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Permalink Reply by going to make it on -
{{{HUGS}}} TJ! I'm so very sorry for the reason you have found us, but glad that you're reaching out. I have had 2 husbands die of cancer. My girl was 6 when my 1st husband died. I remarried 13 months later. 7 months after, we found out he had stage 4 lung cancer & had a tumor in his trachea that was larger than his trachea! They gave him less than 2 weeks without surgery. We flew to Denver and they removed the tumor but found that the cancer had spread to other areas. He was then given less than months by 3 drs. He lived over a year! It has been 17 months now. Some in this group have become like "family" to me and ALL of them have helped me through!
It does get better. It's not an easy journey and it sure isn't one we choose, but it's the one we must travel so I pray you find a way that is joyful for you and your son.
I've found I can ask, or share, anything here and not be embarrassed, not have to worry if I will be understood, or belittled. Here, I am understood and accepted.
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Permalink Reply by Determined1 on
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Hi, I'm Determined1.
My husband died in November of 2011. Heart Attack.
Happy to have found this site.
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Permalink Reply by going to make it on
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So sorry you need this place, but glad you found it. Hope it brings you the same help it has me.
{{{HUGS}}}
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Permalink Reply by Joyce on -
Hi determined: Welcome, you will be glad you found this site, I've found lots of support and comfort here.
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Permalink Reply by freddieb on
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Hello Determined1, I am happy you found this site too, but so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband, Walter, in January 2009, and this site has been a tremendous help for me. Sometimes just reading the posts helps even if I don't feel up to commenting that day. Take care. (((Hugs))).
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Permalink Reply by Juls on -
I've decided to skip grief group tomorrow night...the topic is our "family"......I guess the focus will be how our spouses' death has impacted our family dynamics. My family of origin was so indifferent and screwed up during Frank's illness, that I don't think the group needs to hear all that. I get the impression that the others have compassionate and sensitive family. Anyone else out there sort of feeling adrift and left to fend on your own.
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Permalink Reply by Paula Rene on -
My family gives new meaning to the words dysfunctional. I was raised by a single mom and have two sisters. There was some abuse growing up so they left ASAP and I was the youngest so got the brunt of it. I did make a career move that took me to another city but when I married and had my daughter, my mom retired and moved to my city. She caused problems for me and my husband but he was so full of love that he worked with me to get her help. She was included on every vacation and in every activity. When he died, she fell apart, basically taking on my role. She was hospitalized and even acted like her husband had died. The hospital told me she couldn't go home and live on her own so I called my sisters for help. One never returned my calls and the other said, "Just put her somewhere."
Now, for "his" family. He had an adult son who I met a total of 5 times in the 16 years of our marriage, all when he appeared at our house or work, demanding money. I am now in my 13th year of litigation w/this stepson b/c my husband left him one dollar. We had a 9 year old and 13 year old who my husband convinced that the stepson would kidnap them for ransom. He had siblings, a brother in prison for the attempted murder of his pregnant wife (who threatened to kill me if I took my husband off of life support), another brother who was finally shot by his 8th wife who had a protective order against him, a third brother who was jealous of my husband's success (I call him Uncle Jedd and the rest, the hillbillies). Then the sister, who I allowed to stay in my home claims I killed my husband. He was on life support and in a coma for a month.
So, I took care of my mom, my children and never myself. I finally went to grief support 4 years later and fortunately one of the counselors realized I needed some extra help and pointed me in the right direction. Grief support is there to help everyone get through their grief regardless of their circumstances. Your story may help someone who is in denial and maybe doesn't have the support they are claiming to have or make someone feel better about their own circumstances.
I am still adrift and more on my own than ever and this website has helped immensely. But I wish I had gotten help sooner. I did benefit so much when I was in my grief group and yes, it hurts to hear about other families who had love and support during the time they needed it most but what if I were in your group and was sitting back feeling like I had no one in the world and the weight of the world on my shoulders and you had opened up and said you didn't have it so good either. I don't want to guilt you into going to your grief support but I benefited from mine when I did drag myself to it.
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Permalink Reply by Paula on -
totally, yesterday my sister in law told me that she has a lot of friends who are widows and I am that saddest and I really need to fix that
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Permalink Reply by Susieg on -
Juls, you are not alone. You should go because you might find out yours is not so bad. I didn't have kids, so my support consists of my younger sister, bro in law, older sister, 89 yr old mother....none of who really show much compassion after 3 years. My younger sister was the worst surprise....she was not able to be that compassionate. Would tell me to put on my big girl panties....they were close to Mike and kept saying..."we miss him too"....hello????? Not the same. My mom tried but isn't a lot better at showing compassion. My older sister was with me in the room when he died...she is ok...Mike's dad died 3 months after he did, and I kept a relationship with his sister, who I didn't like, to see my MIL, who had Alzheimers. She died Jan 9, and they have prettty much cut ties with me....so it's me and my dogs. It is almost 3 years 4/30, and I miss him as much today as i did then. I keep thinking, did I hug him enough in the hospital, I don't remember a lot of it...sometimes I just wish I was dead. Sorry, not much of a picker upper for you....
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Permalink Reply by Juls on
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Susieg,
Don't be sorry - it is what it is.....and I'm sorry you have a bad situation family-wise as well. I cling to my little dog, Murphy. My husband and I adopted him 6 months before Frank died. Murphy woke me up - I had fallen asleep for 45 minutes completely exhausted and sleep deprived - because he was sleeping at Frank's feet and realized something was wrong - Frank was dying. Had Murphy not started whining and crying to wake me up, I may have slept through Frank's passing. It chills me to even think of it. I am eternally grateful to my dog and he has been my constant companion and comfort. Even though Frank was in a "coma" the last 36 hours, I would never have forgiven myself if I had slept through his last hours. My son was away at school and my stepkids had offered to stay. But it turned out exactly right for me to be there with Frank alone (except for the hospice nurse I called). That's the way he would've preferred it. My family was so uninvolved and self-absorbed throughout his terminal illness, that I would never have turned to them in his last days. It's been almost one year. I beat myself up for not crawling into the hospital bed we had for him at home until that last night. I had certainly spent time with him in beds with him at the various hospitals. There are so many things I beat myself up about. Your line "sometimes I just wish I was dead" - I can definitely relate. But then I remember how badly Frank wanted to live - wanted to stay here and be a part of the grandkids growing up and enjoy life. Then I tell myself that I should try another 24 hours just in case it might get better.
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Permalink Reply by Paula Rene on
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Juls & Susieg,
I understand the "not wanting to go on" but I've learned to never say that to any doctor or grief counselor. You may find yourself "involuntarily" committed. I, too, pray that my problems will be over and tomorrow will be a better day. I have two adult children. One got married on Dec. 30th. I am praying my son and his wife have children soon but are going to graduate school. I so need something to consume me. However, his wife is so into her family, I am afraid I'll just get leftovers.
My daughter is completely absorbed in her career and travels 75% of the year all over the world. She has no desire to come visit me b/c of the memories, problems, etc. That's why I want to move to a town closer to her w/o the bad memories. My 86 year old mother lost it when my husband died as if he was her husband and my two sisters have dumped all the responsibility for her care on me b/c I am on disability and don't have a real job.
Juls, I can appreciate the story about Murphy b/c I had a Miniature Schnauzer who woke me up several times when my Diabetic son was close to comatose. I had to put her down a year ago and that has just added to my depression. Just keep the lines of communication open and we will get through this together.
That's what I like about this site, is that a person can say anything and someone else can relate and non of us are judged.
This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people
Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.
Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.
We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."
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