Are there any others here ...
... who truly do not want to date?
... who do not feel a need to date?
... who believe they can be content alone?
There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost. So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.
HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone. Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.
I was not interested in dating, as i was caregiver for my wife for 12 years. After she passed away I went traveling to places she had no interest, but that I wanted to see. Along the way I met a number of women on these trips, but had no interest other than as fellow travelers.
Well, that changed because on another grief website, I saw a widow who was very compassionate to others. One day she asked me where I lived, and it turned out we lived 40 miles apart.
I suggested we meet half way for lunch, and we did. I was as nervous as a 15 year old! She was very nervous too, as she had been married for 43 years.
Well, we had a nice lunch, and as i walked her to her car, I said one of the smartest things I ever did in my life. I said, I would like to see you again". This started a series of lunches where we poured our grief out to each other. In fact, one lunch lasted until 8 PM!
Neither of us were looking for any relationship, but it sort of happened.
We were married on the Island of Santorini a year and a half after our first meeting. At our age, you cannot have long engagements.
I also was not interested in dating after my husband died ( 2 years this month). I had been a caregiver to him for two years and my parents before that. However, I recently met someone who shared all of my interests in hiking, music, kayaking etc who had also lost his wife. I am taking it very slow but I have to admit I am excited. I am too vibrant of a person to stay locked in my grief ( 63) and have realized through him that I like the idea of sharing my life with someone. Whether it goes much farther than causal dating only time will tell but I am excited and happy for the first time since my Toms death.
I am going to assume that you did not intend to imply that those who are not looking for a partner are "stuck in grief." Some of us are gun-shy about having to be caregivers again, especially those of us who are older and for whom age-appropriate men are 60-and-up. Some of us are just not attracted to men our own age. And some of us just don't feel the need for a partner to live a contented life. There is no shame in being OK on one's own.
I have not ruled out the possibility of meeting someone, but it is not something I am going to go looking for, as I don't feel the need, and cannot imagine feeling that way about anyone else. Of course that could change, but I am content with my life as it is.
BergenJC You can be a vibrant person without a physical/sexual connection to a new spouse or one certain person of the opposite sex. I am older and after three years widowed, I have now determined the reality of not wanting the compromise or effort to spend quality senior years building a new relationship- after 44yrs with the best- and an adventurous life together- no one could compare and time is too short now to consider it. for younger folks-fine but romance is fleeting and I could never see another face I would want to look at the way I viewed my husband...and my heart agrees with my head. No one should feel they are not whole when their spouse dies. Locked in grief can be unlocked more ways than finding another person to take your spouse's place....but everyone is different...all are right. LC that you want to share your life with someone new is your reality and I wish you happiness---if your heart is at peace it is a wise choice for you...my heart speaks otherwise to me.
BergenJC and Laurajay
I only speak for myself. I never implied that anyone should be different. I merely pointed out that I too was of the mind set that I didn't need/want anyone else for many reasons 1) fear of losing someone again, 2) independent person, 3) fear in general based on age, not dating since my 20's etc. The list could go on and on. I was and I am a sexual person and I missed the connection with another person. However, I know myself well enough to know that at THIS point in my life could not and will not just "sleep with anyone". THIS person could be what changes my mind and not in general.
Bergen...........I believe i said " to stay locked in MY grief" thus speaking from my point of view. all of us are different.
I have not been on this site for a really long time. I hope that whenever I say something people are not going to assume I am passing judgement on them. WE are all different and at different stages. I have many friends who have never remarried or even dated for that matter. ALL is right for them. We are all individuals. I was just point out my feelings in response to Talisker's post.
Thank you Callie2!
I feel the same. I was with Carlos for 22 years and i'm 58...i cannot imagine being with anyone ever again and i dont mean that in a negative way I was blessed to have him with me, blessed to care for him. Before he got sick we joked, he told me i'm a couger and I'll get a younger man I always said "no, you are the last man ever" and i stick to that. I am surprised by others dating so quickly but do not judge. whatever works for you as long as no one is hurt.
I started this discussion over 3 years ago because the site seemed loaded with places for those who were thinking about dating or thinking about joining a dating site, or who were already dating or in a new relationship to have some good discussions. I felt quite strongly then - and still do - that I can still have a good 'rest of my life' without dating or a new relationship and was just curious if anyone else felt like me.
Through the years, many have posted in this thread that they aren't YET ready to start dating ... which really wasn't what I was asking. And many have come in here to try to convince me that I should 'never say never' ... again, that wasn't my point. I just wondered if anyone else just did not want to bother with the whole dating scene and believed they could still have a good life. I know people who never married and are still happy, or who divorced many years ago and never remarried but are leading good lives. And I've met several widowed people (yes, some men, too) who do not want to seek new relationships.
As I’ve said previously, my feelings about this are in no way judgmental towards those who do want to date and find a Plan B. I love when one of my widowed friends finds new love; it truly makes me happy for them. But I think there needs to be a space for those like me to come where we don’t feel we have to constantly defend our position. Feeling I can enjoy the rest of my days alone does not mean that you should feel that way, too. Just please don’t share your story of finding someone when you weren’t looking for them as something I should expect or be seeking. There’s room for all of us here.
Grenville25 you have it right. You know who you are and what is right for you. I am of course married for all time but when I see other couples getting together after being widowed, I am happy for them. As you say, "as long as no one gets hurt". I would be watching out for the band aid factor were I them but I wish them the best. I don't go home feeling sorry for myself either. After all this time (4 1/2) years, You get to know who you are. Even though I always said I would never marry again, it took time to be certain I wasn't bs-ing myself but all during those years I felt still married. I felt still faithful. Kathy knew better than to suggest I find someone else. She knew me well. I was married before and I can tell you that had my ex wife died, I would not have stayed single and I have nothing against my ex. The love just wasn't the same even after twenty years. Kathy was different and the love was far deeper than I ever thought possible. What is most important now is the fact that in those last years of being widowed, I have learned to find joy in life by myself. I travel more now and I've learned to bake always feeling my wife looking on perhaps with that cute little smile she had.
And I for one am glad you started it Dianne. It helps to share a point of view this discussion provides. While I was writing my previous post, I had a good friend and customer come in and she was a mentor to me in the early years. She had lost her husband sixteen years when Kathy died and she spent time talking with me. We would meet for dinner and she shared her perspective of choosing not to marry again. She began to travel and took up painting as well as spending time with her grandchildren. She loves her husband still yet enjoys her life. I admired her for that and she gave me courage to keep on living. Like I was, she had been married before but then she found a love so deep, as they say, one in a million. I so wanted to be like her but I was so sad and so lonely and yes, even so scared. Now I realize that I am more like her than I thought possible. I'm doing it! I can go on living after all. You actually can live a full and happy life with that hole in your heart but love in your soul.