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Are there any others here ...

... who truly do not want to date?

... who do not feel a need to date?

... who believe they can be content alone?

There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost.  So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.

HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone.  Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.

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@Lupe's husband:  I think you nailed it, right there --> " the whole thing is a set up to just pry subscription fees from people who are single and want to meet someone

I've heard two good stories about e-Harmony from credible sources- the son of a friend had a highly successful match from there and I guy I was sitting next to on a flight last year said that he hadn't had success with OurTime but was currently in a good relationship with a woman he'd met on e-Harmony.  At least the prospective matches they send me are ones I'd consider, and if someone has answered enough of their extensive list of questions you can get a good idea of what they're like.  I'm sure that's why it costs a lot more to join e-Harmony than OurTime.

I'm still wary of guys who talk a good game but are in debt up to their eyeballs (first husband was like that), the ones who post pictures of themselves from 10 years ago, the ones who will want sex on the second date, the ones who will NEVER want it, the ones with dysfunctional families...  Yeah, I'm picky! 

I think eHarmony is the best of the bunch -- IF you're a Christian and straight.  Non-Christians and gay people I know who have tried it have not had much luck.  One friend was set up with the same guy again five years after trying it the first time and another was just not interested in any of her matches.  I'm not sure there are any shortcuts or easy way to do this.  

When I was in my 20s, I did "computer dating" (Yeah, I'm that old) and through personal ads, which is what people did before there was an online.  At least back then, people had to write you a letter and put out some effort.  Now all you have to do is post a photo and some personal statistics -- if that.  But even with that -- I dated a lot -- I had quantity, but not quality, and I took some chances that were pretty scary in retrospect.

There is a TV show on Lifetime called "Married at First Sight."  It features couples who are matched for a reality show and they have to agree to marry the person with whom they're matched by "experts."  These are people in their mid-20s who have already given up on meeting someone "organically" through their ordinary lives.  I'm sure some of them are "famewhores", but that this show even exists shows that something is very wrong out there.

I know a young woman in her mid-30s.  She's beautiful, sweet, and bubbly.  Think of a young Goldie Hawn without the ditzy persona. She just broke off with someone who said to her "You are my world" because she felt stifled.  This is the first decent guy she's met in a long time and she felt that life with him would be suffocating.  And perhaps she was right.  NO ONE wants to feel suffocated.

I'm not sure what's causing all this.  I think social media is part of it.  I think unrealistic expectations are part of it.  I think the "all you can eat buffet" nature of dating sites doesn't help either.  I still think that your chances are better by just living your life, finding interesting things to do that attract people of both sexes, and then just going about your business and learning how to be a whole person yourself to better position yourself as a potential partner.

I know, Bergen- Ron and I met in a theology class, not some dating Web site or through Personal ads.  (I once checked Men Seeking Women on Craigslist just for fun- I get rid of a lot of things as Free Stuff on CL.  Wow- some of those guys are so explicit it would make your hair curl.)

Still, I'm a techie and would like to think tech would help here.  The SuperWomen Lupe's husband describes surprise me- if I fell into the gorgeous+brainy+accomplished+rich+well-traveled+athletic group I'm not sure if I'd put it all out there in a listing- I'd be afraid of attracting predators and hangers-on. Heck, I'm even afraid to mention being financially solvent and interested in sex! 

Hi Athena,

    I know that post wasn't meant for me, but I just wanted to add something. All "I" want is a friend to talk to and go to dinner with . Have some fun.. The dating sites scare me off though. You said it in one word " Explicit "  ..:-(   

   I figure, if I can't meet the man in person, face to face, then I don't really need anyone.  I prefer the old way. Meeting. Not on line. But that's just me. I may not be the best judge of character, but ANYONE can look and sound wonderful in the written letter / text.  I guess I'm just old fashion that way. ;-) 

Susan

Hi NoLonger,

   I just wanted to say, "That was a good Post " :-)

Susan

I'm in a FB group for writers and one of the members posted this. I wish I had the nerve, but don't think I could ever be this aggressive, although I would love to have that experience again (that's pretty much what Vern did).  Really loved the words and thought you all might like it, too.  It was written by Frank Mosco from NY.

Interesting viewpoint. However, this may only be a good thing if there are mutual feelings. It kind of has to be “right”, timing and all. Otherwise, it may have the opposite effect. I do get his drift though. It does take at least one person involved to be a little aggressive. My husband actually was the pursuer but I found that confusing and scary at the time. I was divorced and had little self-esteem but very guarded and reluctant to exhibit any vulnerability. He kept calling me and showing up at my door until finally, I asked him, “What do you want from me?” He said, “isn’t it obvious? I want your heart.”

This may sound strange, but I have never been an aggressor  I grew up in a time when you waited for a guy to show interest. Calling them on the phone was a huge no-no— girls did not do that. So different today! It’s probably a good thing, why not? But maybe we need some rewiring, lol!

