Does new love "fix" anything?

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Permalink Reply by cantorsue on February 5, 2012 at 3:03pm

Aw. This photo is precious.  Don't get me wrong, Macduff - I didn't think I was going for a one-night stand.  I innocently thought that despite being on vacation, the man would want to continue and develop a relationship.  Although we have kept in contact via the occasional e-mail and phone, he is not interested in making the effort to travel to see me again.  As far as self-induced orgasms, after having spent a good deal of my time spending many evenings with a gorgeous triathlete just so I could have good sex, I don't feel sad doing that for myself - in fact, I'm glad I don't have to waste time!  He still calls, but I resist the temptation to sleep with him because I find him boring and annoying and when he used to leave after sex, despite the orgasms I felt awful.  I haven't tried any dating websites yet.  After taking Carol Brody Fleet's workshop at CW, I was put off by how much time it takes.  I seem to meet people just in my daily living.  I just wrote to Marly that new love doesn't fix anything.  We have to fix ourselves first to meet the new love.  My best to you :)

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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on March 17, 2013 at 5:06pm

Cantorsue- how so very true. We have to fix ourselves first to meet new love. We have to become a whole person again because half of us was ripped away.

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Permalink Reply by Valerie L. on February 4, 2012 at 4:36pm

Thanks so much for your honesty Cantorsue - it really helps a lot! Andrea, I feel crazy too most of the time like that song that keeps going thru my head "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little un-well". . .

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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on March 17, 2013 at 5:01pm

Valerie- I can so relate to what you wrote. The thought of getting naked again with someone else does freak me out! I know I am unusual (even my gynecologist told me this) in that I have only had one sexual partner for my entire lifetime. My boyfriend who became my husband was my ONE and ONLY- the only man that I have been physically intimate with.

I know when I start dating I have many hurdles to overcome. We've were a couple since I was 18 years old, we got married when I was 25 and he was 26. He died 15 months ago at 47 years old.  I haven't had sex since late July 2011 because of his cancer interfered. BUT as long as I could physically touch him, hug him, be near him, snuggle, etc., I was okay. But the first 6-8 months after he was gone were hard because my body was HUNGRY. I have no clue how to date, so I just ordered some books. One of them is titled: Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped or Distracted."  Reading these posts have been encouraging. Thank you to all you brave souls for sharing your stories and experiences of dating after losing the love of your life.

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Permalink Reply by andrea on February 4, 2012 at 2:24pm

You guys are making me feel so much better!  Because I just did a crazy thing!  I was married to Ben for 22 years, and with him since the 8th grade.  He died last year at 45 from cancer.  It was awful. He was my best friend, lover, etc etc.  I never thought anyone would make me interested and then a nice man held the door open for me at my friend's daughter' basketball game.  Now I have a crush on him.  I know that part of it is that he reminds me of Ben but there is something genuine about him and in my entire life I never liked anyone but Ben.  So.....I emailed him!!  Mostly for what you have all said.  I miss being a partner, having someone to do things and talk to.  I was part of a whole and now even though I know I can survive by myself at 45 I dont want to be alone.  Do you all think I am nuts???  I feel nuts!  I have never even been with anyone else and feel llike I am cheating on Ben but then I know he was terrified I would be alone...sorry to go on and on...but thanks for all of your sharing! xo Andrea

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Permalink Reply by Marly on February 4, 2012 at 3:05pm

Andrea,

You are not nuts!  You are perfectly normal.  If you would like to private message me, my email address is marilynslagel@yahoo.com   I was widowed on August 9, 2009.  Jimmy was my soulmate and the man who loved me unconditionally.  Was our marriage perfect?  Nope!  We were neither one perfect people.  But we were made for each other and we knew it.  Right now I will just say that I have had some experiences with dating that would probably curl your hair.  Some good experiences, too.  Have I found Mr. Right yet?  No, I'm still looking.  At 56 years of age, it is not that easy to find the Last Love of My Life.  Until that guy comes along, there will probably be a few more Mr. Right Now's for me.  I don't like it, but I'm not ready to shrivel up and die just yet either. 

