Love your quote! I found you on another thread a few weeks ago and have been wondering how are your daughters doing now? Especially the one who wasn't eating much. I'm a fixer, too, if you didn't guess by that earlier post. Be patient with yourself and the girls.
Oddly today wasn't as hard as yesterday. We have always hosted the Easter gathering at our home and Brian would help with all the prep work on the Saturday before, cleaning etc. So yesterday was my bad day, I missed him so deeply it surprised me. Today I was surrounded by friends and family filled with love who let me be sad when I needed to and were there when I needed to laugh too. I hope everyone else had a peaceful day today as well!
I wasn't going to go to my brothers house, but I did not want to lay around the house all day either. So I forced myself into going. I got through it allright and I am glad I went, mainly because my Sister-in-law has cancer and I wanted to give support in any way I can(they tried to encourage us when Alisa was battling her cancer). Beyond that, it was just a so-so day. There are many extended family members who were there that I barely know and vice-versa. But that is fine, everyone was cordial and it was all pretty laid back. The point is I would have felt much worse if I had not gone.
I spent yesterday all alone and in tears most of the day. I was angry and hurt because no one got in touch to just say hi or to see how I was doing. I posted this on my FB page this morning:
"let me preface this post by saying that it is not meant to make people feel sorry for me. It is meant to help other people who might be widow(er)s or to those who have no family. The well-meaning statement "call if you need anything" is not helpful. How can a widow call people who are happy with their families, celebrating life events, posting wonderful pictures of their happy moments to say "I am all alone. I am sad. I am hurting." I don't grudge people their happiness. Just the opposite. I would not wish the hell of losing the one person who is most important to them on anyone. I can honestly say that when someone I know is sick or hurting, I call, email, or text to check on that person. I know "call if you need anything" puts the burden of reaching out onto the very person who feels that others should reach out to him/her. It's a cop-out.
Yesterday was one of those kinds of days for me. No one reached out. No one called, emailed, texted. I would not wish that feeling--the feeling of thinking that no one really cares at all about me--on anyone. I have never felt as alone as I did yesterday. And no, I didn't call because I needed something. What I needed was for someone to reach out to me. Call people. Text them. Email. Something. Don't let them sit alone somewhere and think that no one cares. There is no worse feeling in the world.
I am trying very, very hard not to become bitter and angry. Yesterday was the first day that I failed at that goal. Terry used to quote Yoda's statement a lot: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” He was right."
Easter was rough. My first holiday without my husband, I mean our first holiday (i have a 12 year old and a 14 year old). My birthday was 10 days after Jeff died, I didn't really celebrate that. The Easter bunny did not come (couldnt afford it). We went to church. Came home and slept. Cooking a dinner was out of the question since we just got back into our house and still need to unpack. Plus, Jeff loved the dishes I made on Easter. I only made these specific dishes on holidays. I don't know if I will be able to again. I know I "need" to be stronger for my kids and I "need" to celebrate these holidays to keep a sense of normalcy in our life. But it is hard. Especially when finances are so tight. Mothers Day is next. I know my kids will do whatever they can to make the day special, but I will still miss my husbands special omelet he always made me, with my kids help of course. Do holidays ever get easier?
All of these posts are amazing and so easy to relate to. Thanks, Doug for giving us a place to vent! I also found it humbling - to have 4 siblings within an hour's drive of me and not one of them asked me what the girls and I were doing for Easter. Our family tradition was to spend the day with my husband's family - a 4 hour drive away. We'd spend the weekend and hang out with his parents. That was also out of the question this year as my MIL is battling lung cancer and on chemo treatments - didn't feel well enough to host anyone or travel. Even though I declined, a very good friend sent me an e-vite to her family's gathering...a month prior. Some people get it, and some people don't. I have found that a lot of the time, the people I expect to get it, like my family, are the ones who disappoint - and sometimes friends that we don't expect are the ones who really know us and try to empathize. I feel like the holidays are just one more day to 'fake it' and tell everyone we are doing fine. In reality, lots of sadness, behavior issues, and a general emptiness fills the day. We ended up going to church, spending time at the cemetery and eating at a restaurant. Happy, lonely, Easter...# 3. Truth is, I can't even remember what we did the last 2 years...I can only remember Easter 2011 - the last one we were together for. Yeesh!! Time to dust off the woes and look for brighter days...
This has been the worst Easter I can remember... the emptiness. So since the day before Good Friday - everything started to well up inside... and its still going today. I was up really late and all the songs were about your loved one sailing out of the harbour to war, or similar. This morning my Lady Chaplain arrived to journey with me. I thought she was not coming today - as I had not heard from her - and it was ANZAC DAY!! The day that remembers all the Australian and New Zealand soldiers etc lost in the wars.
But she had been to a dawn service and then came to my home. We ended up in the garden talking as we went. She said how about we trim some of the roses. These are rose bushes Wes gave me in 2011 for christmas. This is how I got the name My Roses. So she said it was symbolic we were doing this pruning off the old twigs and branches, some of which had died, and allowing the new buds to blossom. So like you I remember 2011 when Wes and I went to the flower nursery and chose these beautiful rose bushes of many colours and perfume. She has the view that there is no time limit for grief and it should not be made into a diagnosis of illness or abnormality. She understands the love of your life relationship and I told her I had this constant yearning that did not go away. Yes, the people you expect to care or help do not. I did have a male friend of ours who rang from UK a day or so ago and chatted and who understands quite a lot about the grief we L o Life feel. I find it very difficult lately to cope with this yearning, tears or whatever that just erupt out of nowhere. I talk to Wes every day and notice days when he is present and some where I sense he is doing 'other things'. He has told me some of the things that he does - indicating he is learning more new things. Sending you love and many blessings... this journey is so demanding.