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November 2019 is when I lost my wife to cancer.  A long miserable battle for her.  At 58 we were just starting to think about retirement and the future.  Weeks before she passed I cried without reservation. At her funeral, I cried. I didn't make a scene but it was a very sad moment in my life.  My mother-in-law didn't cry and she commented that I shouldn't either.  Two months later she told me she hasn't cried at all. 

I haven't cried like this since I was a child.  My emotions are all out of whack.  A sad moment in a movie or a great rendition of the the Star Spangle Banner can open the flood gates for me.  I can be driving and hear a song or see a sight we both shared and the tears begin.

How do I get control of this?  When will the pain of loss stop turning into tears?  I love the phrase that tears are unspoken words from the heart. 

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SoreEyes.   Stay hydrated  and let  the  tears flow.  You  recently  lost the  person you  love most and what is happening  is normal  grief.  Fresh, mournful, painful  grief.  Your mother in law  was  wrong  to  tell  you  not  to  cry.  And  if anyone else  makes  thoughtless  comments  ignore  them.  They are  clueless.  Take care  of  yourself  first.  You must do this to start  the  healing---however  long it takes...a couple of months is no  time at  all.  Grief  has  NO TIMETABLE.   You  can't hurry it along  or try to put it  on the back burner. Go ahead  and  cry. Share  your story  in a safe  place.  Get  as much sleep  as  possible  for now. Eat  well  even if  not hungry.  Do small things that  bring you  joy.  Turn  to  your  faith...every  one  will live  today  to see and share  beauty  and  the  joy of still learn and to  help  others. Step by step  and one moment  at a time  doing  these  things  will  dry  your  tears and  help   you  to move  forward with  fewer  tears  as time passes.  I  mark  8  years  this coming  March.  I  still  miss  him  and  I  still  cry etc.  but  I  do try  to  find truth  and  beauty  in every day.  I  will  not tell you  it  gets  better  or  easier but  I  can say with certainty  it  will change!   You  will learn to cope.  One day  the tears  will only trickle down  your cheeks  and opening floodgates  will no longer bring  tearful flooding.  The sweetness  of your memories will stay with you forever even after the  tearfulness  lessens.  No one can tell you  when it will stop---but it will.  Once  you  have  wept enough  you  will no longer  have sore  eyes.  You  will  by  then have  bright  eyes  with which to greet  your  days. And  at  the end of  the day as  you  close  your  eyes  you  will be  assured  that  great  love lasts forever  and peacefully   reflecting   on this  truth  will  bring  you  peace   and healing   comfort.       laurajay

Thanks Laurajay for your kind words.

I look forward to finding beauty in each day.  Some days though, I cant wait for it to be over and maybe the next day will be better.  Time used to fly by but lately it drags on at a slow pace.  I try to think of good memories but often find myself rehashing her last days.  Often this throws me back down that hole of grief.  I then start all over with climbing back out of it.  Sunday's were the day we devoted to each other.  It was our fun day to spend as we liked but most importantly with each other.  I try now to occupy myself with chores and projects to distract my thoughts.  It doesn't work all of the time.

Time seems to be the answer.  Wish there was a magic wand to make it all go away.  never  get  "over  it".  Never.  What  happens  is  you  go  through  it  with  pain  for as long  as  your  grief  lasts.   As  I  said  TIME  is the  avenue  you take  to  get  through it....yield  to time  with  your  grief  and  know  it is a process  with  no  magic wand.  Good to  stay  busy  when  you  can.   lj

soreeyes i find that crying help me a lot...soothed my pain and after i feel relieved...a bit! so my advice is: cry when you need it...and stay away from your mother-in-law...she has a stone heart! take care of yourself

Thanks Roxi!

I have kept my distance from my mother-in-law but after 34 years, I feel obligated to keep talking with her.  10 weeks today since my wife passed away and I have been weepy all day.    

Soreeyes, I know it can be hard to break through all the ideas about what we are supposed to do, but you really, really are NOT required to keep talking with her. Like most of us, you probably do not actually have the energy to interact with anyone who is not helping and supporting you right now. In the first year, you have a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to any social interactions. I hereby give you the right to block people on social media, respond slowly or not at all to attempts to contact you, skip events with or without warning, leave early, lie about something urgent that you must get to in order to exit painful conversations, say no without excuse, turn around and walk the other way when someone you spot someone you don't want to talk to, and generally do whatever you need to in order to save your precious energy and heart as much pain as possible.


