In reading the statistics, yeap men remarry quicker and more willing to. The only thing with that study is it clearly addresses older folks. I really would like to study of under 50 years and see what the numbers look like.
@ Doug you are not picking on me :) that is what this is for.
Yeah, I think new love fixed some things in me. Tom passed away in the fall of 2008 - cancer. That first year was brutal. I can remember hitting the 3 month mark, and wondering if I would be alone for the rest of my life. I'm rather glad that the dating sites I trolled turned up no likely candidates. I wasn't ready, but I was so lonely. I backed off, feeling like a reject. I must be too old, too fat, too mundane....got just the winks and then nothing. Or worse. "I live across the country, but you're so great, I'd just pack up and move to be with you (as in, let me move in). Ack!
One guy was IMing me for a short while but I didn't take the bait. His photo had to have been out of a catalog, he was so gorgeous. And according to his messages, he was rich, made his money in off-shore oil futures, was raised in Europe and he still had an accent "which some women thought was sexy". His wife and child died tragically in a car accident. No details. His original profile said he was from Detroit, but when I said he was too far away for me to pursue a relationship, he said he'd forgotten to update his profile to his current city, which placed him 5 miles away. He said he was taking a trip to Africa in a week to set up a foundation to "feed the children" using $650,000 of his own money, and gee, maybe I would like to go along. I said I hated IM and asked if he was available to go out for coffee and a sandwich so we could talk, and he came back with, "whoa! Let's not move so fast!" I replied that since he'd just asked me if I wanted to go to africa, I didn't think coffee and a sandwich was pushing it, and I ended our discussions. I still don't know if he just considered himself a romeo and liked to string women along, or if he was looking for me to invest money in his "african foundation". I became gun shy and stuck with hugging the pillows and using a vibrator. Impersonal but reliable.
After I hit the 3 year mark I was begging God to send me the right someone to help me through the rest of my life. My mother and MIL were both widowed young and neither one remarried. (After 6 months alone, my MIL told me that if I found the right someone, it was really alright if I got married again; that if I picked them, they had to be good, and she gave me her blessing to go looking. She was a wonderful lady.)
I did find love again. When people asked me where, I said I ordered him online. :-) We met on CatholicMatch and it has been wonderful. I was really apprehensive about the sex. It'd been a l-o-n-g time since anybody had seen this body naked, and at 60, it wasn't anywhere near a beauty queen. Frankly it helped that he is overweight too,, and I figured he wouldn't look so good without his clothes either. But, when it came right down to it, it didn't matter a bit. He hadn't had sex in 14 years (there are VOLUMES I could write about his late wife) so whatever way I touched him was fine with him. And the feeling of being in the warm arms of a loving, wonderful man. Wow, incredible.
We've been married 13 months now, and it is wonderful (and the sex is still fantastic). He is the love of my life. I loved my first husband, really did, but when you marry and have kids and careers and houses to fix and have to save for college educations and retirement, the loving sometimes get lost and muddled in day to day living. You start again with a fresh slate with someone who's not forgotten to pick up the kids after ball practice, or who left the laundry and dishes for you to do, yada, yada, yada. Going it alone for awhile really opened my eyes (and his) to what was important and we don't keep score. We're more considerate of each other's feelings and wishes, because we now understand exactly what we stand to lose.
My son suggested that when I die, I get cremated, so they can put half my ashes next to Tom, and the other half next to Russ. I think it's a great idea because I can't imagine what my life would have been like without both of them in it. I hope this phase lasts a long, long time.
Don't give up. The only other possible candidates I met online were men that I actually got the nerve to call and talk to over the phone after a few brief emails. So hard to get banter right in typed communcation. One was as dry as dust, only wanted to talk about his investments (and they didn't sound like he'd had much common sense on some of them). I thought if I had to remain alone for the rest of my life or listen to him go on and on about his savings, I would just stay alone. The other guy was a retired cop from Detroit who was probably was a nice guy, but had gotten a bit jaded after that many years dealing with the scummier side of a big city. I like positive.
I was glad that Russ and I had emailed for about 6 weeks before we met. He wrote so well, insiteful and expressive it was hard to believe he was into engineering. From his picture he wasn't much to look at - it had been taken from an odd angle and his head looked way too small. I am no prize however and rarely photograph well. (There was one photo back in 1977 that turned out pretty nice, but I felt I had to use something more current.) I am one of those ladies you would never call beautiful, but who are perhaps striking, kind of like Bea Arthur on Golden Girls (without the expensive clothes). It was nervewracking preparing for our first meet, and yet he was so easy to talk to and we had so much in common. I guess that the upside of having to fill out those surveys and essays on the dating site is that you get a pretty extensive resume to review! :-) I didn't know at first that every time I went back to review his profile, to troll it for more information, he got a notice that I'd just viewed his profile, again! I finally printed it out so he wouldn't know how often I looked at it. Afterwards, I found that he'd done the same thing!
All things happen in their own time. As Sonny says in The Best Exotice Marigold Hotel: Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end
What a lovely post. I am not yet at the 4 month mark since Gary died, but this is my 2nd time widowed, the first time in 1990. It was 17 years after my first husband died before I met Gary, and yes, experienced some potential scammers along the way. I read your previous post about the guy with the charity...lol. Of course guys get taken for a ride as well as us women. So glad you have found someone again, and gives me hope that maybe sometime in the future I will as well.
What a sweet story Mary! I, too, am engaged to a widower. It is a totally different experience than the first go round. We, too, spent 6 weeks texting/emailing/talking before we met in person (3000 miles apart!). Even though he is an engineer :), I wouldn't trade him in for the world! You're right, there is no keeping score. We realize each day is a blessing and a gift!!! Congratulations to you and Russ!!!!
What a great quote:
As Sonny says in The Best Exotice Marigold Hotel: Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end
I met my new love through a quirk of fate. Someone on a brain injury chat room told me about GROWW, a grief recovery site, so I went there. I was there for quite a while, and one day one of the widows asked where I lived. I told her, and it turned out we lived 40 miles apart. I had always been impressed by her caring and compassion for others on the site. I suggested we meet for lunch to put a face with the name.
It was a little awkward for both of us, since neither of us had a date since 1962!
Well we enjoyed each others company, and i suggested we meet again for lunch. plus, both being widowed, we understood the pain of our losses.
Well, as time went by, and the lunches turned to dinners, we felt a connection with each other.
We were married in 2007 on the Island of Santorini, just the 2 of us. Both of her sons have accepted me, and I thrilled about that.