For those who have dated... how did you know when you were ready?

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Permalink Reply by crying on September 24, 2011 at 8:03am

renee

Don;t let people judge you..you are young.  I admire you..pushing on since his death.  I'm 51 (young but maybe not to you) and i died with my husband.  I want nothing to do with anyone or anybody.  I feel I can't have fun or smile without him for guilt that he should be smiling with me.  My husband died suddenly but we use to joke and he told me you better not ever get remarried and I wouldn't wanted him to either...go out and live...not make sure its not a rebound thing, cuz the year anniversary will hit you like there is no tommorow.

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Permalink Reply by Helenely on September 24, 2011 at 8:12am

Renee- you are young and deserve to find someone and live out your dreams and have children. I was suddenly widowed in 2008. I waited 2 years and then felt ready to try dating. I was looking for the dinner out,  a walk , a movie. I went on Match.com and went on 3 different dates. The 3rd date I got butterflies in my stomach when I met him. We have been seeing eachother for a yr and a half now. He is divorced and has 2 college aged kids. I have a 16 and a 20 yr old. We have had so many wonderful times together but it has been emotional for me as well. My kids were not happy about me dating and a part of me was scared. You are a lot younger than me- I was widowed at 45. Try match - go out enjoy yourself as much as you can. It will happen and you deserve to find love, be loved and have a second chance. None of us asked for this- it is something that happened. We do have the choice how we live the rest of out lives though and you will find the right person- I know it!!!

 

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Permalink Reply by Macduff (Hal) on September 24, 2011 at 11:37am

I am kicking myself (so to speak) because I didn't go to my 50th high school reunion last weekend. It's just a five hour drive and I intended to go; but at the last minute decided not to. Honestly, the reason would be to see if there'd be a miraculous love at first site moment with one of my former classmates. But I figured from all the girls I had crushes on who were on the list with married names, none would be available.  Wrong. It didn't occur to me that divorced women with children keep their married names unless they remarry, and of course so do widows.

 

I have since been emailing one of them. She was one of the most beautiful and classy girls in my high school class. She has been divorced for 30 years and is available, but disgusted with the men who are out there. We've been emailing back and forth and I called her and had a great conversation last night. Not that this will amount to anything (that would beat some very long odds) but she is only a 4 1/2 hour drive away. She also told me that another girl I had a crush on, and who was at the reunion, still looked great, and is also now single.

 

I never would have dared ask either of them for a date in high school because they were so beautiful and popular. Not that I didn't go out with pretty girls but they were all a year or two younger. Only the jocks and popular boys went out with girls in their own class.

 

I was surprised when this woman initiated the email when she learned I hadn't planned on going, and kept it going when I emailed her back. I was surprised she even remembered me. 

 

Regardless of my dating someone from high school, I rave reconnected with a good high school friend I haven't seen since the 25th reunion. He has a great marriage of 40 years (like mine was) and says my loss has really gotten he and his wife to appreciate what they have. He is putting a lot of pressure on me to visit them in Williamburg, VA - it would have to just be a weekend since he's an anesthesiologist and at 68 still works five days a week. We've talked about six times on the phone already and sent numerous emails back and forth.

 

As to the woman, I sent her a bunch of photos of me, and she promises to send me one of her. Thankfully at 67 I have aged pretty well.

 

So if no romance come from this it is significant that I have a new "old" friend to add to the list of truly close friends I have, a list that now is up to THREE.

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Permalink Reply by Macduff (Hal) on September 27, 2011 at 10:42am

I am not going to give up with the online dating but I know it is a painful slog through every date when you know almost right off she "isn't the one"... Going on 21 months, it is scary but reassuring to hear that it takes years to find someone - and sometime you just never do. At age 67 it is especially disturbing to think I'll be looking when I'm 70.

 

It isn't like I expect another Betty. I don't look at her many photos ( I have about 2,000 on the computer) but I looked at some this morning and, not like I needed it, was reminded how incredibly beautiful and special she was.

 

Now I am off to be taken to lunch by my financial advisor who will reassure me that despite the dire economic situation in the states and the world, I won't find myself on a breadline or eating cat food to survive.

 

Take care all of you. I am off to see the wizard in the upscale town of Norwell, Mass. Lucky for me he is the New England director of his company, and reassuring as well that it is a Canadian company since I do not trust American ones.

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Permalink Reply by Janine (txmomx6) on September 27, 2011 at 11:12am

I started the on-line dating thing"" a little over a month ago and have hated it.  I think I was finally at the, "Oh, what the hell?" point so I signed up.  I know several people (widows and more) who've met their spouse there.  I also knew that I live in a small community and the single men are not crawling out of the woodwork!  I really hated it in the beginning.  I am currently trying 3 sites:  in order, eHrmoney, match and christianminlge.

While I am in no hurry to meet someone, eHarmony moves at a snail's pace and became very frustrating very early on.

On the flip side, Match came at me way too fast.  I had no idea that people could see me on and IM me, which they did the very first time I went on to look at my matches.  Three IMs in less than a minute from three different guys, all quiet anxious  to get my personal email so that we could "chat" better and faster.  I politely demurred, saying that I was still new at all of this and not comfortable giving that info out.

Christian Mingle is just as slow as eHarmony.

After a few weeks I decided to quit all three.  I've already paid for 3 months so I can't really quit, but I decided to just delete every "here's your match for today!" email and everything else that wasn't an actual correspondence from a real person on one of those sites.  And so I did.  And continue to do so.  I don't go on the sites at all, just delete every daily email and count down the days until my membership is over.

