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What a rough day for all of us here in Widville!!! I read several of us are really struggling and sent messages of encouragement to some on my "friend list" and wishing there was something I could do to help them. I'm a fixer type and wish I could fix everyone's losses, and problems. Since that's not reality best I can offer is encouraging words and a couple ears to listen with. Kinda gives me a helpless feeling.

So I decided to post this for all. No need to limit to those on my "friend list". Maybe there's more fixers and good listeners besides me in Widville and we all can get through the day.

Lastly I'm going to upload one of those daily quote things to my photos and try to learn from it myself.

Peace and healing for all.

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Doug, LOVE your quote! I tried to enter the day with no expectations, but still came away frustrated, restless, angry, and mostly tired!! Going bak to work tomorrow after a week off. Hopefully the routine will bring some welcome calm!

Love your quote! I found you on another thread a few weeks ago and have been wondering how are your daughters doing now? Especially the one who wasn't eating much. I'm a fixer, too, if you didn't guess by that earlier post. Be patient with yourself and the girls.

Thanks Barbee

Daughter with autism is still not eating well or what I'd call normal for me. She is eating some. Her therapy center is tracking her eating habits there and soon will be sending home like tracking measures for me to gather data as well. They not only track what foods, amount of food at start and amount consumed, but also her behaviors too.

Youngest daughter needed a lot of Dad time last night. We discussed a lot of the things that were making us sad. Got a lot of tears out of here finally.

Oddly today wasn't as hard as yesterday.  We have always hosted the Easter gathering at our home and Brian would help with all the prep work on the Saturday before, cleaning etc.  So yesterday was my bad day, I missed him so deeply it surprised me.  Today I was surrounded by friends and family filled with love who let me be sad when I needed to and were there when I needed to laugh too.  I hope everyone else had a peaceful day today as well!

I wasn't going to go to my brothers house, but I did not want to lay around the house all day either. So I forced myself into going. I got through it allright and I am glad I went, mainly because my Sister-in-law has cancer and I wanted to give support in any way  I can(they tried to encourage us when Alisa was battling her cancer). Beyond that, it was just a so-so day. There are many extended family members who were there that I barely know and vice-versa. But that is fine, everyone was cordial and it was all pretty laid back. The point is I would have felt much worse if I had not gone.

Today started out worse than I had imagined it would be. Had 3-emotional meltdowns in the 1st hour. Everywhere I looked I kept seeing things "WE DID" for our girls on Easter. Now our girls are too old 13 & 16 to still be hunting easter eggs, but I wasn't going to stop this year.

Went to my side of family for get-together like always. Was outside hunting more Easter eggs when our oldest daughter with Autism led me our vehicle and stood beside her door. I thought I'd said something & sent her mixed signals so I took her back to hunt more eggs. After hunt back inside parents house I gave her a snack. When she got done she got up from table and slowly headed back to door, checking in with me to make sure I was following. Then it was back to vehicle. So she and I left early.

Then youngest daughter needed some Dad time tonight & was her turn for tears. What a day!

I spent yesterday all alone and in tears most of the day.  I was angry and hurt because no one got in touch to just say hi or to see how I was doing.  I posted this on my FB page this morning:

"let me preface this post by saying that it is not meant to make people feel sorry for me. It is meant to help other people who might be widow(er)s or to those who have no family. The well-meaning statement "call if you need anything" is not helpful. How can a widow call people who are happy with their families, celebrating life events, posting wonderful pictures of their happy moments to say "I am all alone. I am sad. I am hurting." I don't grudge people their happiness. Just the opposite. I would not wish the hell of losing the one person who is most important to them on anyone. I can honestly say that when someone I know is sick or hurting, I call, email, or text to check on that person. I know "call if you need anything" puts the burden of reaching out onto the very person who feels that others should reach out to him/her. It's a cop-out.

Yesterday was one of those kinds of days for me. No one reached out. No one called, emailed, texted. I would not wish that feeling--the feeling of thinking that no one really cares at all about me--on anyone. I have never felt as alone as I did yesterday. And no, I didn't call because I needed something. What I needed was for someone to reach out to me. Call people. Text them. Email. Something. Don't let them sit alone somewhere and think that no one cares. There is no worse feeling in the world.

I am trying very, very hard not to become bitter and angry. Yesterday was the first day that I failed at that goal. Terry used to quote Yoda's statement a lot: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” He was right."

Denise

I'm so sorry about yesterday. I wish I'd posted this sooner!

YOUR EXPERIENCE YESTERDAY WAS JUST WHY I PUT THIS OUT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I'M SO SORRY FOR YOU, THIS IS TOO LITTLE TOO LATE!

That is one of the worst hells there is. You were damned if you do and damned if you did not reach out for help. As you already said, you shouldn't have had to be the one reaching out!

