Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Are there any others here ...

... who truly do not want to date?

... who do not feel a need to date?

... who believe they can be content alone?

There's a vibrant discussion going on over in the "For those who have dated" Forum that I have enjoyed reading. I am genuinely happy for those who have found new loves or new friendships and have found new joy in those relationships. I'm one who doesn't believe there is a set amount of time before you can feel ready to allow someone else into your life. If it happens soon, then it was meant to be and it is wonderful. It has absolutely no bearing on how much you loved the one you lost.  So this discussion I'm adding is not in anyway judgmental. It doesn't matter how long 'out' you are, how long you were married, whether you are young or old, have young kids or none ... it's a personal decision that is ours and ours alone to make.

HOWEVER, I'm wondering if I'm the only one here in Widville who just doesn't see myself ever dating and I'm ok with spending my remaining years alone.  Just wanted to offer a voice for those who might have a different point of view.

Views: 21592

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

So... what are the code words?  Inquiring minds want to know!  I think I put "financially solvent" as a criterion in my e-Harmony profile.  

And yes, that was a weird comment coming from an otherwise prim and proper lady.  Wonder what motivated her to blurt that out.

Desperate people sometimes do desperate things...but I agree with your assessment.

Filter in brain broken.

It is funny in our culture today or maybe it’s the way the world has changed. Code words and dog whistles. Years ago, women used to refer to rich old guys as “sugar daddies” but they were mainly upfront about it. My Mom, who was divorced used to joke about looking for a sugar daddy but certainly not in front of others. The women’s remark about liking it rough may have been OK at girls night out but not in mixed company or around those you’ve just met. She may have thought it “cute or funny” but it came across ICKY or letting those around her think it’s an invitation of some sort.

Truthfully, I worked in a climate for many years where people said things I thought inappropriate. It does not shock me. Guess I have heard it all so to speak, haha!

As I've been struggling with this whole do I or don't I want to date thing, this popped up in my newsfeed and seems to be some good advice for me. I just need to let it go and stop allowing it to stay in my head. It's too hard to keep the negative self-talk away when I allow myself to actually think about dating. So I'm just going to release it and let it be what it is intended to be.

Que sera, sera.

Ok, here are more followups after another busy day.    Usually, you will see the superwomen write things like, "I expect to be pampered' or "looking for a man who wants to take care of me." " looking someone to take me to exotic places."  That type of thing.   Not really code, but personally I take it like they are gold diggers or looking for a sugar daddy.   Cool, but not what I am looking for.  

We had another incident with the lady where she started talking about how a guy took her to Las Vegas and "had his way with her."   I think the group organizer had a talk with her and she's been pretty quiet for the past few months.   We even have to ask her how her dating is going, just to get her to talk.

Overall, i think widowed people seem to fall into two groups.   One are people who can't stand to be alone, and they seem to be the ones who get into bad relationship messes sometimes and the second are people like me who have become more independent since their spouse passed.  It's sort of an over simplification, but I think there is a lot of truth to it.  

Another observations from dating here and there the past three years.   People are much more open than before.   I went to baseball game with a woman a few years ago and she spent the game talking about her previous relationships with both men and women.    Glad I know, and she's remarried since.    Guess its good to know everything up front.

Thanks- that's NOT my definition of Superwoman!  More like a princess.  I'm a faint version of the type of women you mentioned earlier- smart, retired from high-powered career, enviable finances, do 35-mile charity bike rides in good weather, have been to over 30 countries.  Not gorgeous, though.  I'm 65 and my face shows it.  The last thing I want is someone to "take me to exotic places" (I'll take myself, thank you, but would love company) or buy me things (I don't have many wants but can provide for myself).  I'm definitely in the "enjoy my independence" camp.

I feel bad for the lady in the group you mentioned.  It's good to have healthy drives.  It's bad to feel you need to tell the details to groups of people.

