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I have a pattern where I'm very sad and crying in the morning. By lunch time I'm usually OK and often in the afternoons I might be happy and normal. I can get lots done in the afternoon and evening. But mornings are devastating. Does anyone else have a pattern like this? What do you do to cope? I assume it's something to do with circadian rhythm because I had it before my wife got sick, but not nearly this bad-- I was just slow getting started in my day, not what I would call depression though. Grief has made it 100 times worse.

I have tried: Walking for two hours each morning, getting on the phone with a friend (sometimes while walking), checking in the chat room here, and writing. Everything mitigates my sadness but only a little. I wish there was a real solution!

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Hello Anna,

I am sorry about your sad mornings. I do have a pattern but it is different. From about 4 PM until around 7 pm I struggle. That isn't to say that I never have sad mornings or sadness at mid-day for that matter, but late afternoon early evening hours are the most difficult. I have attributed it to the fact that we began to wind down from our day together around then and enjoyed a glass of wine on the deck while we watched the day fade and we talked. We just enjoyed one another's company and it was my husband's favorite time of day. I think my missing him so desperately is intensified by memories of our sharing that time. So for me, there is a purely emotional component to the pattern. I wonder if time will truly help...and if so how much time will it take?

Thanks for checking in Averysmom. Is there anything you do from 4 to 7pm to mitigate this? 

Honestly I just try to keep busy. If I'm in a social mood....which is rare these days....I can find friends willing to share that time, to have dinner with me, etc. But if it's a just a stay at home evening, which most are right now, I try to find a project that will occupy my mind and wear out my body for rest later. I take Avery for a walk or play fetch with him, paint, declutter...anything that keeps me moving. It isn't foolproof but it's the best I've come up with. The one thing I can't do is go out onto my deck where we spent so much time. I go out there to water my flowers and to have morning coffee but not in the evenings. It sends me into a tailspin.

Hi Anna,

   I use have a very odd sleeping pattern. About the first 2 months after Paul passed away, I kept waking at 3 AM no matter what. I would wake up suddenly from a sound sleep, look at the clock and it would be 3 am. But now I'm sleeping much better. 



Yes.  I am 3-1/2 years into this and I wake up on about half my mornings with a vague feeling of disappointment.  I think that I am very often dreaming that my husband never died and there were never the problems that we had.  I don't remember these dreams in the morning, but the feeling of disappointment tells me that I had them.  

Yesterday I had a really good day.  I got my hair done.  I made an appointment to have my always-a-problem eyebrows shaped for the first time.  I came home and made some side dishes to take to a neighborhood cookout in the evening.  I met some friends at an Irish pub that has a traditional session on Saturday afternoons.  I came home and went to the cookout.  It was a good day from a good life.

I woke up this morning and have not been able to stop crying since I got up.  I know that there was an unusually good dream last night, even though I don't remember it.  I know because I don't usually start crying the minute I get up, feel unable to stop, and just want to go back to bed.

One thing about MY process is that I have never really had that extended I Don't Want To Get Out Of Bed time.  I hit a wall around 9 months in but mostly I have been soldiering on for the last 3-1/2 years.  I've been doing that because my job won't permit me to fall apart, and because grief is such a huge thing that I haven't been able to cope with it.  So perhaps I am going through this longer than most people as a result.

I think sometimes we dream that we have our old life, that all this never happened.  And when we wake up, reality hits.  Our dreams are wish-fulfillment, and our waking hours are reality.  And every time we have that wish-fulfillment dream, it's like we are back at square one when we wake up the next day.

Yes, mornings are the worst for me. Every morning I have to face a reality I don't want to face. I wake up and then realize what's the point? Once I finally drag myself out of bed I am really depressed all morning. About lunch time, on an ok day, is when I feel like I can pick up on where I left off the day before. Not with anything productive, but that I have re-realized my new reality and can somehow continue on this horrible grief journey I don't want to be on.

I did the same as you ...

Grief would not allow me to do anything till the afternoon when the grief for the day was discharged; it's purdy much a daily event for some time ...

The more it's released, the more changes you will notice in yourself even if its faintly ...

Grief can be like a cyclical pattern of revisiting old issues, but for every time it comes around your feelings may have changed from the last visit as well as how grief was expressed ...

Go w/it, then do what you're able to ...

Keep reminding yourself it will end ...

Yes, so hard to get going in the mornings.  Good for you walking 2 hours.  Some days takes hours just to get dressed.  for some reason only the evenings are tolerable, not sure why as I am by myself all day.  Well, with my pets.  Without them i wouldn't bother with anything.

I also had the same issue for a very long time and don't get me started on weekends.  One therapist told me to try something and I can't remember if it worked or not (darn widow brain).  You know how we are creatures of habit she said to do my normal routine differently, it might distract your brain.  

Mornings are very hard for me. I can't function until around noon. If it wasn't for my wife's bloodhound I wouldn't get up or dressed at all. I promised my wife Mollie would continue to be spoiled just as she spoiled her. Thank God I have that slobbering little girl.

Awwww I love this. My dog gets me out of the house. It's a great thing.

Amen! Without my mini Schnauzer Avery, who was my husband's baby, I would likely not have gotten out of the house the first month. Fretting over and trying to help him wound up helping me. Something to be grateful for.


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