Here is one thing I don’t understand though. Why is it that some men think having a conversation with them is flirting? This has happened to me a few times since I became a widow. I hesitate sometimes now to even strike up a conversation with someone. I mean, I enjoy talking and hearing the male point of view on different things but I don’t want to give a wrong impression. 

Thanks for sharing that Dianne. It is thought provoking. The author makes some really good points.

Callie2, you said " Why is it that some men think having a conversation with them is flirting?"  I would add "Why is it that some men think talking to them means you want to date them?"  I run a local meetup for fans of a sports team.  It has not been very successful, partially because I live out of the area of that particular team.  But I think part of it is that I am a middle-aged woman running a sports meetup.  I have a co-organizer who is about 15 years younger and very attractive, and I have held events where there are guys closer to her age than mine who will not even LOOK me in the eye talking about the team.  Do all men think I'm doing this because I want to meet guys?  I just want to get together and watch ball games.

I went to another meetup soon after I moved to my current home.  There was a man there who was age-appropriate, reasonably attractive for an older guy, works in the same field as me, and to top it all off was English.  On paper, I would have been interested in this guy.  But he did not even look me in the eye until I had made it clear by talking to everyone ELSE at the meetup that I really was just there to make new friends.  And even then.  

This is one reason why I will never, ever, ever, ever date and I will never, ever, ever pursue anyone.  For too many years in my youth I was judged by men as too fat (even when I wasn't), too short, too weird, not pretty enough, and on and on and on and on and on.  I've seen it happen even more in the older set, where the guys think they are entitled to beauties and treat the rest of us as if we were trolls.  I refuse to cast my pearls before such swine.  If you don't want to talk to me, don't talk to me.  

I happened in May of 1983 to meet a guy whose idea of "hot" was smart and funny.  He didn't care how short I was or that my nose was too big.  I had 30 years with him.  I'm not greedy enough to think lightning could strike twice.  Not for women like me.

Hi Callie2,

  I had to smile when you said you grew up in a time when calling a boy was a BIG NoNo... Same here.... We were even told that boys do not like girls to approach them.  If the guy is worth his salt, he will come to you to speak.  LOL Can you imagine a young girl reading this?  

   All 3 of us girls ( sisters) had to read Dear Abbey then talk to Mom about the column. ( can you say strict? )

   But I STILL believe that if a man is worth his salt, he will speak to me. Not text or meet over facebook... TALK to me face to face. 

Susan

Ah Bergen, your post makes me rather sad. Perhaps because I can relate to what brought you to feeling so strongly about this. I was always the one overlooked unless they took the time to get to know who I really was - and that did not happen often. But I like men and have always had a good number of guy friends. Most have actually been kinder than my girlfriends. Granted, I married at 18 so I only dealt with the dating scene in high school. And as I've said in this discussion the mere idea of dating now scares me to death. The judging, the not being good enough, the rejection - ugh. 

I haven't had your experience in the mixed groups I'm in currently. Was only approached by an 81 year old group member who had already gone through all of the other members asking for a date. LOL.  But I've always been pretty vocal about not wanting to date. I wear Vern's wedding band and a widow ring along with a pendant with his photo on it. LOL - that might just be doing the trick.

And I don't think I could ever be the aggressor either, Callie. I was born in '51 and was brought up with those same stereotypes of what girls did and didn't do. But I rather liked the romantic idea of what Frank wrote ... to just approach a friend you were attracted to and see whether they might just happen to feel the same. It could truly be glorious. BUT ... in reality I'm thinking it would more likely be catastrophic and would send me right down the rabbit hole to probably never come out. Not worth the risk, I'd say.  So I'll be fine waiting for someone to approach me. Or not. 

A few followups here as I was pretty busy this weekend.   The Superwomen I get from Match usually use code words to indicate they are looking for a well off guy or a guy that they feel to be their equal.   I do live in Los Angeles, after all.     In the big picture, I'm probably fairly well off, but they would not be impressed with my rather small, 1100 square foot house, even if it is in a prime real estate area.    I might just try contacting one just for the heck of it before my subscription ends, but like I said, its been a disappointment. 

Another thing, speaking of women being aggressive, and I hope no one is offended by this story.   Last year at one of our local Soaring Spirits group dinners, one lady, who on surface, seems rather conservative, prim, proper and I think in her 60s, blurted out, "I can't figure out why I can't get a date,  after all I like it rough."   Everyone who heard it, their jaw dropped, including mine.   I don't think anyone knew what to do or say.     I still don't know what to say to her.   Nice woman, probably not a match for me and after that comment, I'm not sure how seriously I could take her.    I couldn't help but thinking, 'just put that in your on line dating profile and you will get plenty of responses."   Sorry.  

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