I had sent a couple private emails to Widville "friends" I had not seen the usual post/comments from just to check in with them & hopefully not creep them out (some guy they don't know but "friended"). Then it occurred to me to broaden this genuine (fixer personslity) concern for everyone on here. I look at this website and it's members like close friends and try to speak/message all here as such. I know I probably need to quit this as it 1) opens me up to vulnerability an 2) invites the creep factor since I'm one of the few men on here. Not saying it shouldn't put you ladies on guard; this world isn't as safe as it use to be. I understand this and don't hold anything against someone that does get alarmed. I try not to alarm or creep folks out.

Will try to contact you later if its OK.

Doug
I can relate to the feeling of loneliness & feeling forgotten on holidays. My husband died in Dec 2010. The first few holidays family would reach out & ask me to events. Then it seemed like no one thought to include me & I sat alone at home often in tears. My husband & I were close & didn't really have any friends outside of family. I felt like my family should be calling me more frequently & understand how much I still grieved the loss of my husband. It has taken me several years & help with therapy & this web site to understand. No one but me knows how much pain I still feel, and I can't expect other people to read my mind. I am still trying to get better at reaching out when I need someone to talk to. I am now taking small steps to get out & make new friends. Each day is still a challenge, I lost my job last fall due restructuring. So I try to keep busy looking for a job, & doing some volunteer work. While I am now at home alone, my 2 children & one of my sister's are there when I need someone. We are all here to support each other.

Easter was rough. My first holiday without my husband, I mean our first holiday (i have a 12 year old and a 14 year old). My birthday was 10 days after Jeff died, I didn't really celebrate that. The Easter bunny did not come (couldnt afford it). We went to church. Came home and slept. Cooking a dinner was out of the question since we just got back into our house and still need to unpack. Plus, Jeff loved the dishes I made on Easter. I only made these specific dishes on holidays. I don't know if I will be able to again. I know I "need" to be stronger for my kids and I "need" to celebrate these holidays to keep a sense of normalcy in our life. But it is hard. Especially when finances are so tight. Mothers Day is next. I know my kids will do whatever they can to make the day special, but I will still miss my husbands special omelet he always made me, with my kids help of course. Do holidays ever get easier?

All of these posts are amazing and so easy to relate to. Thanks, Doug for giving us a place to vent! I also found it humbling - to have 4 siblings within an hour's drive of me and not one of them asked me what the girls and I were doing for Easter. Our family tradition was to spend the day with my husband's family - a 4 hour drive away. We'd spend the weekend and hang out with his parents. That was also out of the question this year as my MIL is battling lung cancer and on chemo treatments - didn't feel well enough to host anyone or travel. Even though I declined, a very good friend sent me an e-vite to her family's gathering...a month prior.  Some people get it, and some people don't. I have found that a lot of the time, the people I expect to get it, like my family, are the ones who disappoint - and sometimes friends that we don't expect are the ones who really know us and try to empathize. I feel like the holidays are just one more day to 'fake it' and tell everyone we are doing fine. In reality, lots of sadness, behavior issues, and a general emptiness fills the day.  We ended up going to church, spending time at the cemetery and eating at a restaurant. Happy, lonely, Easter...# 3. Truth is, I can't even remember what we did the last 2 years...I can only remember Easter 2011 - the last one we were together for. Yeesh!! Time to dust off the woes and look for brighter days... 

 

My roses

This has been the worst Easter I can remember... the emptiness. So since the day before Good Friday - everything started to well up inside... and its still going today.  I was up really late and all the songs were about your loved one sailing out of the harbour to war, or similar.  This morning my Lady Chaplain arrived to journey with me.  I thought she was not coming today - as I had not heard from her - and it was ANZAC DAY!!   The day that remembers all the Australian and New Zealand soldiers etc lost in the wars.

But she had been to a dawn service and then came to my home.  We ended up in the garden talking as we went.  She said  how about we trim some of the roses.  These are rose bushes Wes gave me in 2011 for christmas.  This is how I got the name My Roses.  So she said it was symbolic we were doing this pruning off the old twigs and branches, some of which had died, and allowing the new buds to blossom.   So like you I remember 2011 when Wes and I went to the flower nursery and chose these beautiful rose bushes of many colours and perfume.  She has the view that there is no time limit for grief and it should not be made into a diagnosis of illness or abnormality. She understands the love of your life relationship and I told her I had this constant yearning that did not go away.  Yes, the people you expect to care or help do not.   I did have a male friend of ours who rang from UK a day or so ago and chatted and who understands quite a lot about  the grief we L o Life feel.   I find it very difficult lately to cope with this  yearning, tears or whatever that just erupt out of nowhere.  I talk to Wes every day and  notice days when he is present and some where I sense he is doing 'other things'.  He has told me some of the things that he does - indicating he is learning more new things. Sending you love and many blessings...  this journey is so demanding.

 

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