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Are there any others here ...

... who truly do not want to date?

... who do not feel a need to date?

... who believe they can be content alone?

There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost.  So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.

HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone.  Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.

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That would be awkward... I know "I'm "not the strong confident type.  Paul was the strong one.

Susan

Dianne,

   You said something that I agree with. " If God Drops someone like your late husband in front of you" , then maybe. BUT...IS there anyone out there whom is that great? That wonderful? Etc. Etc.  I doubt if anyone could ever beat my Paul.  I sometimes think he has forever spoiled all other men for me. :-)

Susan

My comment was if God were to drop someone in front of me like he did my Vern ... not someone like him.  Vern was one of my high school teachers and I never expected that our paths would cross right after graduation and lead to marriage just 10 weeks later. God most definitely had a plan for us. 

If I ever choose to start dating, I would not expect to find someone like my Vern. That wouldn't be fair to expect of someone else. Besides, that cool bachelor teacher driving a Corvette would never take a second look at 66 year old Dianne.

Dianne,

   Sorry... I better not try to quote anyone since I'm getting my words mixed up. Sorry about that.

Susan

Hah! No worries, Susan. I had to go back to read how I wrote it. I knew what I meant but often don't 'say' it just right.  

I really do understand what you were saying, Susan. My Vern set the bar so high that if I were to expect someone to be just like him it just would not happen. And up until the last couple of weeks I just never even considered it.  I'm really just trying to figure out these feelings that have come on so unexpectedly and what I'm supposed to do with them.

Dianne and Bergen,

You two ladies are crazy if you think most men would judge you on your physical beauty and shape or size.  Men our age are old, too!  They are not in the best of shape, either.  I don't know what you look like, Bergen, but I do know Dianne.  We met in Las Vegas a couple years ago.  I would think any man would be more than happy to date you, Dianne.  You're lovely!!  And from your posts, Bergen, you sound pretty awesome, also.

:o)  Petal

Haha - thanks Petal.  A friend from my early days on here said the same thing once she started dating.  But what if we don't want to date someone our age?  Although thank you for saying "our" when I know you're much younger than I. I think I'd like to date someone YOUR age - LOL.

How are you? Haven't seen you in here in a long time.

Hi Dianne, Bergen & Petal,

    I have often wondered what a man would ever see in me. LOL  I guess there are several of us thinking alike.

Susan

I've got really mixed feelings about dating again. My first marriage was to a verbally abusive, financially irresponsible alcoholic.  (What can I say?  My bio clock was going nuts and I did get a great son and now two beautiful granddaughters out of it.)  My marriage to Ron was the opposite, and he even turned out to be a spectacular stepfather.

For the first time in my life, though, I'm answerable to very few people.  I have to pay my bills and keep the lawn mowed and honor my volunteer commitments and all that, but I'm retired and can pretty much do what I want.  I'm not wiling to be "a nurse or a purse".  Given my finances, if I marry some guy whose long-term care plan is "qualify for Medicaid", I'd be on the hook for his LTC costs.  I've got some spectacular travel booked/planned over the next few years, God willing, and funding the costs of a second person would be prohibitive.  (I like Business Class on long-haul flights and am hoping to go to Hawaii in 2019 and the Galapagos in 2020.)  I know that sounds selfish, but I've taken care of my responsibilities to others, including funding my son's HS education at NY Military Academy (which cost about as much as a new SUV) as well as a private university.  It's my turn.

I HAVE browsed the dating sites (e-Harmony and OurTime) but haven't gotten a paid membership.  OurTime just seems to be re-shuffling the same deck of guys in my age range/location and dealing 6 off the top as "possible matches" in daily e-mails.  Most express interests in fishing, motorcycles, and watching the local major league football and baseball teams- none of which interests me.  I took down all my info on OurTime.  At almost 65, I'm not ready for the sexual part of my life to be over, but at this age we no longer have perfect faces and bodies.  My own body, if I can be immodest, is in very good shape due to daily gym workouts and the fact that I weigh less than I did in HS, but I wear glasses and have honest grey hair.  Sexual attraction is something that's going to take time to develop as we get to know each other- not on the first or second date.  

So- I'm not ready to sort through the liars, the ones who want sex NOW and the simply incompatible guys on the Internet just yet.  I'm hoping a good guy walks across my path someday- Ron and I met in a theology class- but I'm not ready for an active search. 