I promised myself a few months after my partner died that I would love and protect myself as fiercely as he had done for me in life. Do that thing.

It may help to remember that grief is not something you can get control of, because it is not something broken or wrong with you. You can't fix it. It's an experience, and as much as it sucks (and hooboy, does it suck!), it's doing it's job of getting you from "I can't believe I lost my person" to "my person is dead, and I know how to live well with that truth."

Personally, I find turning toward my grief helpful in easing the pain of it. Some things I do include talking with friends, journaling, making art, reading blogs, and reading/posting here about my grief and/or my partner.

Thanks Melissa, you sound like a very caring person.  I appreciate the get-out-of-jail free card idea.  So many times, I want to turn around to avoid confrontation.  The thing is that people don't know what to say and things can be awkward for both of us. Talking about my wife is good for me but sometimes it can get very very choking for me.  Unfortunately this catches us both off guard but after a few deep breaths I am able to muddle my way thru the rest of the conversation. 

Boy, I thought Valentines Day was going to be hard for me.  But I surprised myself and managed to get through it without any problem.  Lots and lots of deep breaths and sighs help the most. 

Sore Eyes,Grieving is hard. The pain is deep and our emotions can be impossible to control at times.  Crying is normal.   You have to deal with this and it’s a whole lot better that you deal with it now.  Suppressing grief is not a good thing, you need to feel horrible pain in order to heal.  I cried every day for a very long time.  I wore sunglasses a lot whenever I went out because I never knew when or if I would lose control.  You can only do the best you can, don’t worry what others might think.  I think it’s unusual her mother sheds no tears.   I guess we’re all different but we should never try comparing ourselves to others or the other way around.  Maybe some people are able to recover in a year or two but for most people, it takes a whole lot longer.  You will get through this, the first year or two is both painful and confusing. In time, you will learn to be happy again.  Try keeping that in mind.  We can have positive thoughts even in our darkest moments.

Thanks Callie, you know the biggest emotion I miss is laughter.  It was my goal everyday to make my wife laugh even before cancer entered into our lives.  I was usually successful in getting a laugh or a smile or a roll of the eyes plus a SMH from her.  Humor provided a special bond for us and in may cases it was unique to only us.  We shared many inside jokes that spanned many years.  Humor makes happiness. I miss that so much.  

Yes I understand completely. My husband and I shared the same sense of humor too. Even though it’s been several years, I actually can recall the first time I laughed after his passing.  It just felt darned good!  It was in the presence of a couple of childhood friends— the one has always said what’s on her mind and it’s often comical.

My husband had a way of making me laugh even when he did something to annoy me.  He always knew how to push my buttons and would try to do that sometimes and in the end, we end up laughing.  Say, in time you will relive some of these moments and laugh again.  Right now, sadness is in front but it won’t stay that way forever. Those special moments have a way of rising to the top and you might even want to talk about it with family and friends.

While there is nothing anyone can say or do after a loss, I just want to bring attention to hope.  There is a lot learned from grief, at least in my opinion.  I have gained a new perspective of life in general in a more positive way.  When we find someone so special, that is one of the greatest gifts in life we can experience. Of course we never stop missing them but what they have added to our lives is worth the pain.  Another thing, another gift. For each day we are given, we need to be thankful. That’s something that becomes even more obvious to those of us who are older.  Wishing you peace...

Hi SoreEyes, As everyone has said, you are grieving and you are still raw. I was 59 when my husband died at 61 from cancer. I am now in my 7th year and as someone said, it is different but less weepy. Though I cry at a sad movie or book.

This may be too soon but it might help you get through all the firsts in the coming year. I had a widow friend who when I shared that I didn't know how I was going to get through a specific anniversary, she said - Think of something that made you laugh together. Well that was easy - I immediately thought of the time we were moving a mattress downstairs and somehow I got all wrapped up in it! We both totally dissolved into laughter (after he determined I was OK of course). I began to laugh - it was probably the first belly laugh I had had since he died!

Short answer: You have no control and that is just fine. Cry as much as you need to.



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