Are there any others here ...
... who truly do not want to date?
... who do not feel a need to date?
... who believe they can be content alone?
There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost. So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.
HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone. Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.
There's something to be said for that, Stormy. I don't know how old you are, but I was 58 when my husband died and I am now 61. So I am at an age where I am old enough that age-appropriate men are both a) looking for younger, thinner women; and b) starting to have their own health problems. If I were, say, in my mid-40s or younger I might feel different. I guess I feel I was "old enough" that not dating can be perceived as a logical choice.
The same friend who, a week after my husband died said she just knew I would meet someone else because I'm such an awesome person, said two years later, right before I moved, that "But you SHOULD be with someone. You have so much love to give!" I explained to her that I poured everything into my husband for 30 years. I was happy to do it because I loved him, he was my soulmate, and because he would have been dead before he was 30 if I hadn't come into his life and shown him what love and acceptance were. But when do I get to give what I have to offer to ME? To my friends? To the community?
I cannot even visualize what a person I would meet would be like. There is a man I know through blogging and on Facebook with whom I have a LOT in common. He's moderately attractive. He's also a recovering alcoholic and has a FLOCK of real-world women friends. I need this? Whenever I tick off what that person would have to be, I'm describing my husband -- except that this person would also have to be handy and helpful around the house, maybe like to cook, and not smoke. And as long as that's what I visualize, well, that person just isn't out there.
@noflies: They say that when you see a cardinal, it's your deceased spouse. I don't believe that, my yard is FULL of cardinals. The other day I saw one...a big one, bright red, staring me right in the eye. Then I saw the female he was with. So no, I don't believe the cardinals thing. The bottom line is that we won't know if we are reunited till we get there. Sometimes I think that when my cats are on my lap and suddenly they see something and stare off in the distance, they are seeing him in the house.
I totally agree with those who say they are OK being "single/widowed", and that we've met the love of our life already, and lost him too soon. Morris and I were good friends before we dated. We spent 12 wonderful years together, even though we had our problems, as we all do. He wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me, as I was for him. I told him many times he was my dream come true, a soul mate and someone I could talk with about anything. I miss him like a pain, it's been 10 months and I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm 52, it's going to be a long haul by myself, but I lived with the love of my life for 12 years, and that's a blessing.
I'll admit that these holiday times can be difficult when you're alone. All those happy Facebook and Instagram photos of people doing fun things with their loved ones just seems to emphasize what I no longer have. I had to walk away for a while. But even that does not cause me to second-guess my choice of not dating. I believe I knew when I married at 18 (he was 28) that he was my forever love. I do realize that being widowed at 59 is very different than being widowed younger with children still in the home. Who knows whether I would feel differently.
But I actually think knowing I don't want to date makes it a bit easier for me than some of my widowed friends who seem so desperate to find 'someone'. They tend to focus on their loneliness and not having a man to do things with. I've made widowed friends here within my Soaring Spirits regional group and we do fun things together that gets me out and about, I travel, and I'm ok being home alone, too ... except during the holiday season. That just gets me every year. Maybe next year I'll decorate the house again and see if that helps.
And when I hear some of the dating stories ... well that for sure reinforces my decision to not go there. Wowsers - there are some amazing (and scary) things happening out there!
Stephen - good to see you in here! Loved seeing that you contributed to the Grief Diaries - Through the Eyes of Men book; I've ordered a copy. I hope you are well. Merry Christmas to you, too.
I do think it is easier not to want to date than to be out there looking desperately. I'm kind of in the middle. I am determined not to live my life based on fear, even though friends do push for me to look, obviously afraid that if I wait too long it will be even harder for me to find someone. I am 9 days short of 2 years, which is when I told myself I would start looking, and I find I don't really want to. That when -i-will-start-looking date just keeps getting pushed out and out. A part of it is because I did love my husband so much, but another part is that I don't feel like diminishing my life by "trying." Now if someone just right who would be nice to me and was fun to be with came along, that might be different. My 12 year old got Sims 4 for Christmas and she's built our whole family into it, and apparently somehow I've got a boyfriend who comes over and sits and talks to me and that sounds nice. It also gives me a chance to say that I think its nice that I have a boyfriend, so that if I ever do go that way, my kids will be used to the idea. It was an easy jump to make, because at first he was just a friend who would come over and talk to me. So now my virtual self has a virtual boyfriend and my kids are totally accepting of it, which I think is great. If I ever do go that way, my kids will be ready for it. ;)
Hello everyone - I lost my wife of about 25 years in May 2012.
I...had a relationship 2 years later with a wonderful woman...it was long distance, but with a few visits. She and I are still friends (she too was a widow), and is now engaged.
My daughter, now 18, just finished screaming at me (she's home from school) how horrible I am (thrown in lots of choice words) how much she hates me, ashamed of me, etc. [I can't wait for the "so how was your Christmas" questions next week at work...]
At any rate, I think that relationship hurt her deeply. Not that she dealt -ever dealt - with her mother's death. So I'm evil incarnate, which makes me feel like complete shit, to the point that I don't want to be here.
At any rate, I'm almost 50 now, and part of me longs for what I had with my late wife, and part of me realizes that the above mentioned relationship was a mistake. So - I feel like I'm done. I should accept it and just...go on.
So, basically, I'm done. What I will say is that if you have kids, be very very very careful...because it can really destroy a relationship with the kids.
I've pretty much resigned to be alone, and I know that the longer I am like this, it'll be harder and harder to talk to people, but...it is what it is.
Wow Timelord, that's terrible. :( I'm so sorry your daughter said those things to you.
I'm sure that some time in the future she will realize she's being selfish and just want you to be happy. I'm crossing my fingers for that to happen sooner rather than later for you.
All I can say is I'm sorry she's being like that!
Sometimes our job as parents is to be "the wall" for our children to push and beat against when they are dealing with whatever. Not an easy role, but I've been there too. It likely will get better -- not a guarantee, but a bet with the odds.
The wall provides support and unconditional love but does not move its boundaries. The wall upholds a set of principles The child leans on the wall, takes shelter from the wall, pushes off from the wall to launch herself, bangs against the wall in anger and frustration, and occasionally takes a sledgehammer to it.
The wall does not crumble. Or at any rate, the wall does not give the appearance of crumbling -- even though sometimes if you look behind it, it's held up with broken boards, accident-scene tape, and random bits of construction material. The wall does not get its feelings hurt -- ignore the "ouch" and sounds of weeping coming from behind the wall.
Parenting -- the toughest job you'll ever love.
Dr. Who fan by any chance, Timelord?