I suppose those types of women have been around a long time, I wonder what type of men respond to those ads, is he very lonely? Is he just looking for some arm candy? It’s kind of like selling yourself, I think. Surely, he is going to want something out of it, right? Materialism is such a turnoff to me. I know for some men (and women) boasting makes them feel important. Not saying it’s wrong to talk about lifestyle but it is boring for someone to only discuss money  and all they have acquired in life. Well, not everyone presents themselves as being well-off. Who would want to feel like it is their money the other person is attracted to?

Several years ago, my MIL (who was a very loving, giving person and also widowed) was seeing a man for several years. She lived a modest life, really did not have much. She raised five boys and did it all— they had chickens, horses and other farm animals. She planted and put up her own food- killed and plucked chickens, etc. It was a family enterprise so to speak. She taught her boys well, they could do all that plus cook, clean, sew, you name it! Anyway, she met this gentleman and he would come to our house with her on holidays and special occasions. He would sometime bring me flowers. He became ill one day and then I found out who this man was. He developed a very well known company, known throughout this country and outside! The man was quite wealthy but very humble.  His kids did all they could to discourage their relationship but I never knew why until the end. She was prevented from seeing him when he was ill. She did not want his money, did not want to remarry, all she wanted was to share some time with someone. She was not a gold digger!

I guess there is nothing wrong with being upfront about what you’re looking for though it seems very shallow to me. At least, you know what you’re getting when you find someone willing to exchange favors for worldly things! I would rather be with a person who is equally yoked or someone with the same priorities in life as me. I am far from rich but have been blessed in many ways. If I wanted to visit Las Vegas or any other destination, I would save money till I could pay my own way.

As far as speaking about past relationships to someone you’ve just met....why would you want to do that? If I were dating and I am not, I would be ever so conservative about personal information like that. I mean, I would reveal marital status and maybe a few details, only if relevant. Does anyone want to be compared to someone else, I mean, dead or alive? I don’t think I would like to hear it if the situation were reversed. Think I would try to stay away from subjects like that.

When my Grandma died, my Grandpa remarried less than two years later. While it seemed to be a happy marriage, she was definitely a gold-digger.  He bought her way more than he ever did my grandmother (Grandma once paid for new flooring for her tiny kitchen out of a small inheritance from her parents because Grandpa said they didn't need it; Wife #2 got an "upgraded" engagement ring for their 5th anniversary that was bigger than the one-carat I was wearing at the time).    

I found out later that Wife #2 had little; when her first husband died it turned out he'd elected a pension payment with no survivor benefit (he could do that without her signature back then) and of course SS went down.  Her kids told her if she wanted to live decently she'd have to find an old guy with money.  Enter Grandpa.

I spent my entire working life saving to make sure I didn't need to go desperately seeking a financially solvent husband at age 75.

There are a lot of horror stories regarding the spouse left behind with nothing but debt. They either couldn’t afford to put money aside (large families) or they didn’t have substantial pensions. Remember, there were no 401ks either. The generation before the baby boomers were times when many women did not work outside the home so they did not accrue SS. Kind of a sad situation where many were left  “high and dry”. Fortunately, the baby boomer generation is more prepared. There is planning available for those of us that worked their entire lives. I always knew planning for retirement was very important if you wanted to be able to afford to live.

What is concerning is the next generation. Pensions are drying up and a 401k will probably not be enough unless they are able to save a substantial amount from their paycheck. With all the talk about doing away or greatly reducing SS and Medicare— what will they do?

With that being said, I don’t want to be too judgemental. However, I find usery distasteful. I have a neighbor that met this woman who was draining his bank account. He was an older gent with early dementia, and she took advantage. Luckily, his kids found out and put a stop to it.

Lupe’s husband- I am sure there are women out there that feel the same as you and want to remain independent. If you read many of the posts here, many say they wish they just had someone to talk to or share dinner or a show. Guess it’s best to get to know someone really well and to keep tight-lipped about finances and other personal information. To those who express their materialistic views early on and all their personal business— back away. No. Run!

A lot of these relationship issues are sort of like threading a needle, right?    We are more independent, but still want a relationship under the right circumstances.    We want someone who is financially secure, but also don't want to be a gold digger.  . By the way, my daughter doesn't see me being in another relationship.   We'll see what happens,

RSS

© 2018   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service