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So sorry for your loss Jules.  We all handle grief in our own ways.  Perhaps over time, your memories will take on a different meaning.  You will definitely change over time.  I have no problem remembering, it's just a tad too painful for me.  My husband passed in August 2016, 9 months ago & I'm still some what number & foggy in some ways.  I work part time so that helps (the money certainly helps), but I still have those moments when I feel the loss.  I feel like a part of me was just ripped out.  It will never be replaced.  I wish you peace in your journey.  

I lost my husband in January of this year.  Sometimes, I feel numb, too.  A friend who lost his wife (also in January) never seems to feel that way, and tells me that it sounds like it would a good thing, to feel numb.  He does not understand that it actually the worst feeling for me, because I feel NOTHING:  not the sadness, but not the love either.  When I am in the numb state, I can barely register any kind of feeling for my husband at all.  It's a terrible time.  Maybe it's a coping mechanism, a way to protect ourselves, give ourselves a break from any sort of intense emotion.  I am just trying to roll with it, and know that it will change when it's time.  You are in my thoughts, Jules.   

I can relate to barely registering any feelings for my husband. I look at pictures and feel nothing. It's as if we never had a relationship. Unfortunately, because he was mostly depressed the last 10 years, there's nothing of his that he held dear. He'd lost interest in everything so there's no item that I can hold on to and feel a connection.

I'm told it will get better. I hope so for both of us.

Jules, I feel the same way. He died 6 years ago. We were married for 33.5 years yet I seem to remember only the last 3 years when he was ill. At least those years are in the forefront of my mind. 

Unfortunately, because he was mostly depressed the last 10 years, there's nothing of his that he held dear. He'd lost interest in everything so there's no item that I can hold on to and feel a connection.

I'm gathering pictures of him from the first 10 years in hopes to recreate some memories.

My husband died from natural causes, but he had battled depression many times throughout our marriage.  The last few years after he aged out of his career were especially difficult.  Like you, I had a hard time feeling connected at first and I was often appalled at how easily I had segued into living alone after having lived with him for 29 years.  Even now, I have a hard time remembering some of those early times, but when I do, I remember then as being happily.  Most of the time we just chugged along.  Now, 3-1/2 years later, it feels like that was someone else's life.

"Appalled" is an interesting choice of word!  I'd say I felt surprised and still feel almost guilty, but I kind of like living alone.  I was raised in a family of 5 kids, always shared a room with my sister, always squabbles over what to watch on TV (we had only one... I guess we were deprived).  Living with DH was significantly more peaceful, of course, but even in a good marriage you have to adjust and compromise. 

It would take a heck of a man for me to shack up again- legally or otherwise.

I have had a similar experience. I find myself finally after 4 plus years somewhat-guiltily enjoying living by myself. I also was the middle of 5 kids, too. Always the squabbles not only what to watch over the one black and white TV, but the static during sporting events caused by my sewing machine; I had to risk a few stitches at a time back in the 50's. My sweet DH was my second sweet hubby for over 25 years after a very always-angry first one. DH was the oldest of 9 and his first wife was certifiably mentally ill, but he stayed with her through 17 chaotic years. So we both sooooo enjoyed the peaceful coexistence. 

I look at pictures and feel nothing. It's as if we never had a relationship. Unfortunately, because he was mostly depressed the last 10 years, there's nothing of his that he held dear. He'd lost interest in everything so there's no item that I can hold on to and feel a connection.

I'm gathering pictures of the first 10 years in hopes to recreate some memories.

Last night I was reading some posts I had made on a messageboard from about 18 years ago. We were in our early 40s and my husband was having a midlife crisis, having by then lived longer than his mother did. My biological clock was screaming, but instead of it making me want a baby, it made me write. Chapters and chapters of a giant sprawling family epic that I never finished. I was also finishing grad school and I think that when I got a master's degree, it made him feel even more inadequate. And in the middle of all that, he started an emotional affair with a co-worker. That was the worst two years of my life, because men feel as long as they are not having sex, it's not an affair. But it was. And the woman was blatant about it. She would call our house and ask for him. He would make plans to get together with her and leave his e-mail up. I would challenge him on it and he insisted that I was the problem because I didn't trust him, that they were just friends. I had kind of forgotten how awful that was. Time and time again, I have e-mails in my sent folder that I sent to my sister about how taken for granted I felt, how I was just furniture to him, and so on and so on. And yet, as far as he was concerned, he was in a happy marriage. I'd forgotten how utterly trapped I felt sometimes.

Maybe that's why those years feel like someone else's life. On one level, we were very well suited, because we were really on the same wavelength. But we were BOTH hard to live with. I looked at him and saw an incredibly handsome, smart guy and I would wonder what he saw in a troll like me. He'd look at me and see an incredibly smart, accomplished woman and wonder what I saw in a troll like him. So I guess we were doing this little dance of low self-esteem together and it worked in a weird sort of way.

And yet, when he got sick, I would have let no stone unturned to save him. And when he had a stroke and was in ICU, I was looking at rehab centers and nursing homes and home care to see what would be involved. I was terrified, because what I was looking at was either him being trapped between this world and the next, being kept "alive" by machines, a very angry, severely disabled guy who hated me for allowing them to stick him with a breathing tube and feeding tube, or at best, someone very angry. But he had an advance directive, and he'd always been very open about not putting a lot of value in his life, especially after he aged out of his career, and while he was in ICU he wasn't getting cancer treatment, so when they told me that they didn't see any higher brain function and they could make him comfortable and let what would happen happen, it seemed like the only choice.

Some people think that with a troubled marriage, it's easier to make that decision. It isn't. It's harder. And the grief is very different, because when it happens this way, I think you spend the rest of your life trying to sort out exactly what you feel.

My husband died from brain cancer, but I too dealt with his depression after retirement. Initially we were quite happy, but retirement changed him. We had moved and he felt he had no purpose and was way out of his comfort zone for 11 years. This had a negative affect on our marriage, as he became critical and hurtful in some of the ways he acted and said. Now 4 years later, I'm glad to be away from that feeling of his disapproval, but I miss him terribly. I do fine on my own as far as decisions and functioning, but the loneliness is persistent. And I too remember the hurtful things and not the great earlier years we had together. I don't know why our minds operate that way..like the bad is remembered more than the good and it sticks with you more. It all does seem like another lifetime ago and somehow I ended up in an alternate Universe....by mistake. Wish I could get back to the original one.

Hello - I'm new here.  I lost my husband suddenly and tragically June 23 last year in a mountain accident while we were on vacation.  He was 40, I am now 42.  We have two daughters, now aged 9 and 11.  We had been married 14.5 years, but together for 20.  Half my life was spent with him.  I think I'm doing ok, or as ok as I can be.  I can't believe it has nearly been a year.  A year without him.  I found this site when I randomly found the Widow Camp page.  Do many go to that?  I'm looking at the one in San Diego.

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