November 2019 is when I lost my wife to cancer. A long miserable battle for her. At 58 we were just starting to think about retirement and the future. Weeks before she passed I cried without reservation. At her funeral, I cried. I didn't make a scene but it was a very sad moment in my life. My mother-in-law didn't cry and she commented that I shouldn't either. Two months later she told me she hasn't cried at all.
I haven't cried like this since I was a child. My emotions are all out of whack. A sad moment in a movie or a great rendition of the the Star Spangle Banner can open the flood gates for me. I can be driving and hear a song or see a sight we both shared and the tears begin.
How do I get control of this? When will the pain of loss stop turning into tears? I love the phrase that tears are unspoken words from the heart.
I don't know if this will be of help or not. I did not cry at my husband's funeral. I really think I was just trying to get through the day and all the formalities that go with taking that last ride with your loved one. I think I was also afraid. About three months after his funeral a relative called and what I feared the most happened. I completely broke down and began sobbing uncontrollably. I needed some relief and she understood. It will be two years April 29th. I really don't know how I will react. During the past months I may have had two or three days where I didn't cry or shed a tear. I never know what the trigger will be. Last week a male acquaintance started calling me. He is in our age group and he has been a widower for many years. I think he is interested in extending our friendship. Somehow that annoyed me and I called my youngest son to express my discomfort. Before I knew it I was just bawling. I don't want a relationship with any other man. The man I want is my husband. There are also certain songs that just start the tears flowing. I have read several books and watched various TED talks on grief. I was relieved to discover that I am not crazy. In fact my youngest son told me if I didn't have these crying moments that would concern him more. One thing I have started doing. I carry tissue or a handkerchief with me at all times and in the car. I also have learned when NOT to speak. Last Sunday I visited my three sisters and brother who live in a nearby town. There were other relatives there too. It had been over a year since I had seen them. This had been my choice, not theirs. I resolved to focus on the purpose of the gathering and not to dwell on my current status as a widow. I had even thought about how I would respond to certain questions and I sat a time limit as to when I would leave. It turned out to be very pleasant. They were genuinely glad to see me and the hugs were received with love. Will I ever stop crying? I don't think so....but I believe the overwhelming sadness will one day be overtaken by the gratitude I have for having had such a wonderful man in my life. Take care.
Diva, I understand the feeling of not wanting to get close to another man, especially so soon. You may change your mind in time, or you may not. I thought at one time that I might but now I am sure I am good with the way things are.
There is a certain amount of anxiety that can sometimes accompany grief. I remember trying to be the last to arrive at places just so I could leave quickly if I needed to. I had difficulty holding a conversation, like my mouth and brain were disconnected, I worried that I didn’t always make sense! Going out in public would make my heart race.
Just continue to let the tears flow. There most likely be a lot of bouncing back and fourth—up one day, down the next, it does level off, just be patient.
We have little control over our grief—how long it lasts, the tears, the surprise attacks, the anxiety—all so very frustrating. Maybe it’s our inability to be in control that causes the anxiety. Just believe things will get better and be patient with yourself. I wish you peace.
Thank you. The one thing I am sure about is I have had my Prince Charming. I'm also good with my current status. I have told several family members and friends I don't have a problem being by myself. My challenge is navigating my life without my soulmate. I'm sure you understand what I mean. Again, thank you for your words of encouragement.
Your emotions are under control. I look at my tears as a way to release the pressure of my sadness and loss. I just lost my husband 6 weeks ago today. Tears just pop up randomly from things I never would have thought. There are so many triggers each day. Tonight, our 7 year old grandson had a singing event at school. I was so excited to go, but during their performance, I kept tearing up because I realize my husband wasn't there and wouldn't be there for all of the graduations, football, baseball and soccer games, concerts, performances, etc. I tried to make myself not cry, but you know that's impossible. On the way home, I realized he was there and would be there for every single event with our grandchildren. This made me really cry (not good while driving), but also gave me a release and took my anxiety away. Let your emotions be free and your tears flow. They're real and necessary for now.
17 weeks today since my dear Jim passed away. He was just 62, but had suffered terribly with cancer. He told me he was ready to go, but I was not ready. He died at home in our living room, but he slipped away while I was sleeping on the couch next to him. He was still talking at 2:30 am, said "help me, help me, I've got to go". At 5:00 am I realized that I couldn't hear him breathing. So sad that I missed his actual passing. I seem to cry in the car a lot, not the best idea but can't seem to help it. Trying to switch to counting months instead of weeks, not good at that either. I do feel his presence on many days, my son has felt him many times also. Hard when he is close, hard when I can't feel him close. Take care.
It will be 8 weeks that I lost the love of my life, my precious Christopher age 57. He battled 10 months of an aggressive form of Lymphoma, It was a rollercoaster journey.. Each time we thought "we've got this" we would discover we didn't. Until he ended up having a seizure that landed us in palliative care. Each time he was in the hospital I was right there by his side day and night never leaving the hospital unit. The morning he passed I remember waking up next to him ,, I could hear his breathing had changed and when I got up and walked around the other side of where he was facing to see I caught his last breath and knew he was no longer with me. I called the nurse to come check and his heart had stopped beating … The heart that I would listen to each night as I lay my head on his chest. I remember wrapping my arms around his body and not wanting to ever let him go. I struggle with the fact that he is gone … that someone that was so full of life and love is no longer on this earth... I will no longer be able to see him, laugh with him, go on our long walks together... Miss everything about him but also miss everything about "us". I didn't just lose Chris , I lost who we were as a couple. I like to think he hears me and that he is with me but is that just me trying to find comfort and trying to make it less painful? I cry every day and I know that I will always feel this pain all my life... but I do hope that it gets better and that somehow we can all find our piece of happiness after this horrible heartbreak.
My condolences on your loss, D. Those first months are especially hard as I know you continually relive those last moments in your mind. Your words describe that gut-wrenching pain we all remember feeling. Only time can help you heal but you will eventually find your peace. Have patience and be kind to yourself. Things do improve with time and as life changes for you, it is possible to find happiness.
You are at the beginning of this grief journey. Be kind to yourself. Of course your emotions are all over the place. My doctor explained to me that greiving a spouse is like having major surgery. Your body and mind have to learn how to work through the feelings of grief. SOmeone told me that tears are the jewels of remembrance - then we should all be rich. I never knew someone could cry as often or as hard as I did at first. Gradually, you will learn to control when you grieve. RIght now you can expect that grief waves will hit you hard sometimes. I remember crying at the grocery store when I saw his favorite foods.Eventually, gradually, you will be able to relive the good memories. It takes time.