A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Rachael - I understand what you are going through. My husband was also supposed to be released to go into a
rehab - but being in the hospital too long he developed septic and had a bacterial infection called Klesbeilla.
What infection did your husband have? My husband was in the hospital about the same amount of time and died 4 days before my birthday. I miss him sooo much - it has only been 10 weeks for me.
Glad you are on this site!
Does anyone else out there look for blame? With the recent deaths I have experienced, I feel I am always looking for someone, an actual person to blame. I could blame my mothers doctor or I could blame her for refusing to stop smoking. My brother, I blame the teenager that hit him and I blame the system for slapping her on the wrist with a $135.00 ticket and nothing else. But for my husbands death, I blame myself. He told me he did not feel well and was going to take a bath. I knew that he had had seizures in the past. I also knew when he was unable to keep his medication down, he had a chance of having a seizure. I also knew every seizure he has ever had was in the morning. So, I think if I were just more considerate I would have gone in the bathroom with him. I couldn't get in the tub, which would have been fun, because my grandchildren were there.
Toni, I think a lot of us look to blame somebody. It helps to have a focus to be mad at. But please, don't blame yourself. Nobody can stand between their loved ones and whatever might happen to them 24/7. I'll bet a lot of us here can say, "If only I'd done that, made him do this, convinced her to try that. . . ." I know I sure can. It doesn't help, it doesn't change anything, and it makes us feel worse. And it's not true, anyway. We'll all human, and we have times when we don't pick up on things we didn't even realize were clues until we look back on them later.
Please do not blame yourself. In 'grief talk', what you're doing is classic bargaining. I know because I do it all the time. It's when the 'if onlys' come up. If only I had....he wouldn't have died. I don't think we have that much power. I used to really fool myself, thinking that if I had just insisted that they keep up the antibiotic even though Kerry wanted them to stop, that he would have miraculously recovered, gotten treatment and then be cured of pancreatic cancer. Realistically, that just was never going to happen. As if I had the power to make all that happen.
So don't blame yourself. It's a waste of your energy. Be kind and patient with yourself.
Hi Toni. I'm sorry for your loss, but please don't blame yourself. I guess in my case I do have someone to blame..the man that hit my husband. (At times I even get angry at my husband, thinking had he not loved cycling so much he wouldn't have been out there on his bike for that idiot to hit!) I guess it helps sometimes to have someone to hate for the position I'm in now. My Mother keeps telling me all things happen for a reason...but I've yet to figure out what reason there could be for my wonderful husband to be killed.
There are two things people say that I hate. One is you will find someone else someday, and the other is everything happens for a reason. I think that is bullshit. My husband was a great guy and loved by everyone. My parents loved him, my children loved him, my ex husband and his wife loved him and even my ex mil and fil love him, and they have ALWAYS hated me. No reason for that man to die.
Oh I know! One of my mother's friends actually ask her if she thought I would remarry. My husband has only been gone 7 weeks and she ask that!?!? I can't even IMAGINE finding someone else HALF as wonderful as my husband. He was perfect in my eyes and that would be really hard to compare to.
I know what you mean Toni. Hate those things also. Mike's dying will never be okay with me. I don't understand it either. Nobody didn't like him. Me, yes..him no. In fact, I'm pretty sure most people say she was the bitch....why not her? I always thought I would go first. He was always in better health than I was...Sure, everyone dies, but not at 62. I hate this life. 2.5 years later and not a lot easier.
Hello my name is Veronica and I am very sorry for your lost. I could relate to you about your mate being your first and only boy friend because my mate was my first and only boy friend. It seems so unfair that we are thrown into this cold world where everyone is using one another. We were treated in a special way and don't want to be used or hurt. I don't think we can deal with something like that. My husband stood 6 feet 3 220 pounds before he was diagnose with Cancer. When we sat with the doctor after he left work with a pain in his side and his eyes yellow. The doctor said he had stage 4 cancer and less than 6 months to live. My husband said he will beat this and for 11 months he did. Before he died he was as frail as a dry leaf. People say we are young and we will be ok but to watch your mate die in front your eyes I don't think you ever recover from that. And to think about being with someone else seems like you are betraying your partner (it seems like that to me). So I can understand why after all those years you have not dated. All we can do is try to hang in there. I hope your health gets better.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad you've found this site to share. I hope you're finding the same support and comfort here that I have. Wishing you peace.