Are there any others here ...
... who truly do not want to date?
... who do not feel a need to date?
... who believe they can be content alone?
There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost. So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.
HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone. Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.
Thanks for your honesty on this, Dianne. Without going into too much detail, I'm in a similar situation- I've also developed a treasured friendship in which dating is not an option. I have a wonderful life on my own but it makes me realize what a good relationship could add to it. I'm just hoping God throws a good man in my path because the more I see and read about the dating sites, the less hope I have that they'll be a source for Mr. Right. In April I'm starting a class on Christian History at the local ministry school- it's the beginning of a curriculum that will lead to a license to preach in my church. I met my late husband Ron in a theology class, and many people who have studying for the ministry are in second careers. Who knows? :-)
Dianne!! I’m so happy to hear all of this about you.
Well, I guess it’s time to share my story.
When my Scott died 5.5 years ago (unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 48), I was devastated. For years I was a wreck, I had no interest in men and in fact, rather harshly judged women who started dating within the first few years of widowhood. I cringe when I read some of what I wrote (or thought about widows who were dating) back in my early days of grief.
But about 2 years ago, I attended a funeral for an old friend of Scott’s and while there, I saw a high school friend of Scott’s who now lives in Oregon. We started talking and it turned out he was recently divorced. So after he went home to Oregon, we continued to text and talk on the phone about his failed marriage and about me losing Scott.
Over time, I realized I was becoming attached to him and when he came out to Colorado again a few months later there was undeniable chemistry. Neither of us of spoke of it and I felt real shame. He confessed his feelings to me a few weeks after he returned home. I didn’t tell any of my friends or family.
And I certainly wasn’t going to mention it here on WV! Too embarrassing.
Long story short……we fell in love and now have a long-distance relationship. We fly back and forth all the time to see each other or we meet in fun places for weekend trips.
I don’t know how this will turn out as I kind of hate this long distance, but it really helped me to finish my grieving over Scott.
It also made me realize that I possibly have many more years ahead of me (I’m 55) and life is fun. And even though I felt like I died when Scott did, I actually didn’t. Lol :0)
The most successful "love again" stories that I've heard are from people who have run into old acquaintances of many years that just dropped into their laps. That is the only way I see it ever happening to me, and the one person from my past that I would even consider is still well-married so that's out of the question. :-)
I have heard stories of people marrying or just dating someone they went to school with also. They are always quite sweet. :-)
I'm so glad you found someone you can be with. :-) And don't be embarrassed to mention it. No need for that.
Thank you for your kind words, Susan!
It is interesting Dianne how this thread has suddenly come back to life. I have always believed in the words "Never say never." Kathy would always remind me of that and how we are so often surprised by life. I used to so often say "Never". Hah! Even if you are convicted to stay a certain way, life will change your outlook. Kathy always told me not to ever close my mind. I think those are wise words. Follow your heart and your mind will follow. I think love is what happens when you least expect it. It takes a lot of courage to expose yourself to new love. Years ago I learned a lot from reading "The Road Less Traveled " by Scott Peck. One chapter which is titled 'Risk of Loss" speaks to how it is pretty much impossible to love without taking the risk. We who are widowed know only too much what loss feels like. If you can't risk losing someone again you can't get very deeply involved. It is that double edged sword again. So for me the risk is worth the gain. I know I am vulnerable. I think part of why I wanted to live alone was for that very reason. If I don't love I won't hurt if she dies. I already have a lifetime of sorrow in my back pocket. So I choose the risk because I am tired of being a chicken.
I wonder too Dianne if Verne isn't somehow part of all this. Perhaps they know far better than us that you can indeed love two people at the same time. I can say this because so many things happened to make me aware that Kathy was indeed involved. In fact it would take chapters to explain it all and Patty and I are planning when time allows to write a book about this very thing.
I would be careful about branding people who do not want to deal with dating "chicken". Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to be OK on your own.
I think katpilot was talking about katpiolt being a chicken...not anybody else. :-)
I have dated...and am still single in Year ViI. I remain open to the possibility of something happening, but, if not, I have other things to do in the meantime. (Six continents down, one left to go. By the end of 2018, I expect to have set foot on all seven of 'em! :-) [Bonus: Since I've been to Hawaii, New Zealand and Easter Island, I've been to all three corners of the Polynesian Triangle. Almost like getting an additional continent...]
Yes I only speak of myself. And...you are right. It takes a lot of courage to go it alone. I was speaking about being afraid to lose somebody again. Kathy's death was a nightmare I can't imagine going through again.
You weren't 'chicken', Stephen. I think we both had very similar thoughts at the time. I truly believed with all of my heart and soul that Vern was my one and only and was very much ok with spending the next 30 years alone. I've created a full and pretty satisfying life alone, giving much of myself to others that makes me feel I'm honoring the years I had with Vern and the person he helped me to become.
Now I'll admit there were other things that helped to support my feelings about not wanting to date or remarry ... my caregiving years were extremely hard and I just didn't think I had it in me to do that again, my insecurities about my physical self, my lack of any experience with dating as an adult, my tender heart that might just not survive rejection. And none of that had changed during these past 7+ years. Never an inkling, never a thought about wanting someone else in my life. Until I met this unavailable friend. And maybe that's it. He's unavailable. Would I really be willing to be vulnerable enough to try something if he were available? I don't know the answer to that. Ugh - I really wish I could just stuff these feelings in a box and go back to not having them.
I think this is an interesting discussion. I'm four years out and go back and forth on this issue. I do date occasionally, and have dates planned in the next few months. I have not been in a romantic relationship however. I was in a "friendzone" relationship though most of 2016, centered around some common interests, but she told me early on that I was "more cosmopolitan" than the type of guy she was interested in. She met a new person on line late that year and good for her, as far as I know, she's happy with him. As time goes on, I sort of wonder if I am becoming too independent to be in another relationship, but still I try. I've tried on line dating, but it just doesn't appeal to me. Guess I will keep plugging away on this dating thing, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm meant to stay alone. It's kind of ironic, because I thought I would be remarried by now when Lupe died. I've found I've gone in the exact opposite direction. I carry LTC insurance, so no, I do not need a caregiver of any kind. I'm retired and financially secure, so no I don't need a purse, either.