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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Juls on March 28, 2012 at 11:42am

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you and your young son are going through. I'm only 10 months into this widow nightmare and I can sincerely say that the first 3 months were numbing and terrifying.  The second half of the first year are not easy - they are sad, lonely, profoundly exhausting.  Please consider grief counseling - Alive Hospice offers free counseling to anyone who has lost someone if they were under the care of hospice.  But even if that doesn't work out - find a professional who specializes in this type of grief.  My therapy has kept me alive. And that is your only goal - survival - at this point.  My thoughts are with you.  Let others in and let others help you.  Keep all those negative or energy draining friends/acquaintances and family at a distance.  Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on March 28, 2012 at 2:53pm

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, we are in grief counseling and it does help. I know it will take time for the healing to be complete. I am really grateful that I discovered this place because it does help knowing that there are others that do understand.

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Permalink Reply by bethsheba on March 28, 2012 at 12:30pm

You are probably still feeling pretty raw and scared right now. It sounds like your ordeal was a wirlwind of uncertainity.  I'm glad you found us.  I just joined too.  I wish i had more words of comfort but there are none.

 

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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on March 28, 2012 at 2:54pm

Thanks for the words of kindness. Yes, it went by too quickly and it is at times difficult to wrap my head around it. But, I am taking it day by day.

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Permalink Reply by Jerry on March 28, 2012 at 12:23pm

    Hi My name is Jerry,I joined this group a couple of months ago, and have been reading the posts and did post a few times myself. My wife Karen passed away in January 2010, so it has been over 2 years that she is gone.It does get easier to deal with as time passes, but also causes guilt when I feel I am not thinking about her as much. We were married 35 years,and have 2 married children and 3 grandchildren. I have been tring to get along with my life, even went so far as to  dating a nice widow I met on Match.com, but still can feel just quite right about that. Her husband passed away 3 years ago, and she seems to be in a different place then I am in the grief process. Sometimes I feel I would just rather be alone the rest of my life. I dont mind going to a movie with her, or to dinner, but really done think I could ever live with someone in the same house as a couple. Only time will tell how this goes.

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Permalink Reply by pattia on March 28, 2012 at 12:35pm

Hi Jerry, I am so sorry for your loss. I too am at 2+ years, and I know exactly how you feel! I have looked at some dating sites, but have stopped short of paying to join. I don't want to put any money into it because I am a huge skeptic about the people I will meet, and like you, sometimes feel my destiny is to be alone. Many times I have thought that I would not be able to live with anyone else, even a family member. But at the same time, I want some widowed friends  - either male or female - for companionship. My family is too busy. 

I have belonged here for a while, but I do not post often because I rarely have anything to say. This is a great place, and I hope you find comfort here.

{{{Hugs}}}, Patti

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Permalink Reply by Jerry on March 28, 2012 at 12:57pm

 I can understand  fear about meeting someone online. I did ask the lady I met how she felt a about this. She told me she meet some  other men,as she did me, in a dinner near her house in the morning to feel safe. My probelem is she wants me to be more involved with her family, and her with mine. I dont want to do this. I met her married children and they are fine with me.But I cant bring my self to even tell my children about her.We see each other a few times a week,and talk on the phone, but she wants more,and I am not in that frame of mind at this time and may never be.

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Permalink Reply by Nance on March 28, 2012 at 4:27pm

Hi Jerry,

I know the feeling well...It is 2 1/2 yrs. today for me and we were also married 35 years with 2 children. In Dec. I had my first date in 40 years and it was very strange. The more time goes on the more I also don't know if I could live with someone again either. I guess that's why we take this road one day at a time!

Nancy

 

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Permalink Reply by Jerry on March 28, 2012 at 4:34pm

Hello, going on a date was very foreign to me. I did and do try to act like the perfect gentleman, opening the car door for example. This sometimes gives me a weird feeling, since I didn't always do this for my wife.i am learning to take life one day at a time,never will know what tomorrow will bring. I am not much for making plans any more.

