A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Do you feel guilty for not feeling horrible?
I feel like I am doing pretty well. I read posts here, some from new widows, some from widows on the journey longer than I, (I am just under 22 months) and I think, "Why does it seem easier for me? Why don't I feel sadder?"
I know I loved Mike more than myself. I fell in love with him the first night we met. He wasn't perfect, our marriage wasn't perfect, but he was a GOOD man, a good husband and father and a great provider. I have gotten rid of most of his clothes, have had new checks ordered with just my name on them, buy only the foods I want, watch movies and TV shows I want. I'm not happy I am alone, without Mike, but I can find positives in being alone.
Does this mean I didn't really love being married, or does it just mean I have found a way to survive this? I think that is what it means. God has allowed my mind to allow me to move on, to accept my aloneness. I will cling to "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Maybe that's why I don't feel sadder. I will try to just be grateful and not feel guilty.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lynne on -
Again, identify closely with what you've written and could not agree more. Glad to know that there are others who feel like this, as I was beginning to wonder. Thanks for posting. L.
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Permalink Reply by smit09 on -
I feel that love is what makes life worth living.
death did part us. all of us. It's unfortunate, but there's a lot of love out there to give and to receive. I have hope that I will one day find a good fit for me. He won't be Craig...but I am hopeful for love.
we have no need to hold on to those guilty feelings. Although I do believe that guilt sort of comes with the territory of being widowed. But it's true, the old us died when our spouses died... we have to be able to find the new 'me' and carry on. Life does go on. We can go on.
peace and healing to us all.
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Permalink Reply by dreaming13000 on
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Hello all, I am brand new to this site.....My husband died on april 29th. It was a long term illness so to speak, addiction with some bad drugs. I am dealing with so much guilt right now because of my lack of feeling horrible.... There are bad days and there are good days, but mostly I'm relieved that the battle with this addiction is finally over!!! no more torment and suffering....so I do know what you mean about feeling guilt for not feeling horrible....the guilt will pass I think, and really I know that he is in a better place now with no more torment and anguish, and we are free from the trappings of trying to 'save" him from himself. I guess that is why I joined this site, to answer all the many mixed emotions and confused feelings that seem to swallow me up by the end of each day.
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Permalink Reply by Ccdague on -
Dreaming.....welcome to our site....we're glad you found us, bu so sorry for your loss. Your battle and struggle is very different from many of us and required a different and very special courage. Prayers and peace to you on this journey....let our strength support you.
Carol
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Permalink Reply by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on -
Welcome, dreaming. So sorry for your loss.
I lost my husband to an accidental overdose in February of 2012. I'd like to invite you to join our private group for others who lost spouses/partners who struggled with addiction/substance abuse.
http://widowedvillage.org/group/survivors-of-addiction-and-substanc...
We have forums where we discuss the difficult emotions surrounding such a loss, including the kind of guilt that you describe.You're not alone.
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Permalink Reply by janet on -
Hi. I have read every comment here and I must say that I am glad to find that there are others who feel the same as me. I lost my husband the 1st of November 2011 in Belize, C.A. I miss him dearly but I find myself wanting and needing to move forward in my life. I still cry but not as often as I did in the beginning.
The hardest thing for me has been this week. When he was still alive we tried so often to get the HOA and the management company to fix the termite damage in the living room because it was their responsibility. Now just over 6 months after his passing they finally got it fixed this week. It saddens me that they could not have done it when he was still here. I was also told last night by the management company that getting the patio redone is the next thing on the list. I wonder why they could not have done this all three years ago when we first asked for it to be done.
I am learning to be the independent person I was before we were married some 25 years ago. I was 38 when we married. We also had our ups and downs but all in all we had a good marriage. He always said the one thing he liked about me was my independence to be my own person. We talked about what we hoped the other would do should one of us go before the other. We both wanted the other person to go on with life and live it to the fullest.
I am sorry for all of your losses. Prayers to all of you. Happy Mother's Day to all of you.
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Permalink Reply by Dawn- Clouds Mum on -
Hi all, I know I have not posted for a long time in any of the threads, but I have been busy getting my life back in order again after the loss of my much loved and missed husband on 20 December 2010.
I identify with so much of what has been said here and the feeling of being able to move on was one that was strong from the beginning. Keith and I had talked so much about the future for me prior to his passing that in his own way he had formed a plan for me to keep living. The thing he wanted most for me was to live, laugh and be happy as my life would not be over, just our lives together.
Do I miss him, everyday and I always will, but life is moving on around us all the time. He recognised this fact and faced it long before he died and with love and encouragement made a point of making me face it too.
