A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
About 2 years after my husband died I felt like I was a little ready. I guess I needed to know that I was still attractive or perhaps that someone of the opposite sex was interested in me. Everyone that knew me knew my story, knew my husband. I wanted to meet someone that didnt know anything about me, my past.etc.I went on Match.com and met some "nice people". You have to be careful and its a lot different to date when you are in your 20s then when you are in your 40s.
I met a nice guy on line and we emailed eachother a little bit and talked on the phone but our schedules were a little crazy so I went on 3 coffee day time dates and all those guys were nice. Each wanting to know how my husband died etc. One idiot asked me how much money I got. (Didnt go on another date with him)
Well I finally met the email guy on a Mon night and when I walked into the bar area and saw him I got butterflies like I was in 7th grade. I told myself that I was just being desperate and foolish, but a year later we are still going out. My kids were 18 and 15 at the time and they didnt think I waited long enough. It hasnt been easy and I take it slow. "John" is very understanding of the boys feelings. It is very emotional because its not something that you ever thought you would be doing and part of me feels guilty. I can only say that if I died first I would want my husband to date and be happy. I went through so much sadness and still do, I am happy for the good times with someone else and welcome them.
Dont let your friends set you up, do it on your own.
I started dating early, 10 months after my husband died. Dating somehow gave me hope. I think it was a way to deny that the worst had happened: I had lost my life as I knew it! I wasn't ready to face the fact that the man I had often referred to as my "perfect husband" was actually gone. I wasn't ready to face facts yet.
Through dating, I could sit in front of a computer screen looking at postage stamp size pictures of men and imagine that somehow one of them could restore my life for me. I imagined that a new guy could just come along and be my new husband and father for my children. I was crazy. Instead of drinking, or collapsing, or retreating, or getting depressed, I met men in coffee shops imagining that the next one might be the one who would make my old life return. I was definitely deluded. But I don't regret it. I was trying to regain balance through connection.
The funniest thing I did (or craziest) was when I asked my internist if he would fix me up with someone! I did it like this: "Dr. X, you know that being in a committed relationship is healthy for people. Therefore I don't believe it's beyond the scope of your duty to help me find a man!" Can you believe I did that?! Anyway, he's such a great doctor, he actually fixed me up!
About three years and a half years after Ken's death, I was involved with a guy...we'll call him "IMMATURE ASSHOLE" who I dated for 4 months. He dumped me over the telephone. And voila! That did it. I completely collapsed in a way I didn't even allow myself to collapse after my fantastic and amazing husband died. I finally understood: My husband Ken was GONE. I would have to rebuild a new life on my own. No one could save me. Then I really started to heal.
After Ken died, I couldn't imagine how I'd live without him and how my kids could live without their amazing dad, so unlike you, I went a little crazy online trying to recreate my old life. (Nuts, right?) It was a big distraction from my pain. A little more than 4 years after Ken died, I went to my 25th college reunion (locally) and met Mark who I've been with ever since. He is not like Ken and he is not my children's father, but I have learned through the fire of Ken's illness, how to enjoy good that is right in front of me. Mark is good. Will we marry? Will we even live together? I have no idea. I have changed as a person though because I can live a little easier with ambiguity now. I thought Ken was the surest bet I'd ever make but instead I was widowed at 44 with two young kids. Good is good. I gravitate toward it, and more than ever I shy away from anything or anyone that makes me feel stressed or bad. I've had enough of that. xx
I love this site/forum. It helps me to know that I am not the only one going through these changes and experiences alone and that "no, I am not crazy" or being irrational.
I appreciate your comment. I too am gravitating towards what is good and moving away from stresses and unnecessary pressures.
Thank you. I have never been alone and my husband died in Dec. I realize that I have a journey to take before I can heal. I have to heal before I can be in another healthy relationship
Right there with you. I realized this past week (today is only 2 weeks for me since Carl passed) But it hit me that I have never been alone! I literally met Carl the day I turned 18 and moved out and got my first real job at a resort. 3months later we were dating and 6mos after that we were married. April 30th would have been 18yrs. He told me to move on should he not make it this round as I was far too young to live the rest of my life alone. So I know I have his permission should something come along, but I fear the what ifs our marriage was great. We had our ups and downs like any other but worked thru them together and got stronger each time. So many of my friends have been divorced, we were the only ones still married first round. I fear out of loneliness and having never been alone that I might try and jump back in too soon.
My thoughts pretty much exactly, moosemama3. I met Mark when I was 17 and still lived at home, and by the time I was 18 I was living with him. When I was almost 21, I was pregnant and we got married. Now, 9 years later and 3 kids later, I am all alone. I have never liked being alone. Not ever. Even when he went away for his weekly jam sessions my mom came to stay with me for the evening. Believe it or not I actually have some rare evenings now where I think..."hmmm......I can watch whatever movie I want to tonight.....this whole 'alone' stuff isn't sooooo bad" And when I think about dating I think I am only thinking about it because I don't want to be alone. It's only been just over 5 months since he's been gone, and I know my heart is still completely and totally his. I'm thinking it will be a while yet before I'm ready for that step.
im so sorry for your loss. my husband has been gone for about 14 months. it is so hard. we were young, he was 25 and i was 26 when he passed away. i was left with an 18 month old and a crazy crazy mother in law causing a ton of stress in my already broken life... i felt like i had the perfect husband and he could never be replaced... then, his family turned against me after he died and after about 3 months all the support that had been there after he died suddenly seemed to be gone. it seemed like everyone had gone back to living their life and i was all alone. i sat in my big empty house, day in and day out alone with just my little boy and it was so hard and so lonely. i cried all the time. i ached for my husband, to touch him to hold him to talk to him. then, around month 5 a guy i went to high school with started to get in touch with me. he let me talk about my husband and really seemed to listen. it was wonderful. he had a little boy a little older than my son, so we got together for a couple of playdates and he really seemed like he was "there for me". then one night he cooked me dinner, said all the right things... well you know how that goes... well, i got pregnant. the guy turned out to be a nightmare... i chose to keep the baby and it has been the most difficult thing ive ever had to do. admit to people that i jumped into a relationship (or whatever you call it) to soon, have people thinking i didnt love my husband or judging. many people have been so supportive and understanding... but it is still so hard. i feel like i didnt even have a chance to grieve for my husband and now im carrying all this added stress. i share my story with you because i know how scary it is to be alone. how lonely it is how heartbreaking. but please dont make my mistake just to be with someone even for companionship. jumping into a relationship is one of the worst things you can do because you are not thinking clearly (whether you believe you are or not). You ARE vulnerable whether you feel like it or not. i didnt believe i was vulnerable, i felt like i had the situation and my feelings under control. i didnt. noone understands what you have been through unless they have been through it, but you need to find someone who cares about you and your situation, and you need to figure out and sort out your own feelings about death, grief, loss, all of it... before you can even try to be happy with someone else again. just be careful. :) im very sorry for your loss.
dobster, I feel the same way. I am 19 months out and still have not missed a day crying since 12/31/10. On paper that sounds clinically depressed and I know I hover at the edge, but I also allow myelf time and space to grieve. I want to be healthy and whole from my fiance's suicide, healthy in and of myself, before I merge with anyone else on an imtimate committed level aain. I think it's good to be on my own. I want that for my daughter's as well, for them to be secure in who they are and then be free to give to someone else. I feel I will be able to enter a relationship with more to offer than need.