A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
For those who do not want to date ...
Are there any others here ...
... who truly do not want to date?
... who do not feel a need to date?
... who believe they can be content alone?
There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost. So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.
HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone. Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.
Views: 4176
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by freddieb on
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I love that reply, Juliana; "he's my husband to eternity". I still feel married to Walter too and maybe I always will. I know God left me here for a purpose and I know that it is very possible to life an abundant life with or without a mate. That is what I intend to do.
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Permalink Reply by Suz on -
- I also feel very married. I was married for 37 years and I am now 62. I was surprised, at first, to hear people talking of taking their wedding rings off. I don't begrudge anyone the happiness of another love but I never really consciously considered it. Mine will stay on my finger forever. I have a chronic pain disability and it has been a struggle to live what I consider an abundant life but I felt i finally got back there again before Jud got sick. Now I am struggling to find different ways in which life can be abundant. I have learned to live well with more soltude and that is a help during this time of grieving. I have learned first-hand the difference between solitude and loneliness and the second is hard. In the next five years, I will probably move into a condominium that has a lot of activity. Until then, I have tried to make sure I get out of the house at least once a day or have someone come in to visit. Thank you, all, for sharing. I was beginning to feel like a very odd duck!
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Permalink Reply by Susan on -
My husband committed suicide almost a year ago. We were married for 28 years, and it was not a pleasant marriage most of the time. Friends and family keep talking about when I start dating, when I get married, etc... but I am not interested. I am loving my independence and peace. I did my grieving 2 years before his death when things really fell apart. I did the life expectancy test that was posted and it has me living until age 94 :). I guess I'm going to have plenty of years to enjoy myself. I just don't think I can go through another marriage. I have a strong aversion to any attempts to control me, and I want to be selfish for a change. Wouldn't be fair to someone else.
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Permalink Reply by LOTTIECJ on -
i can truly identify with your situation ... although my husband did not die of suicide but rather natural causes ... the rest of your remarks fit ... especially the aversion to control ... i want time to be me /// the time i never got in my very difficult 36 year marriage ... i want to be selfish too ... i took care of him through a very difficult 10 plus year illness that took over my life and worked full time through it all ... i know it was my choice to do it but now i want my own time ...
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Permalink Reply by Susan on
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So nice to hear from someone who understands. Thanks for replying. Sometimes I feel that no one understands why I feel this way.
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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on -
I'm sorry you had long, difficult marriages, Susan and Lottie, and I understand why you feel this is your time. It is, you know. It's time for you to explore the things that bring you joy and happiness. Selfish? No, I don't think so at all. Bless you both.
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Permalink Reply by gcortez55 on -
u know dianne, i didnt think i would feel like this until recently. at the first year and some months later i really wanted to find love again. but now that i am close to 2 years, well, i really dont think so anymore. i am just finding out who i am again. i can find myself and help my children heal. if i had a relationship i would have to make time for "the relationship". that is not something i want right now. i am alone, but not lonely. the solitude is very nice for me. the kids and i are finding our new life, new routines, working through the loss. things are good for us. dont get me wrong, i still "have needs" but they dont drive me anymore.
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Permalink Reply by Max on -
Really, not looking for the love of my life anymore I lost her to cancer two years ago, the problem is when I try to become friends with someone they seem to head in that direction. It would be nice to have someone to talk with and share those days when you seem to be alone, and maybe help each other along the way without any pressure. I understand the stress we have felt as caregivers and the fear of doing it again. It is hard to love again and hard also not to feel that closeness with someone, but for myself, I am not looking to date anyone again.
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Permalink Reply by Juliana on -
I am so with you on this one, Max. I would like to have friends and confidants without the pressure of thinking that it had to go any farther.I want to learn to be a completely independent woman. I can't do that if someone keeps trying to get something from me that I really need to give myself instead of them.
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Permalink Reply by Susan on
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That's exactly how I feel Juliana. I am really loving being independent, making my own decisions (and mistakes), and working hard on figuring out just who Susan is. There is no room in my life for a romantic relationship, and I don't think I would ever want another.
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Permalink Reply by Jeanine on -
I, too, would like to learn to be an independent woman, but I don't know how to do it. My fantastic husband was a jack-of-all-trades and could do anything.... whenever I had a problem I took it to him and he always fixed it for me. I loved having him take care of me so wonderfully, but now I am left not knowing how to get things fixed. I have been pleasantly surprised a few times when I actually figured out how to do something on my own..... but, there are some things that are beyond my abilities. I do have a loving and generous son who helps me often, but he has his own family. I can't lean on him like I did my husband. The only option I can think of is to hire someone to help me...... but, how do I find someone who is trustworthy? Does anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions?
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Permalink Reply by topwag (Becky) on -
Yes.... exactly the same problem. I want to explore my independence but need to hire a handy man in a small town. Yea right. My trust level is 0. I will figure it out and do what I need to do but right now lots of stress with home maintenance issues that my husband always could handle. Blessings.
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