You are not wrong in sending the guy an email.  He is probably very flattered.  Will he take the next step?  Who knows?  The GOOD thing is that you are confident in yourself - that will take you where you need to go on this journey.  My best wishes for you in your search.  P.S.  Don't feel crazy if you go back and forth with the guilty feelings.  We all do - I still do at times.  I still kiss Jimmy's picture when I'm lonely or hurt and cry out to him.  It's normal.

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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on February 4, 2012 at 3:51pm

Hey Marly!  Good to see you still pop in here now and then. Have you finished your book?

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Permalink Reply by Marly on February 5, 2012 at 5:32pm

Hi, Diane!

I miss you guys!!  NO, I have not finished my book.  To be honest, it is currently on the back burner.  Way too much "stuff" going on the last few months.  I'll get back to it sooner or later.  I have an adult son who has schizophrenia - has been taking all my energy to deal with that right now.   I like this particular thread, because we are all virtually the same, have the same feelings, situations.  It's good that those of us who have widowed longer can help the newer ones with this.  Dating is not easy after what we have been through.  I recently have met a man who seems to be head over heels for me.  Time will tell if I get to that stage or not.  You know me - I'm gun shy when it comes to handing my heart over.  It's gonna go in bits and pieces.  If he's the guy that put the puzzle pieces together and come up with a big, strong heart that beats for him, I'll be a happy girl.  If not, well then, guess he's Mr. Right Now.  LOL

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Permalink Reply by cantorsue on February 5, 2012 at 2:41pm

I love your response, Marly!  You could be describing me to a T - I'm even the same age as you, although Mike died April 7, 2009.  When people who haven't seen me for while express surprise that I've been dating, I respond "Mike died, I didn't". 

I gave away much of Mike's clothing shortly after he died.  The house fell apart and I've spent a year redoing it.  As I just cleaned my house and washed the sheets to get rid of the negative energy that my last relationship left behind, it occurred to me that the reason I still keep all Mike's nick-knacks (like his glasses, penknife, etc) in his nightstand is because I still want his energy in my bedroom, but it doesn't stop me bringing in someone else.  Mike told me that if he died, he wanted me to find someone who would love me as much as he did - when I told him that no one could love me the way he did, he said "how could they not?"  What an empowering gift that was. It allows me to date without guilt.  But in my heart, I know I was right.  I married Mike when I was 22 and we grew up together.  The next Mr. Right will be responding to a 56 year old Sue who doesn't have the same needs as the 22 year old, and I believe the relationship will be entirely different as will the way of loving.  New love doesn't fix.  We have to fix ourselves first to meet that new love.

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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on March 17, 2013 at 5:11pm

Andrea- how wonderful for you that you have an interest in someone.  I hope the cheating feeling goes away for you soon.  My husband told me during his last months of life as he battled cancer that I needed to find someone to love, that I was a good woman, and he wanted me to be happy. I couldn't bear to hear his words that day because it hurt too much to think of life without him. However, in retrospect, I see that he was giving me a gift. He wanted me to know that he wanted me to find a man who would love me and care for me.  

I wish I had your courage because I had a crush on a guy in bereavement group, but he did not always attend. Then the next time I saw him, it was his last time attending. He lives too far from me anyhow.

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Permalink Reply by mrmsb on February 4, 2012 at 2:38pm

This topic came around just in time!  

I recently hit the 6month mark, and have been getting the occasional craving for a physical connection...and feeling like an absolute scumbag for it.

Nice to know other people are in the same boat, and that its not just me going crazy.

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Permalink Reply by Jerry on February 28, 2012 at 6:17pm

My wife has been gone a little over 2 years and it is natural for me to have a desire for sex. When I acted on this,it was great at first, but then I began feeling remorse and told my lady friend I didn't want to continue this part of our relationship. I have been going to a therapist to discuss this, it seems that it may be that it's not guilt over sex as much as me not wanting to have another committed relationship.

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