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My DH passed just over 2 weeks ago from a sudden cardiac arrest.  I have been numb, shocked and devastated.

.  We have had separate bedrooms for a while because he snored and liked to sleep with our dog.  However, we were still intimate, although he lately found it hard to get an erection and I didn't get much intimacy from him i.e not enough cuddling.  He also demanded more extreme sex.  He was 69 and I am 65, and we had been married 35 years, so I wanted a more companionable intimacy.

Yesterday, I had the urge to look at his browsing history on Google, just to see what things he had been interested in lately and I found he had been visiting extreme porn sites, usually late a night.  The browsing history only went back to March of this year, so I couldn't see how long he had had this habit.

It explains a lot about how he wasn't affectionate enough with me, but I now feel betrayed and defiled.  I also feel angry. Maybe this contributed to his cardiac arrest. After all he was taking pills for high blood pressure and cholesterol.  He is just not the man I thought I knew.  A also feel sickened that he did all this while he was in bed with our Spaniel.  

Not sure how to manage this at the moment.

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I'm so sorry Lindi. It's always hard to find out something disturbing about our beloveds after they pass away. (((((hugs)))))

I've phoned a counselor I know who is going to have a session with me tomorrow.

I just need to get this out and untangle my confusion over how I feel.  In the meantime I spoke to a bereavement counsellor who listened and didn't judge.  He just said I must look after myself and my current needs.

It's similar to finding .your loved one had debts or a mistress.  i.e betrayel  

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