My husband passed last month and I’ve been asked several times already ... even by my psychiatrist. My answer has been “No”. It’s not that I’m against it but more that marriage is a forever thing for me. I can’t imagine loving anyone else enough to commit to “til death”.
What about you? Do you think you’ll get married again?
Almost 3.5 yrs for me since my husband Bob passed unexpectedly. Everyone is different and that is the wonderful thing! I met my beautiful Bob when he was a 3 year widower and we had a remarkable relationship for 30 years. He had no children with his first wife and we remained close to her family. Bob and I got married, lived, loved, were never blessed/cursed with children, built our career and planned for our retirement. 30 years of normal "life" with the exception that my Bob lived the mantra "LIFE IS SHORT". Never a day, nor a doubt that we loved and had each other's back. (OK, that is totally woman's perspective.....Bob would say something more like "here's the extra safe deposit key....don't lose, it").
I had a great Love, a great husband. I had a awesome man who came into my life about 4 months after Bob left and I will still argue that Bob brought him to me. He accelerated my healing and pushed the "negative" thoughts and people out of my life! When we broke up, my heart was totally demolished once again and I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL to him for both coming into and leaving my life.
The heart is so encompassing and so HUGE! I miss my Bob everyday! Somedays the ache is worse. My Bob missed his first wife EVERY SINGLE DAY...but he lived and loved me. That is life...this is the cycle that has been for centuries . "You get better or you get bitter."
I may not get remarried...however; I will love again!
Maybe it makes a difference if you are younger or if your spouse died suddenly or if you have children with your spouse. When do people ask you about dating/remarriage? Thoughts?
As always, I wish you to find a small piece of comfort everyday. Remember, you will be ok.
At 3.5 years out as well as knowing what you now know about grief when Bob was 3 years out, would you still have dated/married him?
My question is also for others to help w/understanding ...
Yes, most definitely would have dated and married Bob even now having the knowledge/experience of grief. I was aware he was a widower and the circumstances of his wife's accident before he even asked me out. He was a remarkable man...Jessie was always such a part of him and he always remained in love with her yet, he deeply and passionately loved me also. I learned a lot about compounding love and resiliency from that man! Also, because he was in a higher risk profession, we had talked about final arrangements and the "what-if's" as well as the importance of kissing(acknowledging the other) upon parting.
So, Melissa, I guess that was the long YES answer! I miss Bob everyday. I love Bob everyday and thank him for being with me for 30 years. I still cry often and throw myself a pity party about all the changes. I sometimes still get mad at him for leaving me (irrational and untrue) usually when I am trying to do minor house repairs! Mostly though, I just carry Bob's love in me. Hope that makes sense.
Wishing everyone some measure of comfort tonight and thank you for reading this.
I get where you are coming from at 3.5 years out ...
The circumstances of widowhood are a separate issue as well as easier to accept when unaware of a widowed spouse's pre-occupation w/grief & their late spouse ...
I was prompted to ask from recalling frequently asked questions by the widowed experiencing the grief process & by the non-widowed from not understanding or unaware of the existence of their widowed spouse's grief ...
1.) What is the purpose of our relationship for my widowed spouse?
2.) What to do about the b-day or death anniversary of widowed spouse's late wife/husband. Private affairs or requiring validation?
3.) How to correct a mistake in forgetting widowed spouse is still grieving ...
4.) How to guage if a mood swing is about grief, in general, or the late spouse or at them. Give him/her space or talk it out? Are his/her words honest & to be believed or a cover for their grief?
5.) If the new relationship/marriage is true love, partially fake or just an illusion ...
At this point, my question came too early to learn if & how issues were/are resolved during the long grief process when all truths are revealed to experience a change in perspective for closure ...
However, I believe these are good questions for everyone to consider ...
So much of what you wrote resonates with me, I won't go into details in this post, however wanted to pop in to say I agree completely in regard to our hearts being HUGE!
I am not as confident as you that "I will love again" I do have hope I will, hope my wife showed me every day of our nearly 32 years together.
Love is a verb. Since you already recognize the enormity of the human heart and it appears that your lovely wife understood that " hope" is also a verb....I have no doubt that you will love again!
Verb: expresses action or a relation between two things
No, but not for the reasons many people cite here. Ron died in November, 2016. He was 15 years older so I know it was the likely scenario. When we married I was 50 and he was 65 so it wasn't my first time around the block. I got on Match.com last year. After a few false starts but nothing disastrous, I met a guy who feels the way I do- wants companionship, a healthy physical relationship, but not cohabitation or marriage. I LIKE having my own space, my own timetable, my own hand on the TV remote. I spent Ron's last couple of months as a caregiver- nothing as bad as what many here have been through but I don't want to do it again. I just wanna have fun- and I am!
Your comment is very encouraging for me. Thank you for making it.
A week after my wife past away I went to church and the pastor both gave me condolence and told me how my kids needed a "female influence". I was was still too numb to give a full reaction but was still shocked inside.
Having said that, now 4 1/2 years later I know I would like to get married again. Unfortunately my social awkwardness and not being in "target rich environments". lessons my opportunities to find someone. I am also more picky. I have a better Idea of what I want and don't want along with what I'm willing to put up with.
Hope springs eternal!
I hear you on "picky", grover! :-) [That's how my late mother described me--in fact, too picky--when I refused to even telephone the woman she had wanted me to marry.] Here's to your success!
Speaking for myself, I am just over a week short of hitting the eight-year mark. I have dated off-and-on for seven years...and see a trend...and I can live with however things turn out.
What is the trend you see?
I'd say that the needle is in the area between "Slim" and "No Chance".