November 2019 is when I lost my wife to cancer. A long miserable battle for her. At 58 we were just starting to think about retirement and the future. Weeks before she passed I cried without reservation. At her funeral, I cried. I didn't make a scene but it was a very sad moment in my life. My mother-in-law didn't cry and she commented that I shouldn't either. Two months later she told me she hasn't cried at all.
I haven't cried like this since I was a child. My emotions are all out of whack. A sad moment in a movie or a great rendition of the the Star Spangle Banner can open the flood gates for me. I can be driving and hear a song or see a sight we both shared and the tears begin.
How do I get control of this? When will the pain of loss stop turning into tears? I love the phrase that tears are unspoken words from the heart.
SoreEyes. Stay hydrated and let the tears flow. You recently lost the person you love most and what is happening is normal grief. Fresh, mournful, painful grief. Your mother in law was wrong to tell you not to cry. And if anyone else makes thoughtless comments ignore them. They are clueless. Take care of yourself first. You must do this to start the healing---however long it takes...a couple of months is no time at all. Grief has NO TIMETABLE. You can't hurry it along or try to put it on the back burner. Go ahead and cry. Share your story in a safe place. Get as much sleep as possible for now. Eat well even if not hungry. Do small things that bring you joy. Turn to your faith...every one will die...everyone...so live today to see and share beauty and the joy of memory...to still learn and to help others. Step by step and one moment at a time doing these things will dry your tears and help you to move forward with fewer tears as time passes. I mark 8 years this coming March. I still miss him and I still cry etc. but I do try to find truth and beauty in every day. I will not tell you it gets better or easier but I can say with certainty it will change! You will learn to cope. One day the tears will only trickle down your cheeks and opening floodgates will no longer bring tearful flooding. The sweetness of your memories will stay with you forever even after the tearfulness lessens. No one can tell you when it will stop---but it will. Once you have wept enough you will no longer have sore eyes. You will by then have bright eyes with which to greet your days. And at the end of the day as you close your eyes you will be assured that great love lasts forever and peacefully reflecting on this truth will bring you peace and healing comfort. laurajay
Thanks Laurajay for your kind words.
I look forward to finding beauty in each day. Some days though, I cant wait for it to be over and maybe the next day will be better. Time used to fly by but lately it drags on at a slow pace. I try to think of good memories but often find myself rehashing her last days. Often this throws me back down that hole of grief. I then start all over with climbing back out of it. Sunday's were the day we devoted to each other. It was our fun day to spend as we liked but most importantly with each other. I try now to occupy myself with chores and projects to distract my thoughts. It doesn't work all of the time.
Time seems to be the answer. Wish there was a magic wand to make it all go away.
remember...you never get "over it". Never. What happens is you go through it with pain for as long as your grief lasts. As I said TIME is the avenue you take to get through it....yield to time with your grief and know it is a process with no magic wand. Good to stay busy when you can. lj
I have kept my distance from my mother-in-law but after 34 years, I feel obligated to keep talking with her. 10 weeks today since my wife passed away and I have been weepy all day.
Soreeyes, I know it can be hard to break through all the ideas about what we are supposed to do, but you really, really are NOT required to keep talking with her. Like most of us, you probably do not actually have the energy to interact with anyone who is not helping and supporting you right now. In the first year, you have a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to any social interactions. I hereby give you the right to block people on social media, respond slowly or not at all to attempts to contact you, skip events with or without warning, leave early, lie about something urgent that you must get to in order to exit painful conversations, say no without excuse, turn around and walk the other way when someone you spot someone you don't want to talk to, and generally do whatever you need to in order to save your precious energy and heart as much pain as possible.
I promised myself a few months after my partner died that I would love and protect myself as fiercely as he had done for me in life. Do that thing.
Thanks Melissa, you sound like a very caring person. I appreciate the get-out-of-jail free card idea. So many times, I want to turn around to avoid confrontation. The thing is that people don't know what to say and things can be awkward for both of us. Talking about my wife is good for me but sometimes it can get very very choking for me. Unfortunately this catches us both off guard but after a few deep breaths I am able to muddle my way thru the rest of the conversation.
Boy, I thought Valentines Day was going to be hard for me. But I surprised myself and managed to get through it without any problem. Lots and lots of deep breaths and sighs help the most.
Sore Eyes,Grieving is hard. The pain is deep and our emotions can be impossible to control at times. Crying is normal. You have to deal with this and it’s a whole lot better that you deal with it now. Suppressing grief is not a good thing, you need to feel horrible pain in order to heal. I cried every day for a very long time. I wore sunglasses a lot whenever I went out because I never knew when or if I would lose control. You can only do the best you can, don’t worry what others might think. I think it’s unusual her mother sheds no tears. I guess we’re all different but we should never try comparing ourselves to others or the other way around. Maybe some people are able to recover in a year or two but for most people, it takes a whole lot longer. You will get through this, the first year or two is both painful and confusing. In time, you will learn to be happy again. Try keeping that in mind. We can have positive thoughts even in our darkest moments.
Thanks Callie, you know the biggest emotion I miss is laughter. It was my goal everyday to make my wife laugh even before cancer entered into our lives. I was usually successful in getting a laugh or a smile or a roll of the eyes plus a SMH from her. Humor provided a special bond for us and in may cases it was unique to only us. We shared many inside jokes that spanned many years. Humor makes happiness. I miss that so much.
Yes I understand completely. My husband and I shared the same sense of humor too. Even though it’s been several years, I actually can recall the first time I laughed after his passing. It just felt darned good! It was in the presence of a couple of childhood friends— the one has always said what’s on her mind and it’s often comical.
My husband had a way of making me laugh even when he did something to annoy me. He always knew how to push my buttons and would try to do that sometimes and in the end, we end up laughing. Say, in time you will relive some of these moments and laugh again. Right now, sadness is in front but it won’t stay that way forever. Those special moments have a way of rising to the top and you might even want to talk about it with family and friends.
While there is nothing anyone can say or do after a loss, I just want to bring attention to hope. There is a lot learned from grief, at least in my opinion. I have gained a new perspective of life in general in a more positive way. When we find someone so special, that is one of the greatest gifts in life we can experience. Of course we never stop missing them but what they have added to our lives is worth the pain. Another thing, another gift. For each day we are given, we need to be thankful. That’s something that becomes even more obvious to those of us who are older. Wishing you peace...
Hi SoreEyes, As everyone has said, you are grieving and you are still raw. I was 59 when my husband died at 61 from cancer. I am now in my 7th year and as someone said, it is different but less weepy. Though I cry at a sad movie or book.
This may be too soon but it might help you get through all the firsts in the coming year. I had a widow friend who when I shared that I didn't know how I was going to get through a specific anniversary, she said - Think of something that made you laugh together. Well that was easy - I immediately thought of the time we were moving a mattress downstairs and somehow I got all wrapped up in it! We both totally dissolved into laughter (after he determined I was OK of course). I began to laugh - it was probably the first belly laugh I had had since he died!
Short answer: You have no control and that is just fine. Cry as much as you need to.