And then last week a man from Match e-mailed me.  I read it, thought it sounded interesting, so went on line and checked out his profile.  He looked interesting so I e-mailed back.

We exchanged 2 more emails before he asked me out.  That was 3 dates ago and more in front of us .... at least for now.

So I guess my advice would be ..... go ahead and sign up on whatever site feels right, and then just sit back and wait and go about your life.  If you enjoy going through all of the profiles and sending messages then, by all, means, do that.  I just realized it wasn't for me.  I also added this to all of my profiles:  "I will not make the first move.  I've had to do it before and had to to it in a previous relationship.  I don't enjoy that and it makes me uncomfortable so I won't be dong it again."

So my thoughts are ... put yourself out there and then just wait, if that makes you more comfortable.  You've got nothing to lose (except for the cost of the membership).  If you're more of an extrovert then heck, go all out on those sites.  Because, no matter what you do and how you put yourself out there ..... who knows what will happen?!

That's just my two cents (which probably isn't even worth 1 cent.  

:)

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Permalink Reply by Janine (txmomx6) on November 22, 2011 at 12:53pm

Definitely agree about the free dating sites.  I would steer clear of them.

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Permalink Reply by Macduff (Hal) on September 27, 2011 at 2:53pm

If you're over 55 try seniorpeoplemeet,com

 

Be sure to post lots of recent photos, face and full length. It makes a difference to guys more than to women.

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Permalink Reply by bethjo on October 2, 2011 at 9:03am

Thanks Janine.  Appreciate the experience vicariously.

I am at the point where I think it would be good to have some single friends (male, I mean).  My kids are older teen/young adult, my husband died 2 1/2 yrs ago.  We had a very strong social network, and my closest friends are couples/families that are my friends and friends of the family.  But I do need some single friends.  If I stay single for the rest of my life, it would be good.  If I don't, a good marriage will start off as a friendship.

 

I am going out on a limb and initiating a smallish social outing with another widowed girlfriend this month. Finally gathered the nerve to invite a single guy I have some awareness of (really respect what I do know about him), explained a bit what we were doing, and asked him to bring some friends as well.  He was all for it, so we'll see how that goes.

 

Have looked at the eHarmony and Christian Cafe websites.  I never get past the "have you been happy for the last 30 days" question on eHarmony.  Its become a standing smiler with my kids.  "K, mom, what day are you on?"  My 16yos said yesterday: "once a person's happy for 30 days, why would they even need eHarmony?  they like life as it is."

 

At Christian Cafe you get to see the pictures and profiles without making one of your own.  (Can you tell I'm very much in the beginning stages?)  

 

Its one thing having intense loneliness, its totally another thing doing this online matchmaking stuff.  Thanks for sharing your experiences.  It makes sense to me.

 

One step at a time in this strange world.  For today, I"m gonna try to keep a thankful for good things I have perspective.  One is a chance to read what you guys are sharing, and to share with you. (Hey, you're some of my first new single friends!)

 

 

 

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Permalink Reply by pumpkin on October 2, 2011 at 12:16pm

Hey Bethjo,

Please let us know how that gathering goes. I'd love to do the same but am not yet quite there yet.

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Permalink Reply by bethjo on October 15, 2011 at 1:18am

Hey, the outing went well.  Just in.  It landed being my girl friend and the guy I invited.  Very laid back, some miniature golf and long coffee.  Good conversation.  Just was a good thing.  Don't know more than that  . . .

Thankful!

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Permalink Reply by Janine (txmomx6) on October 2, 2011 at 3:45pm

Great!  I look forward to hearing how that meeting goes.  :)

And it's nice to meet you, my also-single friend.  :)

 

P.S.  Date #4 was yesterday and we spent the entire day together.  Twelve hours .... just mostly talking, asking and answering questions, watching football and then a night out.

It was pretty darn good.  Which is why we're going to dinner tonight.  :)

You never know.  And we ALL know that life is too damn short .... so enjoy what you have, and who you have, while you have them.  Live.  Laugh.  And if you get the chance .... love.

:)

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Permalink Reply by Janine (txmomx6) on November 22, 2011 at 1:04pm

Hi again!  Wondering how you're doing Beth, and also giving you an update.  Unfortunately, it's not a good one.  :(
We just broke up last week .... suddenly and badly.  I'm still not sure what happened, but he seemed to change drastically over the previous week or so.

Until then everything had been great .... amazing!  I'd gone to SC with him to meet his family and he'd met some of my kids.  We planned for him to meet the rest of mine on Thanksgiving, and then I went with him to NC to meet his mom a couple of weekends ago.  The weekend turned out badly .... and then so did he.
So I quit, before things got worse.

It's been sad and very painful, in spite of having only known each other for 2 months.  I felt like I'd known him forever.  

It was good for me to go back and read what I wrote to you in the first note .... about just trying the dating thing out and saying, "What the heck?!"  Life is short .... and you never know what may happen.  I needed to be reminded of that.  Life IS short.  I did have fun with him while it lasted.  And I did learn something:  you can't really know a person in two months, so take your time.  I won't be so quick to jump in seriously next time .... but will be more cautious.  And yet, I don't want to let this keep me from meeting someone else, either.  I'm tempted to just lick my wounds and stay home, but I know I have to fight that urge.  I just need to make sure I take things a lot slower, and remind myself that there's no hurry.

So there you go .... I gave myself a therapy session while I wrote all of that as it came to me .... and you got to read more than you probably wanted to know.  :) 

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