometimes in the bed.  I too got rid of anything medical right away (actually that's all I am able to part with now).  Like you I get comfort being in that room now and feel him with me.  It has been 2 months since I lost my best friend.

And yes I am glad it was at home.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy H on April 7, 2011 at 5:39pm

My husband passed away  on the couch in our family room down in the basement.  I had a hard time going down there after his death.  So I decided to get rid of the couch (which was on it last leg anyway) and did some repainting thinking maybe that might help.  Well for me it hasn't.  After 4 years I still have a hard time going down there and if I can avoid it, I do. 

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Permalink Reply by NMWidower on May 13, 2011 at 4:07pm

Goldie,

My wife took her life on our back porch.  I can say that for me early on this was hard.  We did put curtains so that it was not visually in our face every day and that helped us.  I had a tough weekly reminder though because when i went to take out the trash to the road I would stare right at where things happened.  That was a weekly trigger that for a while was really hard.  I would remember everything that happened and being on the driveway after the police and emergency crews arrived.   It honestly was like watching a really bad "B" movie in my head and it hurt.

We did decide to stay and are going to renovate that area soon so that it does not look the same.  While I know many encouraged us to move,  this house was really good for us and as I grieved no longer held the same painful triggers as it did before.  Not everyone can do that and that is ok.  I'm just glad now at least we didnt. I think for me I realized.  Ok I have to face this and work through it or this will always haunt me.  It took nearly a year for me to do that but now it no longer has the same sharp and painful effect on me as before.  I dont know if everyone can do that, but for me I knew it was something I had to face and deal with if I was going to truly be free from those memories and that hurtful painful grief trigger.

I can understand the difficulty in sleeping upstairs with the triggers and the memories.  Its really hard facing the place they passed away.  I'm glad you got a new bed and have a better place to sleep.  Sleep is so valuable to healing and for dealing with the high stress in grieving.

Bless you ask you continue on your journey!  Glad you are investing in you, it is a very worthwhile investment!

Pat-NMWidower

 

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Permalink Reply by Goldie on May 13, 2011 at 4:44pm

Thanks, Pat! The new bed has been a great help to me. Sleep is so important and has to be made a priority.

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Permalink Reply by MsKris12 on May 16, 2011 at 1:48pm

Steve died in our bedroom, in bed or on the floor after myself and my son were told to move him to the floor by 911.  I have since taken to sleeping on his side of the bed.  It never occured to me to sleep anywhere else-which now thinking about it I find interesting.  This is our room, in our home. 

This weekend I moved the mattress to the new room we were having constructed, leaving our old bed frame/headboard/footboard, empty, like a skeleton of a life that once was.    I'm slowly cleaning out what was "our" room, it is very sad. This room will become a guest room and one day Madi's room as we had it designed for her-but because of it's location in the house, I'm not ready to move her there yet. Anyway, since Steve died she has only slept one night in her own bed.

The new room is beautiful, beautifully furnished, my space.  I couldn't sleep in it-I slept in Madi's room. 

So, I'm not sure how I'm dealing with Steve dieing in our home-I'm not really sure if I'm dealing with it at all.

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Permalink Reply by pegster999 on May 16, 2011 at 4:51pm

2 of my little boys have been sleeping with me since Mike died too.  Haven't gotten to rearranging anything.  Honestly, I hope to get out of here sometime in the near future.

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Permalink Reply by Dawn- Clouds Mum on May 16, 2011 at 5:40pm

I have rearranged the whole house since Keith died. The bedroom was the first room and I was having a crap day and just walked in there and sorted through his clothes and decided to move the bed and other furniture around. I had had the bed close to the door when he was alive so that it was easier to get him in and out of bed. Now it's back where it is supposed to be and the room looks more balanced again.

I have no trouble sleeping in there and have no trouble sitting in the lounge room in the spot where he died. It might just be me though or the fact that we were able to talk and plan in the weeks before Keith died. We were lucky enough to know though and I do think that the knowledge made a difference not only to being able to live in the house comfortably, but also to the mourning process. I was able to mourn so much with him in the last few weeks before he died and we mourned together the things that we would both miss. It still hurts, but I have not felt that I am not coping. Time will tell......

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Permalink Reply by kimmig on February 19, 2012 at 8:32pm

your story sounds like mine.  i too sleep on the sofa, got rid of our bed.  my husband died in his sleep on our bed.  

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