It's only been one month for me, Lillymariene. I will be turning 56 at the end of May and I'm just not ready to be a widow yet. I hate being alone too but I'm worried that it will make me very vulnerable to a bad relationship.
We were married for 37 1/2 years and I still can't accept the fact that Daryl is gone.
I was told not to leap into anything before a year, relationships included. Yes, you are lonely, but also vulnerable and grasping at straws, if you had a marriage like I did. We truly loved each other. A friend of mine's husband is in a nursing home and she never wants him home again, she is literally waiting for him to die for the insurance and the peace. I guess he was a real asshole, but still...most of us on here are grieving for someone we loved with everything we have. Besides which, it is one thing to think you want to date, but another thing to find someone. Be careful where you look. If you have any money at all, a lot of guys zero in on that. Those are the only ones who hit on me.....no thanks. All there is really where I live is bars...Lilly, don't be afraid to cry. I wish I could tell you new widows that you just have to get through the first year and it's all good. That has not been my experience. Everyone is different.
shelleyb57, Sorry about your loss of Daryl. I worry about being vulnerable, too. I don't want to rush into anything...and certainly not get into a new relationship right away. Today was a tough day for me. The weather is getting warmer and reminds me of that horrible last year, this time of day I'd be getting ready to head over to the nursing home. All my routines, as bleak as they were are gone. It's just so hard to get used to this new life.
I agree, there are just so many jerks out there. I met Don less than 6 months after my divorce, and 3 months after my mother died. I was going through a bad time then, but this is so much worse. I was lucky to have had my love for all those years.
Great advice! I was vulnerable two years after and allowed a man who I had known my entire life since I was 4 years old become a part of my life. He jumped in to help w/my son who was 8 when his dad died. He helped w/computer problems. It started off w/being about my children. He was so slick. Little did I know when he was repairing my computers, he was looking at my financials & putting on a program where he could access into my computer. If you can't trust someone you had known for over 38 years, who can you trust? His mother sent my children gifts & visited me when she came to town and when I went back to my hometown, I visited her. She passed away just a few months before my husband. John was a con man. When I finally agreed to date him--go on an actual date w/o the kids, he took it very slowly. He was a pro. And, I fell for it hook, line & sinker. The damage he did to me, my children and even my mother was irreparable. I am soooooooo lonely as now I am an empty nester but in such intensive counseling because of him and things done to me by my husband's son from his first marriage and years of lawsuits over the IRA left to me by my husband. I am only 55, had to file bankruptcy, am in an address protection program offered by the Attorney General of our state but I will continue to try to find friends, mainly female & widowed b/c the divorced ones really don't get it. I have moved to another city to hide, still need to sell my house and when I do, I am giving my money to my children to buy their own homes. Widows seem to have something about them that says, "Take advantage of me" or at least I do. Sorry to sound so bitter but I was a lawyer, am on disability now and thought I was an intelligent person. My counselor keeps trying to convince me I am intelligent but I feel so stupid. I just posted the following on my FB: Never lie to someone you trust and never trust anyone who lies to you. I am a "one lie" girl now. No second chances.
Paula, That's horrible. It's so difficult to trust anybody these days male or female. I have no money and filed bankruptcy myself a few years ago. My wonderful guy and his family have helped me through it. But much of my life, right or wrong, I have always been a little suspicious of "too friendly" people. My family had a business for many years, and there was always people around who thought we had millions of $$. Then also, just as a precaution, though most of it's just a nuisance, I always check for spyware.
lillymarlene...I contend as old fashioned as it seems do not trust cyberspace with all your information be it personal on facebook or bank or stock accounts or any truly personal stuff...it will come at some time and bite you in the a--! Way too much information out there can only spell trouble! even here we are warned not use our real names or towns as protection. The world has monsters in nerds that prowl the internet 24/7. Sick troublemakers. Silence and privacy are strong defenses. Too friendly is often trouble in disguise. what's that old autograph book saying..."Love many,trust few...always paddle your own canoe.' lj
paula...sounds like your husband's son from former marriage is a key note here as well as your old friend. Lots of people entering a second marriage where there is resentment or dislike on the part of the person's children from a first marriage continues into remarriage. Loneliness can bring wretched vulnerability! All women should keep sharp awareness of everything especially finances when dealing with new person !!! The sweeter the talk the closer you need to watch their actions. I say trust no one 100% question their helpfulness in everything!!! Do not let your heart rule over common sense! No man's love is worth losing yourself over. That's why widows are warned in every single reference I have read not to make ANY big changes after spouse dies for at least one year or maybe longer!!!!! Or it could come back to bite you in the future. As you are a former lawyer I am sad to hear that your attorney schooling did not send up red flags about that man. his craftiness, lying etc. But then the hurting heart is not always wise. I hope you make peace with all this mess. I think you are intelligent too and now you will seek your own counsel and you will guard your heart and hold on to your own pocketbook in any future relationships.
There are some even here that believe they are the exception to the waiting rule. Proof of that will not be known for a long time. When widowhood is fresh you must not let the heart rule...the pain of being alone has to be less than the pain of what can happen in a new relationship with someone who proves to be less than trustworthy. Go slowly, carefully, guarding what is yours to survive on...if something is not honest and out in the open in every area...show them the door or just run away as far as you can and begin again. Better than not lying to someone you trust as you said...I would add never tell anyone anymore than there is a need for them to know...keep your true self true to you alone. lj
You should not feel stupid or foolish. When you hurt so bad it is easy to fall into situations like that. You just look for anything to distract you. Guess I am lucky I have had no one really express an interest!!! You will be ok. Just take it slow.
Your words are comforting. My counselors have tried to tell me that I am not stupid and that some people are just great con-men. He had conned my husband as well as we used him to work on our work computers. We did have an employee who was embezzling from us and he pointed it out. He was a knight-in-shining-armor who became the evil knight.
When I finally caught on and X'd him from my life, he contacted my stepson and gave them documents he downloaded off my computer. I wasn't hiding anything but that was the ultimate betrayal. Emails I sent to friends & emails about how afraid I was of my stepson. He also used that fear and may have actually vandalized my car, home & poisoned our dog to make me think it was my stepson so I would be so afraid, I would ask him back into our lives.
Some people are just evil and make it bad for possible nice guys to enter our lives b/c we are too afraid to trust anyone. And, I was the 3rd wife. Over 15 years had elapsed between my husband's divorce from my stepson's mother & our marriage.
paula rene...you will do fine the worst is behind you you are growing each day with added wisdom and gaining strength! It is true push come to shove blood is thicker than water!!!
A hundred yrs ago when we were [planning our wedding there were people on my husband's list he really did not know distant 3rd cousins apparently...they were put on the list because they were family...and neighbors he and his parents had known and were close to for years did not get included. some sort of tradition family first...still think that is flawed thinking but I learned that bit about family ties run deep in some people. 3nd an 3rd and 4th wives take precautions...you are not going to replace blood relatives in a new marriage no matter what you are told GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING FROM DAY ONE.
PS if that stepson did not run to you to tell you the evil things your friend had done immediately, I would never trust the stepson either then now or in the future.
Spend your time reflecting the blessings you are being given in the form of knowledge and wisdom and know they will increase and serve to heal and protect you. lj
LJ, I agree. I don't even bother with Facebook, or any social sites where you give out your real name. Believe me, I'm one of the most paranoid people I know :-) Probably why I'm still around today.