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Are there any others here ...

... who truly do not want to date?

... who do not feel a need to date?

... who believe they can be content alone?

There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost.  So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.

HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone.  Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.

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You're not the only one, Dianne. I can't ever see myself dating again, either, but I hesitate to say that out loud because my older brother did say it after his wife passed away and he is now dating a lovely woman. My dad also found someone to date and they dated for ten years (before he got cancer) which was great for us kids because we didn't have to worry about him being lonely.

For myself, I had my soul mate in this life time. I have no need to look for another. And I'd been a caregiver for my husband for 11+ years and before that I shared care for my dad for 5 years. I'd worry a great deal about getting into another relationship and becoming a caregiver again. I just couldn't do it again. I loved my husband and my dad with all my heart and don't regret all that I did for them but it's my time now to build a life of my choosing. That new life will include gal pals---I hope---to do things with and getting back to my hobbies that have been on hold for many years. I will have to work as hard at building a new life as I worked at caring for my husband. But I know that being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. I can be content being alone.

"I'd worry a great deal about getting into another relationship and becoming a caregiver again. I just couldn't do it again."


that is what keeps me from dating too.


Never say never but right now I don't want to date


Well said.  I agreee....although if someone does come along it may be a different story......definately male companionship is great.  I still don't know if I would every re-marry - I did say to myself I wouldn't.  But on the other hand - who knows how the future pans out.  I am seeing someone now and we are in the new phase of dating but I am definately enjoying the male companionship if not nothing else.  Also for the boys having another male around is great.

I was a caregiver for my husband and that is a thought that creeps into my mind anytime I think about whether I should venture into dating. I am not thrilled with the idea of becoming a caregiver to another person, but I guess when you really love someone, you don't think of it that way.

At this time, I do not want to date.

Blue Snow, you have written straight from my brain......

I had a wonderful, beautiful relationship with my soul mate.  I was his caregiver for 2 years and my mom for 6 years (and counting) and I can't see myself getting into another realtionship.  I have remarked that men are "the future dead", which I know is sick but oh so true. 

I want to live a life of my choosing, too.  I want to know what it is to take care of myself and I know that I wont find "me" in a boyfriend.  And I am very content with that.  And I am only 38.  I know that this could change but I am happy that I don't feel compelled to "get back out there".  Yuck.  It makes me happy when people find happiness, but Im ok on my own............

blue snow, 

I have read your letter over so many times and do understand what you are saying. Jud was my soulmate. We knew that from the first time we met. There were a few little skirmishes in there but I always knew he was the one. I mentioned that two days before he died, he said, briefly coming out of consciousness, "You were the perfect wife for me." I dated others but there was never anything that approached the connection I had with Jud. It was pretty magical (again, we are not talking perfection here, but at the root of it all, there was such deep trust and deep understanding.) I am trying to create my life, too, with my gal pals and couple friends and old hobbies and working to heal from chronic illness. Sometimes I am content. I hope is keeps getting better and better. I am approaching the one year mark with Jud and I think I am doing pretty well (again, progress not perfection :-)

I am a member here and view posts daily but just have never posted anything. I so appreciate this site. I , too, am approaching the one year mark with Mark and we were married 31derful years (not all perfect) and together 37. We met when I was just 16, and  Mark will always be the only one. I too am finding contentment, sticking with my girlfriends and a few couple friends and my family has been awesome. -figure if someone comes into my life, it would be a sign from Mark -as I have had oh so many signs from him that I believe in-there are no coincidences. I appreciate your post and thank you for listening.

Suz, your relationship with Jud sounds ever so much like my relationship with Gregg.  He was my soulmate. I really never understood that term...until there was us.  And it wasn't perfect.  We got off to a very rocky start (I had children from previous marriage, and he was more of a loner).  But the more we experienced, and tackled, the more the love and respect and understanding grew.  So much so, that I can't picture trying to recreate that kind of love with someone else.  It helps that I am not one of the younger widows (not old, 54), and I feel like it is time to know what I can do on my own. 


It does make it hard to think of someone else, RS. and Clamsters. Plus, I am 63. I miss my best friend so much, but I am also working on living alone, being a single, how I can be happy in that life. 

I'm right there alongside you, ladies.  I started this discussion over a year ago just curious if I was the only one in here who didn't want to date or find a new relationship in order to live out the rest of my life. I will hit 3 years at the end of September, I'm now 62, and while I miss my Vern every single day it's HIM I miss, not the presence of someone else in my life. Now that doesn't mean there aren't days when I would love to have a man around to do the hard stuff. Or to have someone I could share my day with. Or that I don't worry now & then about what would happen to me if I became ill like he did. But those thoughts pass and I plug along. It's life. I'm still here for a reason and I'm searching for my purpose. I'm filling my days with meaningful things. Doing things for others. Doing things for me. Being the best 'alone' me I can be to honor the 41 years I was blessed to share with my guy.

Dianne, I would think that to admit that you really aren't looking for another husband would be a pretty brave thing to do. Thank you for taking the leap and being an example so we could all be totally honest about out choice. I still say that maybe I could trip over someone but I don't want to try online dating---at all. I just wonder how in the world I could ever find a match for me like Jud. I think this is the third time I said it, but I believe his last words to me were, "you were the perfect wife for me." I miss him daily but I also am moving on and gradually finding ways that I can live meaningfully. That is my tribute to him.

I agree - it's Tim I miss - not just having someone in my life...


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