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Are there any others here ...

... who truly do not want to date?

... who do not feel a need to date?

... who believe they can be content alone?

There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost.  So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.

HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone.  Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.

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I think it's important for us to figure out who we are now as individuals instead of half of the couple we once were. Not an easy task, for sure. I married right out of high school; was "Vern & Dianne" for 41 years; have only been alone for 17 months. Vern will always be with me, in my heart and in my soul. But I'm convinced that if I can find things that bring me joy I can then focus on what I can give back to this world rather than focusing on what was taken away from me.

My MIL spent 31 years alone; my Mom 13 years. They both had happy, full, active lives into their late 80s. I also have friends who have never married, and some who divorced young and never remarried. So, with those examples, perhaps it's easier for me to accept that I can be happy spending the rest of my life alone. I do agree with Blue ... alone doesn't have to mean lonely. But I'm the only one who can make sure that happens.

My great aunt on my father's side was widowed young (with young children at the time) and never remarried. She lived into her 90s and was the epitome of strength and spunkiness throughout her years. I wasn't as close to her as I would have liked to have been, given geographical distance and whatnot, but I have always seen her as a role model for how to stay young and vibrant throughout life, regardless of age or circumstance.

Point being: You can totally *thrive* on your own. :)

Dianne your right, one of my Grandmothers spent 38 years alone and the other one spent 22. I feel any of us can have a full life without another man in it, now if someone just wants to borrow one every now and again then more power to them.  lol  But I think I will be just fine being the queen and king of my castle.

Anytime I "think" of dating I can only picture my husband.  For a while I looked at profiles on the on-line dating sites and if I found a profile I enjoyed reading I compared him to my husband.  So, at this point, 18 months since his death and 40 yrs old, I'm not interested in dating.  My husband made me so happy and was such a wonderful kind and funny person that  I can't even begin to imagine being with someone else.  So, you're not alone.  I respect the people who do date, but I just can't do it.  That may change in the future...who knows.  But, right now I can't do it.

I feel the same way...I don't see myself dating.  Before I met Michael, I had been alone for 20+ years so I know how to do "alone".  I spent those years hoping to find a good guy to love and who would love me.  I finally did and I couldn't have asked for a better man.  I just don't see another man in my future. 

My therapist thought i was crazy, young, and stupid when i said i wasn't going to date again.  But she still has her husband, so i guess it's easy to judge.  At this point, I'm almost 15 months out and all I can say of my future is that I just don't know anymore.  More than anything, I hate being pressured to date.  It makes me angry.  I start to feel like some kind of commodity--- something that can just be passed out and redistributed to some deserving schmuck.  I know this has to do with what happened---- but every time I feel pressured by somebody (well-meaning friend or whoever), I still have to take a step back and a deep breath--- and take a good, hard look at that person's intentions before I judge their words or actions. 

Once in a while I'm attracted to somebody... but every time i step back and look at it, I start realizing that it's just that some little piece of that person reminds me of Juan & that it's probably something I should leave alone because there isn't a positive outcome possible.  I know it's possible for me to meet somebody eventually---- and 30 or 50 years without actual sex seems like a very bleak thing---- but it also seems like it would be emotionally confusing to date someone else.  And to actively look for it (in my situation) seems like just asking for trouble. 

Yes, exactly.  The prospect of 25 years without loving companionship and affection and sex is bleak.  But right now - 10 months into the grieving - I cannot imagine becoming that intimate with anyone.  Frank was not my first love - but he was the purest and the only true love of my life.  I don't know how much time it will take to even entertain the idea of "dating". ugh.  it exhausts me to think about it.  And I, too, think it would be unfair to the other person.  

Exactly my feelings. No one else even attracts me right now in the least....they're not my Rodney.

My husband will be gone 11 months tomorrow.  I already have "friends" trying to set me up with single guys.  At 42, it's really quite embarrassing.  I feel like they have no respect for the nearly 20 years of marriage that we had!  They just don't get it.  maybe I will date some day.  But right now, I'm happy with a close friendship with a widower friend of mine.  He is safe, we understand one another, and we are both clear that we do not want anything romantic.  That's the closest to dating i want to be for a very long time.

I totally understand where you are , I have been a widow for 10 years and have no desire, through the years I have had people tell me you are too young to stay the rest of your life all by yourself, but I am satisified that way, Ithink that it is good that you have that friendship and that you both understand that

That doesn't mean they don't respect your 20 years! It means that they think you are not meant to be alone! Jeez, when I think of myself , I get too emotional, so I try to think , well what if it was Jan or Mary (2 of my really good friends) and I think  they shouldn't be alone, even thogh I adore their Husbands and really , this is just an exercise because their Husbands are still alive! I wouldn't want them to be alone their whole lives! At 42, have you thought about how many years you'll be alone? I'm 58 and although I have no interest in dating, the being alone 25 years scares the Hell out of me.

 

Quite frankly, dating is not something I spend any time thinking about at all.  I'm only 7/12 months into this journey and I don't think I can't even entertain the thought without feeling whole again -- and that is a process that takes time for most people -- I believe that life has a way of working things out for our highest good if we allow it.  If and when another person appears in my life, it will be because it is meant to be not because I will be searching.  All good things happen naturally! that's my opinion and for those who feel the need to date and want to search for a partner I wish them all the best. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong. 

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