Since he died I have found that I like living alone after 25 years of caring for someone who was so ill. I like that I can choose the music, the tv, the meals and all the other little things in life that were very often his choice. Now it's all mine. I like that I am not rushing to do the shopping to get home to him because the nurse is only in for 4 hours and he cannot be left alone. There are so many things I am now doing that were either difficult or impossible during the last 25 years of his life that I cannot believe how much change has happened
One of the things though that has happened for me is the time to return to writing and that is what I am now doing and I have published two books within the last week and have 4 more under way. It is something that I missed and was not able to do, now I have the time and am back doing the things I love to do for me.
I will never stop missing Keith, but now I must move on and find the right life for me. I am not sure that it includes another marriage or even if I could live with someone else but I do want to find love again. For me and to honour the promise I made Keith to live, love, laugh and be happy again. I do feel happier now and know that my journey has been easier for me than for some of us, but that comes from all the little losses over the years that culminated in the biggest loss.
I have to thank the bravest and strongest man in the world for the example of living he gave me and the courage he showed by being able to look to the future for me while knowing he was dying. (((HUGS))) and strength to us all.
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Permalink Reply by Lynne on
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Just read all the recent posts and, like so many others have said, it was good to know that I am not alone in how I am feeling. I know that I can hold both loving and missing my husband AND wanting to move forward and create this next period of my life at the exact same time - these two things are not mutually exclusive. Thanks for the comments, as they are very validating and life affirming...and just what I need at this point. My best to you all. L.
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Permalink Reply by mahagen on -
WOW!!!! It is good to see so many others feel the same way, trying to move on, trying to LIVE! I wrote the original post back in February on a day I was feeling pretty good. Since then, I have had many,many good days and a few bad ones. April and May are my bad months, the anniversary of his death, our birthdays and wedding anniversary. And they are here, but I am getting through them. So far I have only had one bad meltdown, a few sad momments, but overall, I am doing well!
God is good, all the time, even (especially?) when we don't understand Him.
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Permalink Reply by Mary99 on -
I'm so glad it's not just me. Tom passed November 3, 2008. There are still days with sadness and missing him, but tears much less frequently now, and I can't say I've been depressed and despairing for quite a while. I've gotten used to being on my own. I'm leary of trying to start a new relationship because I don't want to compromise on being me. Yes, there are some days when I look at couples and feel envy for their closeness and ability to have a short-hand conversation with someone. Then I look again and see the crankiness or selfishness or hurtful remarks and I'm glad I'm not them.
I have just sold my business and am retiring, and I look forward to being able to travel and do the house projects I want to do - and, yes, I am one of those who feels a bit guilty about being able to spend the retirement money all by myself on whatever I want to. Tom was the one responsible for building up the retirement accounts; I draw his pension benefits; and certainly the insurance money was because of him. I'm not rich, but I should be comfortable for the rest of my life unless I get stupid. My life is easy because of him, and I'm grateful for it.
I go to the movies when I want; pick out my own paint colors and bedspreads; eat when I want, if I want; watch what i want on TV or spend all day listening to audiobooks without concern that I might be tuning someone out; I go out with my girlfriends and married couples when I want company - and I am perfectly capable of saying, "sorry, that doesn't fit into my schedule right now." All in all, life isn't bad right now. And that makes me feel guilty - and I know Tom wouldn't want me to feel that way - but I still do.
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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on -
The loss of my husband occurred five months ago, and while I have days when I am sad and full of sorrow, I have days when I feel fine, and even dare to say that I am happy, at peace and content. I do not feel guilty about this. I realize that this is life pulling me forward. I have a son to raise so I have to be present, I have to care for him, I have to cherish the present moment with my son.
I loved my husband deeply, I was married nearly 21 years but we were a couple for 28 years. I was always there for him, I was always faithful, and I gave it my all while I was his caregiver for nine months while he battled his rare cancer.
I have reminded myself about something that I read in a book by Thich Nhat Hahn, a concept of "attachment" to suffering. I do not want to become so "attached" to my suffering from this loss that I miss the opportunity to live.
I do grieve, but I know my husband would want me to go forward and live life. I can feel life pulling me forward. I am still mourning, but I know that I am not completely disabled from my grief. I am functioning, and one day I will not only survive, I will thrive.
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Permalink Reply by Jerry on
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I do know in my heart that my wife loved me enough that she wouldn't want me to sit around and mourn for the rest of my life. Certain things are tough, like family functions. I went to one and felt uncomfortable being their alone, so much so that I turned down two wedding invitations for family members..I have went to functions were people don't know my situation and I do not feel the same. When I am in a place that I was with my wife many times it just makes me miss her more, so I try to avoid them .
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