When I first joined this discussion it was because of the header:

"who truly don't want to date"

"who do not feel the need to date"

"who believe they can be content alone"

All of those were me. All of those are still me.  Meeting someone and falling in love was the very last thing I wanted or expected. In fact I still feel that way even though I am married again. My wife Patty feels the same way but fate has a way of altering our plans. I still love Kathy and Patty still loves Ron and we are lucky to be able to have someone to share those feelings with. We are more in love than I ever believed possible and even deeper than I have ever known. Kathy made that possible for she taught me what love is and that allowed me to go further. 

I look back at the amazing journey I have had over the last eight years and there isn't a day where I don't think of that young woman who taught me so much. She was special and she remains special. My loving someone else didn't lessen that love not one tiny bit. 

The point I wish to make is that sometimes when you think you know how your life will proceed, things change all that. I had just finished being part of a book "Grief Through The Eyes of Men" which was published the month I met Patty at an art auction I hosted to raise money for a grief support website. In that book I explained how I was never going to marry again in that I was a done deal long ago.  I truly would have been fine on my own. I had taken classes in grief support to be a support group facilitator. I was doing something positive to give my life purpose. 

I thought to myself "Why is Kathy doing this to me?" Was she pushing me toward someone else because she had to move on? For two weeks I was in anguish. I was angry and lost. I had a good bead on things and life was more happy than sad. Still I could not stop what was happening to me. Patty was newer to grief than I so I kept my feelings to myself for months. We never did date. She was on Maui and I was in Arizona. We never dated. We just talked to each other more and more as I was trying to help her through such a difficult time with her business and her grief. Three months after we met I simply told her that we would be married one day. She replied "I know". I had not even kissed her. Some things you just know. Some force bigger than ourselves was in operation.

I have said all this trying not to hijack your discussion thread Dianne but I wanted to explain where I was coming from as I still feel I have a connection to never wanting to date. Kathy used to say "If it was meant to be then it will be" and that is why sometimes things are just out of our control. My biggest hero's are people who have gone on with their lives living alone yet growing as souls. People who had the courage to continue living while being in love with one who has departed. I know it is possible. I lived that way. What I know now is that you can have it both ways. I asked Patty just this morning "Who do you love?" She said "both of you". It brought joy to my heart hearing that. Her love for Ron will never end. Her love for me will just grow stronger. 

My thought Dianne is this. You don't have to take a leap. You can allow fate to lend a hand. I discovered that fate was leading me along every step I was taking. Things just began to make sense but it is a hard concept to grip.  My grief counselor told me when all this started happening that it doesn't end the love I have for Kathy. You just can't deny that love when entering into another love affair. You can't live another life hiding your feelings and of course this becomes a lot easier when both parties are widowed with the same passion for their departed husbands and wives. When sorrow hits and demons still come (they will), it's awfully nice if you can cry on someones shoulder because they "get it".

You can't fall out of love with Vern. Never gonna happen but you can keep his love alive no matter what path your life takes you. 

Stephen! (katpilot) ... so, so good to see your profile pop up once again in the Village. I've missed your good words.  My heart is filled to hear how happy you are with Patty, while you both keep Kathy and Ron in your hearts.

And wow ... your response here is exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly.  Thank you.

I've been seeing all the replies on this post coming through my emails and and want to weigh in on this subject.  A little over two years has passed and I still don't have the desire to start a new relationship with anyone.   My late husband didn't want me to go back to work again and left me well provided for.  I still feel guilt over  benefiting from the reality that he worked so hard for 35 years and had built up a good retirement and didn't get to enjoy any of it.   He told his work family that all he wanted was for his children to be happy and me to be taken care of.

I could sit in this house every day and just exist but I chose to start teaching art classes and am building a solid business of my own.  I stay busy and have no trouble sleeping at night.  My children are wonderful and I am trying to live healthier than ever before to be here to watch their lives unfold and maybe even to have grandchildren one day.  

Meeting someone creeps into my thoughts now and again, impossible for it not to.  I even paid for a year on a dating site, regretting it almost immediately and closed it down.   I had emailed a couple of men who seemed like they might have similar interests but had no responses.  I had a couple of "likes" but no followups from anyone.   I kind of got the sense that "trophy wives" were the most sought after.

I miss cooking for someone other than myself.  I miss the weekly trips to the home improvement stores to see what is new.  I miss going antiquing and consignment shopping on weekend trips.  But most of all, I miss my best friend who accepted me as I am.  Quiet evenings, watching TV or reading, going to lunch or dinner and listening to how his day has gone are all things painfully in absence now.    

I've rambled on for far too long.  Just glad to know there are others that feel the way I do.  Thanks for listening.

 

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