A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
My husband suddenly passed away in our bed, in our new home. The master bedroom is on the second floor (thankfully), which means I can avoid it most of the day. For the first year I slept on the sofa in our living room because the second floor brought back so many horrible memories. I could've purchased a new bed and put it somewhere downstairs, but for some reason I wanted to "punish" myself and feel the pain that came from sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa. After the first year anniversary and dealing with consistent neck pain, I bought a new bed and put it in a different room on the second floor. It's still not easy to sleep just feet away from where the nightmare of my life began, but I know that my body and soul deserves a proper place to rest and relax.
I'll eventually sell our home because it's too big and holds so many mixed memories. In the meantime I've started to redecorate and make it as much of a welcoming and peaceful place as I can. It's all part of making 2011 about investing in me. I know my husband is cheering me on from Heaven and will continue to be with me on this life-changing journey.
Many thanks to all who contribute to this website- it's an amazing source of comfort and strength.
Keith died in the spot where I am sitting and typing this. It is in the corner of our lounge room. Right in the corner is the lamp that was not turned off during the night for the 5 weeks he lay in the hospital bed, the other side of me is the table where all the medications and the other lamp were and then his chair. That table and those two lamps, his chair and the wall unit are the only things that are the same. After the funeral director came to pick Keith up my best friend and I cleaned up all the medications, wipes, sick bowls and other things that were part of the last 5 weeks of his life.
I had been sleeping on a pull out lounge and that is currently under the carport on it's way to the dump as my best friend went out and got me a lounge the next day. The pull out was in bad condition and needed to go anyway as it has outlasted it's use.
I don't feel any sadness at all sitting in the spot where he died and neither do any of the pets, who were all present at the time. It was our plan for him to die at home and I did as much research on the subject that I at least had some preparation. It was peaceful, Keith passed from this world with the rising sun on his face and surrounded by the love that he had always had in this home. I don't feel the need to move away and nor do I feel any sadness being here in the home where we loved, laughed and fought the good fight for 12 years of his illness, there were other houses during the many years of illness, but this is where we made our Home.... there is a difference between a house and a home. There are reminders of him all around me and after 3 1/2 months I feel him here in this room often. There are days where the thought processes are not as good as they should be and like you sue I am glad that I don't have to make the decision to move just yet.
Friends who visit tell me that they can still feel his presence in the house and that even though I have changed some things the happiness that we had is still palpable in the rooms. It's such a nice thing to hear.
Hi Lynette, This so sounds like my experience. We were blessed with 25 days at home before he died. I slept beside him in a recliner and sometimes in the bed. I too got rid of anything medical right away (actually that's all I am able to part with now). Like you I get comfort being in that room now and feel him with me. It has been 2 months since I lost my best friend.
And yes I am glad it was at home.
My husband passed away on the couch in our family room down in the basement. I had a hard time going down there after his death. So I decided to get rid of the couch (which was on it last leg anyway) and did some repainting thinking maybe that might help. Well for me it hasn't. After 4 years I still have a hard time going down there and if I can avoid it, I do.
My wife took her life on our back porch. I can say that for me early on this was hard. We did put curtains so that it was not visually in our face every day and that helped us. I had a tough weekly reminder though because when i went to take out the trash to the road I would stare right at where things happened. That was a weekly trigger that for a while was really hard. I would remember everything that happened and being on the driveway after the police and emergency crews arrived. It honestly was like watching a really bad "B" movie in my head and it hurt.
We did decide to stay and are going to renovate that area soon so that it does not look the same. While I know many encouraged us to move, this house was really good for us and as I grieved no longer held the same painful triggers as it did before. Not everyone can do that and that is ok. I'm just glad now at least we didnt. I think for me I realized. Ok I have to face this and work through it or this will always haunt me. It took nearly a year for me to do that but now it no longer has the same sharp and painful effect on me as before. I dont know if everyone can do that, but for me I knew it was something I had to face and deal with if I was going to truly be free from those memories and that hurtful painful grief trigger.
I can understand the difficulty in sleeping upstairs with the triggers and the memories. Its really hard facing the place they passed away. I'm glad you got a new bed and have a better place to sleep. Sleep is so valuable to healing and for dealing with the high stress in grieving.
Bless you ask you continue on your journey! Glad you are investing in you, it is a very worthwhile investment!
Steve died in our bedroom, in bed or on the floor after myself and my son were told to move him to the floor by 911. I have since taken to sleeping on his side of the bed. It never occured to me to sleep anywhere else-which now thinking about it I find interesting. This is our room, in our home.
This weekend I moved the mattress to the new room we were having constructed, leaving our old bed frame/headboard/footboard, empty, like a skeleton of a life that once was. I'm slowly cleaning out what was "our" room, it is very sad. This room will become a guest room and one day Madi's room as we had it designed for her-but because of it's location in the house, I'm not ready to move her there yet. Anyway, since Steve died she has only slept one night in her own bed.
The new room is beautiful, beautifully furnished, my space. I couldn't sleep in it-I slept in Madi's room.
So, I'm not sure how I'm dealing with Steve dieing in our home-I'm not really sure if I'm dealing with it at all.
I have rearranged the whole house since Keith died. The bedroom was the first room and I was having a crap day and just walked in there and sorted through his clothes and decided to move the bed and other furniture around. I had had the bed close to the door when he was alive so that it was easier to get him in and out of bed. Now it's back where it is supposed to be and the room looks more balanced again.
I have no trouble sleeping in there and have no trouble sitting in the lounge room in the spot where he died. It might just be me though or the fact that we were able to talk and plan in the weeks before Keith died. We were lucky enough to know though and I do think that the knowledge made a difference not only to being able to live in the house comfortably, but also to the mourning process. I was able to mourn so much with him in the last few weeks before he died and we mourned together the things that we would both miss. It still hurts, but I have not felt that I am not coping. Time will tell......
your story sounds like mine. i too sleep on the sofa, got rid of our bed. my husband died in his sleep on our bed.