A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
My BFF Helen told me about this so today, I was totally bored, disappointed over not feeling chemistry with last night's date, and having had a meltdown over Betty when I went to take a nap, I decided driving across town to take a photo to share here would be something to do.
I guess it is one approach. Of course he got the tense of woman wrong, unless he wants more than one.
Those who don’t know me from previous posts see below.
Thanks for sharing so much. I appreciate your experiences, and would like to learn from them. You said that you began dating before a year, and it was too early. This is all so confusing, wanting to be ready to date and worrying about it being too soon. I'm almost at the year mark, and I really want to date, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Also not sure I should even be considering it with three teens in the house! But the desire for someone special has awaken in me.
The "crush" I told you about in March (at the work conference) turned out to be no real attraction once i got to know him a bit better. But realizing that I actually wanted someone in my life was helpful. The last day of the conference I got to spend some time with a widower friend and we have been writing back and forth. I think I got too excited about it and maybe wrote too much, because he backed off this week. Not really sure what happened. But it does have me curious and thinking about whether I might have pushed to much, whether he is even ready for that much talking with a woman (he's just over 5 months out).
I gotta say, Hal, we seemed to be very compatible and I have so enjoyed his company! The sudden backing off has made the feelings of loneliness, etc. come up even stronger again. Although, that could be just the emotions from the one year anniversary coming up. But I can't help but hope that the feelings are real, and that he could become someone very special in my life.
It is obviously different for everyone, but for me the early dating was a desperate attempt to find a clone of Betty, and to ease my intense pain. It was obviously unfair to any woman I dated who really liked me. I was pretty hard to like then since I was so obviously depressed and unwilling and unable to see a woman without comparing her to Betty.
Since I changed my profile, and on one website honed it down to very little, I have had a lot more women wanting to meet me. In fact, on the website with the least writing women are saying they want to meet me based on how kind and sensitive I look. Goes to show it isn''t just men influenced by appearance. I have to admit I put the following one on because everyone from Betty to my friends say the dogs are babe magnets.
Hey, if you got 'em, use 'em.
Back to you and what you seem to be going through. Not that this will be news to you, but you just suffered an excruciating loss. Even though the failure of a new relationship, for whatever reason, isn't even in the same ballpark.
Even so, when a new relationship doesn't live up to hopes and expectations it is yet another loss.
Readiness for dating isn't either / or. You may be half ready, 75% ready, but I have come to realize that it is unlikely you will ever be 100% ready. No matter when you start your grief and all that comes with it will be something you will have to deal with.
lol - love your humor Hal - oh and by the way CUTE dogs - although the one showing his teeth doesn't do him justice :)
Oh him, his hair is a bit windblown, but he does have a nice brushed lamb coat from Orvis.
An update on dating, which may help others struggling with one date after another like I am where these just isn't chemistry on first meeting. I met with a woman from online last night. For something like 10 days we exchanged long emails once a day so we both felt we be might be quite compatible. But when we met IT just wasn't there. It seemed like work to make conversation.
She asked me specific things about my life and I found myself telling oft told stories. I asked her about herself and I expect it was the same with her. There's something boring and forced about telling a story about yourself that you've told countless times.
Maybe it would be best to discuss the daily news or latest movie you've seen so at least you can talk about something new. I wonder if you'd learn even more about your feelings about each other that way.
The emails seemed so hopeful that I considered canceling another first date I have had set up for over two weeks. With her there been no follow-up email.
Maybe it is better to wait until the first meeting before you have these extended email exchanges so expectations aren't built up in advance. Perhaps it is best to decide on whether t meet on what you feel you have in common on the dating site profiles.
Reading everyone's experiences is so reassuring. It has only been four months since my loss, yet my body yearns for what it has been missing, however, I am not ready for dating- the very thought just freaks me out.
My husband's supervisor invited me to go away to a Caribbean island less than one month after my husband's death and needless to say I declined. (Talk about INDECENT and TOO SOON.). A guy who has been our neighbor for 17 years but divorced for the past 2 years made a pass at me 2 months after my husband's death, so I now avoid him.
I have to heal. It is the first time since I was 18 that I have not had him by my side and it is very different. I know that this is an opportunity for growth as an individual. It is a challenge to deal with the loneliness and I am cautious and very aware that loneliness could make a person just go for someone. I am making every effort to avoid that.
I do not know when I will be ready. I have no idea. I just know that I am not ready right now.
Mariposa, I am not sure I am ready after 27 months,although I am trying to meet women. It may not be fair to the women I meet up with via online - most of them seem to like me a lot. I do know I want to have a partner again but we end up on this website because we have taken our loss especially hard and need to share with others who feel the same way. We need to have our feelings affirmed so we don;t feel like we are alone, or worse, crazy.
I don't think either of us (or any of us on this thread) will let loneliness lead us into a bad relationship. After all, we know from our marriages what a good, exceptionally good (for most on this site I bet) marriage is like. We won't settle for less.
While there are no hard and fast rules for dating I would say the first 6-12 months are way too early for most of us. Your late husband's supervisor asking you on a Caribbean trip, no doubt with sex in mind, was so far out of line I'd even like to track him down and (if I could get away with it) dump a load of pig manure on him. Your neighbor was just as bad. I guess I'd need two truckloads of pig manure. If you have ever been downwind (and I have when we lived in Michigan) from a pig farm you'll know why I choose that particular kind).
We do grow as individuals through our intense grief. Some of us (and I include myself) brutally, unflinchingly, confront our aloneness for the first time in our lives. But it is a kind of growth I could have done without. I liked letting part of my identity integrate with my wife and I don't think I was harmed by this - I can say without embarrassment (and remember I was a psychotherapist for my entire adult life) that I was not completely self-actualized.
I was very emotionally dependent on my wife.
I needed her to make me feel whole.
There, I've said it.
Hello Hal, I feel that after being with my wife for almost 40 years we did become almost one. Now that the best half of us is gone,I am an incomplete being. As I have mentined to you before I have been dating a widower,but I am not able to fall in love . Sometime she will say some thing like lets go to "our" favorite restaurant, it makes me cringe. Although I like her,I dont feel comfortable when she refers to us as a couple. I know I am probably blowing a good thing if I lose this lady. My thereapist tells me he has dealt with more women that feel like I do,they want to date,have sex, but dont want a commitement becaus the dont want to be in the postion of a caregiver.I guess thats whats on people of a certain age minds, especially if the have went through this before. another thing that trouble me is doing things with this lady that I should have done with my wife, but we were to busy working and planning for our future. The one thing I must say about my lady friend is that she doesnt want or need anything from me.Sorry for th long rant,just having one of those kind of days.