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Permalink Reply by Susieg on March 28, 2012 at 5:41pm

Don't make this widow thing more complicated than it already is.  I am at almost 3 years and I can tell you that you cannot force yourself to do anything that does not feel right or you will regret it.  People tell me I need to get out and meet people, but where?  Bars?  Church?  Don't go, all much older or married anyway.  To the mall?  Why?  I am most comfortable at my house with my 2 dogs and that means by myself.  I am lonely, but not so lonely I would go hunting for someone to be my other half.  That will never happen.  I  loved my husband more than anything.  We were together for 30 years, married for 20.  He was my other (better) half.  I was with him over half my life.  There is no way I will ever have that history or love for anyone else again.  I have accepted that.  If it means I am alone, well...so be it.  I am 58, don't work and tried to volunteer as a CASA, but it was not the right time.  It was too soon after Mike died and disappointed me more than anything.  I hope sometime I will find something that interests me, but this website and others like it have helped more than anything...talking to people who "get it".  The second year was hardest for me.  I can now go a few days without crying, but still at almost 3 years miss him like crazy.  If I had known how hard this would be I don't think I would still be here....honestly.  

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Permalink Reply by Juls on March 28, 2012 at 5:48pm

I feel exactly the same way.  I was married to my soulmate for 20 years and we worked really hard to get to that point - sacrificing along the way.  20 years was way too short.  I understand people wanting companionship (I get very lonely except for my sweet little dog) , but it would be totally unfair for me to spend time with anyone unless they wanted the same thing as me - nothing - except someone to converse with about the movie we just saw or the dinner we just ate - that's it.  Since everyone keeps telling me "he is in a better place" and "how fortunate he no longer suffers," etc.  I want to be there with him - and that's what I kept telling him - don't leave me here by myself.  What a whiner I was - he couldn't help that he was leaving, but he knew every minute that he would be missed and that I loved him with every fiber of my being.  I regret some things I did or didn't do - but not that.

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Permalink Reply by moosemama3(Renee) on April 2, 2012 at 11:05pm

Hi I am Renee.  My husband just passed away March 23rd and his wake was this past Saturday March 31st.  There was one person that she said she was widowed in 2011 and the best advice she could give was to join a forum for widows others that truly understood what we are going thru.  I took her up on this information as it was the best keen non repeated advice or sympathies.  My husbands journey started May 21, 2010.  Went in for a routine exam he was a class A driver they did his colonoscopy and discovered he had a near blocking tumor for colorectal cancer.  Did surgery that day, after healing time did radiation treatment, took a 1 1/2 yrs to recoup and just as he was finally feeling human and getting a little back to life found out Jan 2012 it mets to his liver.  At the time it was a 3.3cm tumor.  Local docs would only do chemo and watch to see what happened so referred him to Colorado where they suggested surgery said chemo wasn't going to help.  They said with surgery could give him up to a couple years depending on trials and advancement in medicine etc, but w/o definitely he might have 3-6mos if he was lucky.  Well sounded like a no braining lets get as much time possible so decided to go with surgery.  Was scheduled for Feb.  So in October there was no tumor on scans, Jan there was a 3.3cm tumor and in Feb when they removed it ....8cm tumor!  They removed gallbladder, 70% of the liver and the tumor.  His liver never kicked in and started working again and eventually after weeks still in hospital his kidneys started shutting down.  After nearly 2 mos we tried a last ditched effort and do dialysis and that only weakened him further and no improvement on his labs.  At which time I said enough move him to comfort care in a quiet room like was offered since I couldn't bring him back home to Montana.  I watched him take his final breaths at 5:06 p.m. March 23, 2012.  

Today was my first day back to work and definitely MUCH too soon, but I am the manager and we are short staffed so until we get more hired I really can't take any downtime.  I got really sick to my stomach, had a couple mini breakdowns and an anxiety attack.  The thought of being in a hospital with the sounds, smells etc was definitely too much.  I love my job endlessly but was a bit overwhelming.  I work 3 more days this week and just pray I get thru it.  The kids are doing I think better than myself.  Today I think we are all having a moment.  Our son turned 12 yesterday and has been playing endlessly John Wayne movies or Chris LeDoux songs things that remind him of his father.  Our 14 yr old has been doing what she does best and that is draw.  Our 17yr old she is pretending at times she is okay but she was as much a daddys girl as you can get.  She works with me at the hospital and I think it is too much for her.  Think we are going to have a chat that even though she promised her father to not quiet it simply isn't good for her health wise right now.  Emotionally we have been thru too much and it is okay to say enough.

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